Anxiety got the best of me!

I don't mean that in a negative way. Anxiety really did GET the best of me. I learned along time ago my brain works best under heat and pressure. I learned to understand that when anxiety hit me it was because I wasn't getting truth from everyone that was involved in whatever situation I was facing. After the breakup of Luis and I there wasn't many people who would understand what I had to do and why it was so necessary to continuing my life in a healthy way. It was VERY important for my life to remain in a healthy way so I could go on to tell others what I had learned. BUT.....that was not the experience I had with others around me that were in relationships. The undertone was not that I had learned anything from my mistake but rather that I had taken a notch out of the belt of learning and growth and had basically gone backwards in thinking not forwards. I am in love with words, learning, investigating, talking, conversation, basically anything having to do with human interaction. So the minute I was in and then out of a relationship, for me to find not one person who wanted to relate what I had gone through and how to manage or go on in a healthier approach, I became very aware of the disconnect we had as people with the learning growth process of life. I was on a mission from that point on to prove a point. WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT. You either go through it finding out who you are and what your genuine needs are while maturing and refining your relationships, or you go through it in the wrong relationships becoming a person who picks up on coping mechanisms, manipulations and pretend states of mind. I have watched the deterioration of people's joy and interest in growth because of being locked into relationships that are all wrong for them. DON'T MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING. I am not an advocate for just breaking these relationships up. No. On the contrary. I am an advocate for teaching all people accountability and responsibility to learn for themselves, then to learn to communicate that to others. Just breaking up relationships is not the point. There is still the full responsibility to teach all things positive and to hold accountability to all humans to act in a way that allows us all to thrive. This in my personal opinion and experience starts at birth. The most important role is parenting. It's an incredible job to introduce to a child the reason they are here on the planet is to affect it in a positive way to bring the love and light of Jesus Christ in a everyday approach to everyone they meet. It isn't something that waits for Sunday mornings. It is what we are to be living every second of everyday. So in parenting we TEACH. They learn and aspire to go even farther than we had ever hoped or grasped they could because we would be relying on the Holy Spirit to enter in and fill the gaps. Not only would we not have competitions, we would look for connections so we could all be part of a thriving society full of people wanting more to join in. When everyone serves a purpose and all people have a purpose there is no need to tear down and to devour the spirit of the individual. When we are all thriving we all thrive. We need more God and less control. In my dream world we all start to understand that there is nothing to loose being part of a thriving society just more to gain on loving one another and how unique and interesting we all are. It will take effort and understanding to ask for wisdom from God so we can begin a new path to healing all people and to prepare for those not yet born. I was here in my mindset on the way to work everyday when Luis and I were finished. Although I can go deep deep deep into my thinking and spirituality it doesn't mean I am incapable of making new mistakes or for that matter making the same mistake twice. I have to continually be in a relationship with the Lord just like the rest of us. I have to meet with him daily allowing him to enter in to soften and refine me as well. Each day I experienced an anxiety attack whether driving my car or going to walk into work I realized it was because I was taking steps to reveal truth. I was walking in God's grace and experiencing the complete opposite of what the "religious" people in my life said I would experience from walking outside of God's will. Now that doesn't mean I wasn't experiencing consequences. I had and do have consequences from disobeying. I was still joyful, happy, alive, breathing, feeling whole, gaining new understanding, feeling forgiveness from the inside out....I could go on for days explaining the overall health I felt even though I had just lived through a traumatic experience. I was ok. YET.....every time I ran into someone who had heard about, gossiped about it, or asked me how I was doing they did not exude that same amount of grace to me or have even the slightest amount of joy to share with me. I found this to be quite interesting. How could they be sadder than the person going through it? How could they not be happy to hear I was ok, or better yet look at me and know I was? I have learned so much about relationships and how much we are NOT capable of understanding when we won't relate to what we ourselves have gone through. NO ONE can be happy about something in your life without first understanding it in their own lives. I will say that again. You can not be genuinely happy for another person's experience without first relating that to something you have gone through in YOUR OWN LIFE. It's called fantasy if it hasn't been YOUR reality. I was becoming irritated the more I learned about this true disconnection we have with God, which would cause a disconnect between his people. I was sad, because the more I opened up to people the more they shut down. This is my mission. To bring connection back to the individual, so that they can then begin to truly connect to another person.

Brain Food

There's no denying that the brain is so powerful. We continue to feed it even when we haven't figured out what is best to feed it. Think back to your childhood and begin to recall the amount of times you were told what to do, not necessarily WHY to do it. The learning process truly begins when we comprehend why we do something not just listen to a command from someone who is in authority over us. I was always impressed with the Creator God who instilled free will into humans, then humans who created commands. Ha! I still giggle when I think of parents who continually command their children to do something. Your child will just WAIT for the next command. He or she will not realize your expecting the comprehension side of the brain to just settle in without any work or effort on your part to understand the difference. Until we want to sit and think deeply about why creation matters to God, I believe we will see a disconnect between the people and the amount of communication they use and the deepen the relationships they have. There's an immense correlation between knowing who God is and forming a relationship with him rather believing you know who God is and using his name or scriptures loosely. For example, when we are children and we are told to obey our parents, parents can either hear that commandment in the Bible and hold in high regard to teach and love you to the point of explosive self worth, or here a way to control and manipulate for their private gain. Children who are given a reason for living and included in that life are more willing to respect the parents who gave them a great life. For those parents out there wondering why the children rebel, well.....you might want to have a talk with yourself. Have you equipped them to see themselves as whole and important to society. Being in a genuine relationship with our Creator God and understanding he gave his very own son for us would allow you to think deeply about how important children are and must be to God. He speaks often of them in the Bible and depicts great pictures of how we are to be like them. Yet....most homes don't take enough time to invest in each one of them born into the family to help their little brains grow into something that is essential for positive growth in our societies. I also fell into this group of people who had 2 parents and we all lived under one roof, but because of our lack of community we couldn't grasp what it would look like years down the road. We all hadn't pitched in and become better unit or team. I can honestly say we are still reaping the consequences of those choices we made some years ago. Of course we could see there was little to no deep interaction between my parents. They went to church had a house had a business, but little to no depth of personality. My mother the worst of the two was so backwards and introverted that it was of no avail for my father to help her open up. As the years past by I could tell my mother was so threatened by other females, no matter where we were or who they were, my mother would implode when she perceived a threat. Nothing could be done until my mother wanted to change. The way I see it, those other women are just as special to God as my mother, but that doesn't make our time on earth special unless we change our behavior towards ourselves and then towards others. My father wasn't supposed to change or fix my mother or visa versa. They were to allow an environment where the support of one another cultivated the desire and trust to change themselves for the better. The team of marriage is a beautiful thing and more important when you can bring children into that relationship. What I was experiencing was each step I was taking it was like taking them for the very first time since I had not seen this path cultivated between my parents. It was difficult but not impossible to change and begin a new path outside of the family norm. Painful at times, I can see why most of us choose not to try and change. My experience tells me that although change is hard, it is necessary to growth and because we try so hard not to, we rarely experience the presence of the Lord with us. It's God's will that we continue to try to be better each new day growing deeper with him. So why would he not want his people to be accountable to their choices here on Earth? Oh he definitely does. I believe he requires it. For depth of relationships and long term success. Now still allowing our freewill to be the determining factor of whether or not we will choose to do it. My relationships from my childhood were superficial and most often out of obligation. HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD I KNOW HOW TO FIND A MATE AND THEN GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND WE WOULD ACT DIFFERENTLY THAN EVERYONE THAT SURROUNDED ME? Yikes....It still makes my head spin trying to grasp this one. Until we can see each person born as a baby as a human being on a journey to grow up and serve society in a huge way, we are going to continue on this excruciating journey of broken relationships. We have to see the individual before we can operate as a team who can impact people for the Lord. I am always thinking of how my past has formed me and how grateful I am for the allowance of my sin NOT to devour my joy or take my life in a path of deteriorating addictions. I will continue to reach new levels in my relationship with the Lord and I pray we all will begin to reach out to him to seek understanding and to beg for wisdom. WE ARE GOING TO NEED IT.