Goal!

After Luis, what was there for me? I had just spent the last 2 years of my life trying to stay out of trouble with my job, parents, church, and boyfriend. I wasn't exactly hitting the goal I had for myself to be "AWESOME". On some level I was doing great. I just wasn't getting the pat on the back that I was. There was no getting around the issue of growing up and having to try my hand at not picking the right boyfriends, or doing everything there is to please your parents(there was no pleasing them). How about being perfect at cutting hair? I wasn't half bad actually. I managed to make enough people happy all the time that cutting hair was the easiest thing I did. Imagine.........right now standing behind a chair, a client coming in and you needing to make all their dreams come true by cutting on a round surface all in half an hour. Yes. That was the easiest thing in my life. Hmmmmm. I was missing something. Yes. A NEW GOAL. I always had in my mind goals to meet like, losing weight. No I lie. It was not to gain weight, while I was still trying to figure out how the heck you get this bulge off. Oh gosh, how did I get out of bed each day? There were other goals like to own a home, start my own salon... LOL Like I said I look back now and I was doing a pretty good job despite not having others around me be goal oriented. I was reaching for the surrealism. I was looking at tomorrow with rosy colored glasses. No I mean it, I really had rosy colored glasses. I needed more direction for my goal. It needed to be about finding the best "me". The goal of "me". Doesn't that sound nice? It isn't that easy to start or finish, I tell you. I really thought I had started to figure out that goal when I was dating. I started to feel differently about myself. You know what I'm talking about. Like I had something. I mean really something. I started to feel more alive and more able to push through anything because someone was there for me at the end of the day. Not always literally there but more in essence. I wasn't worthless. No not at all, it's just until I had a boyfriend I didn't feel like I was valuable. I felt not important. I didn't feel like I was made for something amazing based on what my family life had been like. I mean I had already pushed through the humdrum of the school years and picked my career even though my own mother didn't think I had it in me. I had then found a job and started to earn a fantastic income but not one person would tell me anything positive based on what I was accomplishing. I then began a journey to slough off the extra chub and no one even refilled my water bottle. (just a joke) What the heck world???? I then finally get some feed back from a boy that I'm not invisible and I can have what I want and it's all smoke and mirrors. Was it all for nothing to have a goal to be attractive (feel attractive) and get a boyfriend? No. I just didn't have it in the right frame of mind. I was still trying to fill all the gaps from my childhood with my young adult years and to explain it in laymen's terms they needed 2 different sets of understanding and valuable data to work synergistically. I was trying to grow without the right information in my brain. It's a little like growing a garden without all the nutrition in the soil. Oh you'll grow some things, but mostly weeds. I just needed the right nutrition for myself before I started filling in all the gaps with all the wrong goals. Life was a bitch. Excuse my honesty. My twenties belong in a novel. It's much better when read over a period of hours rather than lived one painful minute after painful minute over a period of ten years. Now there isn't enough money in the world to have me relive them. Isn't that the truth though. Once we've gone through something there isn't many of us who've had such an easy peezy ride. It's the reality of life. Living it once was E. nough. I am not complaining or venting. Rather a sharing of what the Goal of "me" has looked like over time. I managed to get through the break up with Luis relatively unharmed for the moment. More bruised. I now needed to focus on the future me. This girl needs a new goal. Sounds like a good time to buy a house.

There's no denying my intrigue

When it comes to different cultures I am hooked. I love to hear and smell all the different kinds of music and foods that other cultures have. I was exposed to so much after high school that opened up a whole new door of possibilities for me. I wasn't even aware that I was into other cultures until beauty school came around. I am so taken by the slants of the eyes or the way the bone structure is set up. I loved seeing the differences among the similarities. I was pulled in right away when I left work in a small structured town to a huge melting pot of different cultures at the gym. It was as soon as you walked in you were overwhelmed by the intense modge-podge of ethnic backgrounds. I was in love. The only way to describe it is like a kid in a candy store. I wasn't particularly attracted to any one type. I liked it all. I have always been sensitive to seeing everything all at one time as if my sense of sight is like an X-men super power. I desired the intensity one look at a time. Have you ever been that real with yourself that you can describe what goes on in that noggin? I mean really comprehend what comes over the human body that allows us to develop an understanding of who we are at the core of our thoughts. I am enthralled by the younger version of me, (which really was held back for so long) finding out what I liked and didn't like about different types of ethnic backgrounds came late in my life. God forbid I had been taught anything outside of going to school and church. I was thrown into fending for myself at such a young age that whether I liked it or not my ability to have too much to choose from just offered up more fun for "ME". I am 35 now and when I look back at how innocent my thoughts were at the age of 21 I also see how easily I was set up to fail. Not because any one person, my parents or mentors had control over me. No, because I wasn't taught to love myself in a healthy way. Above all else, to keep myself healthy so that I could take that healthy vibrant woman to everyone I met. Life isn't about control. It's about connection. To connect to the mind & body, then to learn to make decisions based on learning the best of those things. Sure I would have made mistakes and I did. It wouldn't have come out of spite or ignorance. (That's the whole key right there) You can fight me all you want on the subject, but my mission now is to offer up what I've experienced in my life time about 6 months ahead of schedule for someone like my step son, who is about to go through similar situations. Now he has someone he can honestly say has offered up some sort of concept of what he is about to face as his body grows, he develops sexually, he is learning his interests etc.. I don't just wait til the situation arises, I offer up a gentle awareness for him so he doesn't step into something that would force him to be secretive or ashamed. I want him to know he isn't alone. I want him to know there's a process to everything and a reason for fighting the urge to live in secret or shame. To come up out of that undertone of our society and to work against the confusion. The only way to truly learn about yourself is to make a mistake but to also have the opportunity to have someone talk you through it. Have open communication for learning purposes. I love the conversations I have with this young vibrant boy, who any minute now will be walking the young teen years with me. I know what it was like not knowing how to handle all the changes in my body or my mind. I will always offer up my experience first so he knows there's someone out there who cares about how he may or may not feel. It's life changing when you spend time being introspective for the sole purpose of sharing what you've learned with others. My life has changed into a proactive plan as opposed to a reactive plan. I want to be intentional to think before I do. You might sit there and think as adults we all do that or you feel bad for me that I do not. Hello! Our entire country is in need of proactive thought, so there's no way more of us are thinking before we are doing. No no....We need an over haul in families to see the value of a human being the minute they are born. The human being is valuable to us all. Not just the immediate family structure. We need to be taught everything has an outcome. So when we are making decisions, it has long term affects that can come to haunt us in the future..... I saw the world with rose colored glasses and enjoyed the growth of my twenties. I look back on that decade with delight. It wasn't always a delight to go through it but it's entirety is beautiful. I am seeing my thirties in a similar light. Each day isn't easy to accomplish every goal you've set, or to be intentional to do all that is on your to do list. I just hope that as I look back on my thirties one day I'll have the same satisfaction I do over my 20's. I'm only half way through. Stay tuned.

How do you get over an old one??? You get under a new one......'

SPELL THAT IS...... Under a new spell... the wonderlust of a new fling or boyfriend always helped me to get over the old one. You ever have that feeling in your gut that you'll never move on or forget the old guy??!!! It's natural to believe that when someone isn't desiring you or calling you or texting you that somehow on some weird mental level that you're NOT good enough. Not true at all, but it comes in the form of what society says is normal for relationships. "Society" doesn't know squat about relationships considering they do not worship the Lord most High. For the sake of my life story though you're going to have to go with me on this one. Women are constantly trying to find themselves through someone else's wanting them. I never felt better when the last guy was on my mind and I found myself having a new crush on someone else. It helped ease the pain that I was never going to find someone that would understand me completely. Nevermind the fact that each time I was picking out the guy I was forgetting "THEY" were not picking me out. When you let that sink in that we are picking people out by the outermost layer of their being and have no idea what they carry inside their hearts. Much like picking fruit at the grocery store. You have the fruit that seems to be the best pick to your eye, but when you open it up at home it is rotten. The times that I pick the "offbeat" looking fruit it is when it is the tastiest or nicest inside. I have always been linked to the things that are the most attractive. I have a high standard of angles. It is why the Beauty Industry intrigued me so much. We are set up on angles and color to attract the most beautiful of clientele. It is what we do best in our industry that brings people coming back for more. The more you refine the angle, the more beautiful the woman or man becomes. Much of what we do in relationships to bring someone in, is in the outermost layer of who we are. By the time you get to the core you realize there isn't much there to keep it going. I didn't care when I was young, I wanted what I wanted. You do eventually grow out of that wretched phase if you care to, but just imagine I was going in for the most gorgeous of fruits. They were all rotten. I loved to look across the room and wait til my eyes would fall on what I thought was the most attractive person in the room. Most of the time it was me, but I had little interest in dating myself. I loved the cat and mouse game and can see just how much of what I called relationships was really about what I could control and liked. I mean I just loved the chase. It is a rush that is all it's own. There is no describing it's draw unless you compare it to a drug. It was my drug of choice at the time. I thought it much safer than the pharmaceutical drugs everyone said to stay away from. I mean it did no harm. No words were shared back and forth, no one even knew unless eye contact was made, then the person was left in their own minds and of course I was planning my next move in mine. How could anything bad happen from that? I mean unless the other guy felt the same way or understood what he wanted no harm no foul right? I loved being consumed in my thoughts about the next guy. The next possible love interest.

Vanity or Sanity?

That is the question. I mean how much can one work on themselves before they are serving others??? How can I be a Christian woman and be about myself when I am asked to serve others and tell people about Jesus, not to mention keep a family running right alongside my salon where I serve other's vanity all day long......whhhhewwww...where's my sanity??? Ha! I laugh. It isn't always vanity when you care about the vessel you're in. There's a line of course. You may or may not cross it along the way, but the point isn't to care about yourself above others, but to take care of yourself so you can love others. It's really quite simple you see. It's like a car. You must put gas in it to leave the drive way much like eating well to run your body well. You must put windshield wiper fluid in to lubricate the wipers and to wash away impurities, much like drinking water for your body. You must not let it get too hot or run down, it needs rest and to cool every once in awhile much like a body who needs rest and sleep and time to themselves to recharge. You must put oil in the car or it will seize up no matter HOW MUCH GAS YOU HAVE IN IT! All of this so you can get in the car and run errands and pick up other people and take them where they have to go as well. My point is in all things the original material or vessel must be maintained to lend any kind of help or service to another person. THAT INCLUDES US. Humans are no different. We need to maintain our own vessel to be of any help to another person. The whole purpose of parenting is to teach children to see themselves as valuable beings and to invest time and love into them to want to capitalize on what we are mentoring in them. The start is just the beginning. The birthplace and family is the percolating point right before the brewing process. It's simple. Yet the most important part. It would be natural for someone to put time and effort into keeping themselves whole and maintain accountability and responsibility for their whole self if it had been taught. It would be normal and second nature to ask direct questions on how to be better and to get better if it was a natural thing to do in the home where it all began. It wouldn't be out of sorts to see the food and water that we drink and the sleep we allow our bodies to get to be out of sorts when you consider the beginning of the person allotted time for such things and taught the person why based on experience and desire to be their best. So we go back to the question....Vanity or Sanity? You can't tell me you feel your best when you put yourself last and put off good nourishment and sleep and health. I am human and haven't found that to be ever true. You need to make that your top priority and continue it everyday and become proactive and not reactive to all things in life. To think through the simplest of things in a human's life that allows for such simplicity to enter in is the best way in life. We all have 24 hours a day and we don't need to be teeth whitening or at the gym for hours to create our best self. No, not on any level. To spend exuberant amounts of time doing something that will only need to be done again and maintained is pointless. You have to weigh out the consequences. Life isn't so hard, it only seems that way when we become an age where things don't seem to make sense or fit anymore. Our childhood allows for all things to matter and all things to be valuable until we grasp fully where we fit in and how we are here to add to it. When that doesn't happen, and we aren't fully grasping our faith or our purpose, things seem catawampus. We can come out of that chaos and realize there is a purpose to being whole in ourselves and our walk with our bodies needs to be understood that the more you take care of it, the more you are able to use it to bless others and your family. The more you do for your body the easier it is to tell others and share your story with them because they can see it is working and how it is making you feel. They are going to want some of that. The more you are intentional with your body the more you are going to get back. There's also the possibility the more you can give. You are going to be able to wake up everyday and understand the value of a human being and how it impacts the world. The next person to cross your path should see this radiating from your being and want it. It's God's gift to us in this world to see the whole picture when you take care of the body you're in. It isn't about lust or wanting people to lust after you because of how you look. A rational person doesn't sense lust as a good choice. It's fleeting and not totally fulfilling. What's the purpose in life when everything is just a mockery and not in addition to? Why would we continue on a path that doesn't lead us to any kind of health or wellness while helping others to do the opposite of or worse to follow in our footsteps? What kind of world would we be living in that completely wastes a human's life down to mediocrity. Ours if we're not careful. We need to learn that valuing ourselves over any one else only allows us to be of greater aid to anyone else. Of course we can serve and take care of and lend help to, but not indefinitely running on fumes. Like the car analogy said you can not run a car without gas or oil. You can however run a car on no windshield wiper fluid. You're bound to run into a mud puddle the minute you don't have any of course.... Life is a beautiful thing. It's entangled and intertwined with the beginning. There's a sole purpose to everyone's life and it isn't to waste away to nothing or to become so engrossed with yourself that you can't see anyone else but yourself. You know there's so much to say as I sit here tapping away at the keys. My life of course was playing rewind or better yet erase the past. No one should want to erase the past. Build on and explore the future should be a person's thought. As the years went by in my twenties I realized it was necessary to go through all these things to be a stronger more spiritually grounded woman in society. I have come to love my beginning. Now it's about my future.