Monday, June 27, 2016
I have had a lot of practice making "assumptions"....Some haven't always ended up so nicely for me. Like the times I've guessed people being pregnant and they so totally were not, now you can be in labor and I won't dare ask until you ask if I want to hold your baby! OOHHH is that your child? lol There's never enough humor in this world.... So as many things as I've assumed incorrectly I've learned it is the "Devil's Dare" if you choose to go down that road. It really just means that the world of communicating by asking direct questions and waiting for some sort of answer is dead whilst the people play coy. I HATE THAT GAME. Make a note of that. I will be the first to tell you that it is not easy for anyone in the beginning to ask someone a direct question concerning a deep or tough subject if they have never seen it done, but it's not impossible. In this world a lot of assumption comes from large subjects like sex, money, religion just to name a few. Sooooo admit it to yourself first, when someone starts dating you decide in your head whether or not they will have sex or are having sex the longer they are together. It's natural to do considering the genetic makeup of our bodies, then you factor in if they have faith in God, or the Holy Bible and you decipher whether or not they will break the rules. Or I'm the only human who has ever walked the planet factoring in all the info. I think not. I needed more than Luis in my life. I needed to feel whole and at the time it seemed to fit. It was a lie. It was a tactic to break me away from the "kind" of man I needed. I said I wouldn't change a thing about my life and I meant it. It doesn't mean though that every course I was on was helpful or positive in my everyday life. I have come to consider the tender years of 20-30 a decade of learning who you really are. Some of us do not use the decade wisely by determining what was our parents or beginnings and what is truly us or "ours". Your truth comes from taking full responsibility of all your choices and decisions. You need to grasp all things that make you you. I was on that wretched journey. It felt like I was on that road by myself. Many times you can feel like you're on that road by yourself. That is where your awareness of your relationship with Christ fits in. Christians will tell you it should be your first thought. Said the careful Christian. I've yet to meet a politically correct Christian who will let you see all sides of them including swearing when you stub your toe or lose at fantasy football. You can't learn how to put him first or if he is first until you see RELATIONSHIPS for what they truly are. How can you be in a healthy relationship with the Lord but no one else? YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND IF YOU'RE TRYING THAT CRAP. If you can't see that the toxic relationships around you mirror image the one you have with Christ you'll never be able to grow. On the contrary you'll fester into a diseased ridden bupkis. Everyone will pass you by without a moment's notice on the streets or in buildings where people pass one another constantly without even so much as a "hello". Unless, of course, there's an underlying want like sexual attractiveness or money. Prove me wrong email me later. I want you to know I assumed so many incorrect things based on other people's behaviours even about myself. What you have left in your brain to work with, won't factor in "REAL LIFE". It"s similar thinking to attending math class and then not being able to budget in real life. Who cares if you know 2+2.......if you've maxed out every credit card you've owned trying to buy your happiness. That's right accounting doesn't teach you that Target doesn't sell peace of mind. If we had been given half a chance in knowing who our creator was and why he created us, I believe that the people should mirror image the true genuine hope and purpose behind it. I want that for us all. I thought I was going to be different, I was in some cases, but most things I needed to turn over, investigate, and determine for myself what it all meant. Sex, since it isn't perverse or odd when it is applicable to your naked self, seemed to fit at the time and feed the darkness I had in not knowing my own worth. Damn Chubbiness kept my eyes focused on the outside when it was the inside I was looking for the whole time. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????!!!! Well think about it, Yes I was chubby but it was what I was taught not chose. If I could just find the mind of the thinner girl each choice I made from there on out would have me thin in no time and stay thin for the rest of my life. Although it took me longer than I thought to find her, I did find her and she's here to stay. I not only found her I patented her. You can't have her. You can't be her. You can be who God created you to be without assumptions and decisions that aren't reallly yours. Stop living in the "it will work itself out" line. People actually die in that line waiting for it to move. You will always need to take action. You will never bypass the intentions of who God created us to be. We can not get out of taking action. Stop assuming and take action against what isn't working. I'll be the first to tell you the minute you decide to do something about it you'll lose 3 friends........Think about that one.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
I had no idea what it was exactly that I had in front of asking God instead of myself. I didn't really know what a reeaal relationship looked like with the Sovereign God that created me with a true purpose. I mean come on who talks about this stuff???!!! I do, but I totally get it if you're not experiencing that. You will have SOMETHING that the Devil will use against you that will be your "Golden Ticket". He will be able to pull this out and draw you in once he figures out just exactly what it is that you suffer from feeling completely in control over. He will use it against you to harm you, and push you even further away from asking God to give you peace and understanding. I never felt like I could ask my parents together for peace and understanding, why would I then ask a God I couldn't see for it?? I talked to God very easily, it just got easier and easier to use my weakness against me the older I got. Considering my Golden ticket was "Lust". Since I so needed to be liked and desired by a man having a boyfriend is extremely dangerous in the sex category. I mean you can't hold out for very long when the one thing you have wanted your entire life was finally happening. You have to remember the attention I was getting wasn't bad, it wasn't perverse, it wasn't unnecessary. It was new. Had I had been encouraged my whole life to love myself completely including my body and how it looked, I wouldn't have been so overweight and needing assurance in a way that only a young man I was attracted to was giving me. Not everyone's parents know how to encourage you to be your best and walk the walk with you so that you know how to rely on God for all your other needs. I am NOT SAYING BECAUSE I'M CHRISTIAN THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE STRUGGLED WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. I'm saying it was my huge issue and strong hold in my life that made it easier to use against me because I had gone without it for so long. I was so hung up on wanting his beautiful body that I struggled to not allow him to push more and more and more. He would smell so good each time I was around him. He got into my veins. He was hooked to my life line that was flesh in the fullest. He could do anything he wanted with me because I wanted it so badly. I didn't have a boundary on him. He was my escape from the lie I was being fed my whole life. I wasn't worthy and No one was EVER going to love me. I was proving them ALL wrong. They were going to regret ever putting me in a corner (like Baby in Dirty Dancing it should never be done). I was going to find what I had been wondering about and wanting so badly to understand the way God had intended us to know. First Hand. Ha! I laugh back at my youth and how intensely wrong she was in the moment and yet I would change nothing about my life. I love every single lesson that I have learned along the way. I only wish I wouldn't of had to learn them the "Hard" way. Who am I kidding I learn everything the hard way. I decided I was sick of the secrecy on sex, I was tired of the hush hush, I was tired of the "we only get shamed at church for having sexual feelings or curiosities". Did you ever notice at church what was pushed imperatively to abstain, but why do we not address the issue of why it's so difficult??? Not just because it feels good or because it's what humans do, NO NO NO I mean real relating to the subject. Try truly understanding why we were all drawn to it in some way or another. Yes we are hardwired to have children that way and build families, but deeper more intellectual meaning behind sexual understanding. It goes way beyond looking sexy or feeling sexy. More intensely it connects you to your creator. He intentionally gave us our sexuality but no one talks about giving God the glory for feeling the need to understand it(at least not in my circle). I went ahead with moving forward with Luis. I wanted him to want me, but had no idea what I was going to let into my life by completely stripping down to the bare bones. I was completely naked and yet I was completely covered with God's protection. Things could have gone a lot differently as our relationship progressed but I was protected each and every time. I nearly died physically but I grew spiritually and I am forever grateful for giving my life to the Lord as a young child and then fully understanding what that meant when I was a young adult. I have a lot to tell you and I can't wait for you to understand what I went through isn't so far from what we all go through, I will just openly share mine.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
I can recall all of the memories Luis and I made together. We were so young and had no idea that we were playing right into the feelings that life was a game. It felt like in those moments and at that time that we were inseparable. You couldn't pry the phones out of our hand when we called each other. We longed to talk to each other and to plan our next get together for the weekend. Red was losing her mind. She had to wait til the weekend to see if we were still going to go to the dance club to work out all our stress and so she could get a man. Yes, on some level we were still trying to get hand picked by some rich young thing who just wanted a good soon to be woman working through her troubling twenties. Red and Luis never liked each other to begin with. They both wanted my undivided time and money and car and sober driving. Geesh. You would have thought I was a good looking uber driver back then. I tried to give Red some clarity by explaining to her that there was no way they had to be jealous or worry about losing me because the love I had for both of them was different. She was my best friend and I could tell her anything, and I needed her to be there for me during the relationship woes. Luis was my lover/boyfriend. He didn't compete with her because he was there to make sure I was at the top of my sexy game and that I could solidly slay a man. At the time it didn't sound so skeezy in my head. I didn't realize that I was using Luis as a standard of hotness for myself. I understand it now so simply. HOW COULD I?!! Easily. It seemed to be working really well for me. I'd see him on the weekends starting Saturday through Sunday. I'd go to work during the week and do whatever else I wanted like church, shopping and the gym. It was brilliant. I missed him during the week but I loved being able to live by myself and have the whole place to tinker and get ready for work. I'm so grateful for having that experience because it set the tone for the REST OF MY LIFE. You have to be so deliberate to have a budget and a handle on what life really throws at you versus what you want to have. I thought I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe I had a job I loved, a boyfriend I handpicked out of the crowd and a best friend who understood me and wanted to be around. It was as if life was perfect. It started out so intensely between Luis and I. I can remember every time I saw him I was taken back as if I had never met him before. He was so striking that when he looked at me I shivered. I knew I lusted after him but the truth is I liked it. I loved that uncomfortable feeling every time he got close to me for a kiss because I thought "oh he really likes me and finds me attractive". For someone like me who didn't have that kind of feedback at home I longed for it. I was in the beauty industry to try and give that feeling to people all day long. I knew how wonderful it was to receive it. No one's family can be bad all the time, it's just it wasn't a "thing" in our house to try to be our best self every second of every day. I knew when I got into the industry it was going to be hard to break through the barriers that had nothing to do with relying on God for our issues, it's just this was my time and I needed to learn the cold hard lessons of it isn't your looks that make a relationship last. Even if you are an attractive female it doesn't mean he realllly loves you or that he will stick around just because you're beautiful. SO ARE A LOT OF FEMALES, AND WHY NOT?! WHY CAN'T WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT US THAT MAKES US ATTRACTIVE? My mind was capable of asking it, but hadn't fully comprehended how important self love was to making these fears go away that lived inside of my head. Right now Luis was that for me and he was going to give me a new perspective on life I could just feel it. When he looked at me I felt different, I felt seen, I felt alive and I loved it. Every second I had with him gave me more and more of a high that I longed for him to be with me everyday. I could start to see why puppy love was so dangerous and why young people think they need to get married. Why not right? I mean you're in love and young, why not live the rest of your lives together??????????? GOOD GOLLY LORD ALMIGHTY help these young people understand that is NOT how love works. I'll show you what happens when you underestimate the Devil........