What was going on inside my head???

I'd like to think the same thing that goes on inside any 21 year old's head that had never been shown attention before in that way. Let's recap before everyone gets the wrong idea that this was solely an issue concerning sex. It wasn't! Although in some higher thinking whenever you date someone for the purpose that you like them, kiss them, talk to them, hang out with them.....it always leads to sex in the mind and in the future for any length of time sex. It wasn't that I wanted sex, as much as I was struggling for "Relationship". I keep going back to that word because it is lacking in our culture here in America due to how the "family" system has changed dramatically. People are genuinely concerned that if you share what is going on inside your head that somehow something is wrong with you. UMMM, NO! IT'S THE OPPOSITE! If you begin to share what is going on inside your head that is when you begin to HAVE relationship. First with yourself(who is the most important) then with others. You can not build something from nothing which means that you need to have a relationship that starts from your very beginning. It's a lot like sonar. When we are born into a family structure we don't get to choose which one we are born into. We have no idea how to do things unless we watch and are taught from the people who are taking care of us. So how do we then know how to have a relationship with a guy unless we had learned it from our fathers or our mothers? Folks get a clue!!! YOU CAN'T JUST LOOK AT YOUR PARENT'S RELATIONSHIP AND KNOW HOW TO GET TO THAT POINT WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT LEAD THEM TO THAT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. I don't think we are stupid, not at all. I think we don't have a snow ball's chance in Hell of surviving this culture without asking questions. I couldn't have been more alone inside because I hadn't related much of what God wrote in the Bible to myself. I didn't know how. It hadn't been taught to me to look at something in the scripture as metaphorically instead of the literal sentence. Layman's terms....It was used to point out sin and not to sin or you're going to Hell. Period. Don't pass go, don't collect $200 dollars, just Hell. You think that's harsh. It didn't keep me from doing any wrong. So go figure. It was because not only did the words not connect but cause more rebellion, I was sick of not understanding where this beautiful life was. Maybe it was waiting for me around the next corner. I was going to find it no matter what and I wasn't going to let this Latin Love Fest stop me. Or would it? You'll learn at some point in your life a lot of parents don't have that classic "Chip & Joanna Gaines"(Fixer Upper) passion for life. They seem to barely plug into one another and have the sad but true reality of just sharing a mail box and church tithe envelope. Is that wrong? Not the actions themselves but the lack of communication behind it; yes. We need to be able to talk things out from the very beginning of our lives. We can't be lead down a road of no decisions or obstacles to then be lead out the door to college or higher education to have our lives handed to us on a platter. It's a little like being given Proofs in Math once you've carried a Math text book around for a year. Pointless Brainless Irrational behavior. So why is it happening to so many of us, starting with the youth. You'll notice how quickly you go to school to learn a process of many things, then not use 98% of it when you leave high school. We have become education junkies with no need for such information to plague our brains. While learning very little about how to communicate to another human being with ease and total intimacy. So how does this correlate to what was going on in my life at the time I met Luis? Well....everything. It's why it felt so strong and overwhelming to me to be sought after. It hit a location in my brain where no one else had ever chosen to go. I was so starved of real depth of conversation that when I needed to learn about myself through trial and error I didn't have it. Does this mean I'm blaming my parents???!!! No. Listen carefully here. I'm explaining the undertones of our brains and how it works. People are created for community and we are lacking in such things from birth that the devil is easily wedged into our lives one charismatic slimy bastard at a time. We need a bunch of interactions long before we date. If we don't get that sonar like relationship where we say and do things that bounce back to the brain. We can't learn. We don't really grasp what it is like to be loved. We come from a Creator who is the entire source and definition of "Love" yet we starve so much in our homes, whether they be Christian or not. We do not know how to relate such human behavioral needs in the simplest of terms because we don't know how to separate the two. What I'm saying made it easier to jump into this toxic relationship is the VOID of understanding anything that goes on between a man and a woman. The uncensored raw unedited version of what the thoughts and temptations were going to be like without the shame or scripture reading making everyone want to gouge their own eye out. From childhood to grade school to high school we are continually throwing out bits of information to receive feedback from whoever we can to get a good grasp on who we are and what we are good at. We have receptors in the brain that connect to that feedback and we learn subconsciously who's paying attention and who's not. It's a life long process to learn what we can about ourselves. It will never end until your last breath. In the mean time the biggest chunk of your life, where you will devour that information the quickest, is in your childhood til young adult life. You need that feedback from your parents because it is where the unconditional love is supposed to come from. The most vulnerable of locations to spill your guts and begin to learn how the Devil will try to break you down from the inside out. It's the parents job to invest time in your brain to detect things that put you at risk for low self esteem or low value. You then will become more likely to put yourself down and put others down by making poor decisions. It will happen as you are growing quickly into a young adult. It will make it harder to listen to reason because you'll feel very independent from others and their thoughts because the time has passed where you value their wisdom and input to lead you to better decision making. Nowadays people call it rebellion, but it's really the time you've been pushed out of the nest to see if you can make it on your own around the age of 18-20 in young adults. I had been starved for soooooo much information that my decision making was going to be a little messy at times, to gain the information my brain needed. Not everyone is going to make bad decisions all the time or go in the same direction as their peers or siblings. You will see how easily and how quickly your mind can be made up on a decision when you're the one getting the end result you think you want. It's harder to protect everyone involved like family members and friends. Its always a learning process til you understand the only way you're not going to get hurt so badly you feel like you can't go on is if you make decisions that protect your value first then the ones you love around you. I was beginning the second journey of dating someone who would change all the relationships around me and I would begin to fully understand what is going to happen and how it was going to affect me. I pray that as you get into your young adult years you will have a mentor in your life who will fully divulge any and all information that they can to allow you to learn how relationships start to shape your future. Most importantly you need to pay attention to what decisions you make and how many times things go awry from those choices. Then you can begin to take full responsibility for those events and learn to forgive yourself first when bad things happen. It's so essential for personal growth. You can't forgive the other person until you forgive yourself. Hardest lesson to learn is that no matter what kind of beginning you had as a child, once you've hurt other people and made bad decisions that landed you in a mess.....You have to say sorry to yourself and forgive the girl or boy on the inside that didn't have a clue what was going to happen next.