Sunday, July 31, 2016

Surviving the day does not count as thriving

I didn't know at the time that my friends could see what was happening. I was changing my body so fast and so much that I couldn't keep up with it. I mean spiritually. See the "DEVIL" likes to fool you into believing that while I was getting physical change in my body that I was also getting the payoff of my Heavenly father to see my value. Wrong. I was trying to control what had been out of control since birth that I didn't even know who the real Laura was yet! I was getting results that I thought correlated to the real me. I was in a troubling transition and then also trying to be the person I wanted to be while not being her. You with me??? I had to understand who the real Laura was before I could enter into a relationship that added more responsibility to my plate. The reason I so wanted the relationship with Luis was because he fed a spiritual void where I felt lonely and unwanted. I had felt that for such a long time that when he entered in it appeared that things began to change and that I could control where it was headed. WRONG AGAIN. Like I said surviving the day doesn't count as thriving. I was 21 years old and had the greatest career with the not so greatest mind and body to be working it all together. The one thing I had going was I ate just enough food and drank enough water that I didn't die. Then Luis comes along and literally tried to kill me. Seriously, life what you're dealing me right now just isn't cool. He was so damn sexy I needed to gouge my eyes out to concentrate on just doing laundry. Have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that I was the girl who had come out of a home with a less than subtle marriage that was failing and surroundings that were so passive aggressive that I'm surprised my own hair hadn't fallen out. (hairstylist humor) I mean c'mon. I was a young girl with no one to talk openly about rough situations to because I didn't know ONE SINGLE PERSON WHO WANTED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE TO THEIR OWN ACTIONS. Yes, I stress that at the end because that is what it is all about! How did I think he and I would be on a healthy path when everything that brought us together was unhealthy and deceptive????? I bought into what everyone buys into. The physical payout instead of the spiritual rationality. It seemed to me that his body joining my very existence was enough and, even though drama ensued, who cared really, I mean I was born into drama. It was just different drama. Well.... get to know me for any length of time and you'll find out my brain works many ways. I figured WHY NOT go through this situation to learn new drama and ways of dealing with it???? I mean I couldn't name 3 people that I wanted to trade lives with so what the heck let's do this. He didn't know that he was my current project. Why ruin what I had going on here? MY everyday life was an obstacle course to be the Excalibur. I was not going to be any ordinary sword to fight battles. Oh no sir. I was going to cut through the darkest of demons, but first I had to understand how to divide and conquer and that is what this is about. You can get choked up on the abuse and you can get choked up on the incredible sex (it was new and the only thing I really had to go on so of course it was great. It's how I felt), and you can get choked up on different cultures and you can get choked up on the fact he wasn't a Christian. I wouldn't let your mind stay there though. Let's get one thing straight before I go on. Are you familiar with what happens when you try to break up with the man beating you within inches of your life??? If not, listen up! The conversation with the psychopath you're sleeping with doesn't go like this "Hun, so I sense your not wanting to be with me anymore..." " No, I'm not loving the drug thing or beatings. Kinda not what I signed up for....." "cool, thanks for letting me know, I'm going to go ruin some other broads life now instead.....". UM....not so much. Instead you become a vicious game of cat and mouse and it begins to chip away at everything you hold sacred including sleep. You can't even lay your head to the pillow because you have no idea when you're going to hear the jingle of the keys in the door and then realizing that he is hovering over your body to see if you're really asleep. He would then check my cell phone to see who I'd been calling and where I'd been throughout the day. I had never seen anyone so paranoid. Remember I had grown up in a household where there was dysfunction, but there wasn't this overwhelming control thing, so this was all new to me. I didn't like it but I didn't know how to stand up for myself just yet. I wasn't completely alone. I had my conversations with Jesus. They weren't in depth about leaving Luis but they were in depth about being strong so he could get help. I still hadn't understood he wasn't going to treat me with respect when I didn't have any for myself. I needed to grow up yet and I was on this dangerous path that was going to not only test my physical body but my spiritual body as well. It was as soon as I asked him about the drugs that I knew his spirit was run by a dark force I could see in his eyes and I could feel on my skin. I wanted to let him see that he could run on the Holy Spirit like I was. The demons would manifest themselves with different intensity on a daily basis. If we were on the phone, he would go off on different tangents that I couldn't make sense of. It scared me to think his mind was gone and that I hadn't really seen it for the first couple of months that we were hanging out. I wondered how he had kept if from me up until I confronted him. I had so many questions that I couldn't actually get him to answer. I began to understand that I was the smarter person. I started to devise another plan. Instead of him wanting to stay with me I wanted him to NOT want to stay with me. So I began the new path.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

I woke up.....physically

He knew that when I came to he had to convince me to be scared of him. I was. Not scared that he could kill me because when it comes right down to it people can kill people any hour of the day seven days a week 365 days a year. No, I was scared because it was entangled with my affection towards him and my desire to be loved by him that I wouldn't be able to disconnect the two. I mean c'mon we had already been making it work when he was on the drugs up until this point right?! WRONG! The bubble of deception that had been my life for the last few months was catching up to me. When you consider that nothing we were doing was what a real family would do; like seeing each other only on the weekends, then you understand that not being accountable to one another was an issue. I didn't know anyone who could verify who he was or what he was about. I didn't have anyone to call and ask what was going on in this guy's life. I mean, I knew a couple of his friends but I didn't have their cell phone numbers and we didn't have the kind of relationship where anyone could really vouch for who I was. I woke up shortly after I blacked out and he began to grab and push me around the whole apartment. The natural reaction is to allow the person harming you when you sleep with that person to see if it will stop on its own. When it didn't stop and it was continuing I began to fight back. I had pent up rage from the 3rd grade, mind you. Not to mention my parents could make a plastic doll want to cuss, I was going to let this guy know who he was messing with. I learned that lesson very quickly. I got the beating of my life. I was in a kind of pain I had never felt before. I was bruised of course, but I meant a spiritual blow like never before. I felt worthless. I felt so worthless. I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I didn't know what to do in that moment other than serve the immediate need to nurse the bruises. The inside bruise would have to wait. Not to mention NO ONE COULD KNOW ABOUT IT. What good could come from telling someone that my boyfriend beat me up when I confronted him on drugs. NO! NO! NO! I wasn't going there until I could figure out what was really going on. When those bags of drugs fell out of his wallet my whole life changed. I had learned how to survive chaos when I lived at home. I had learned to let people think everything was ok, when it wasn't ok, so I had that part handled. What I didn't have covered was how I was going to survive (literally) if this continued. I decided to control him in other ways and to counter initiate his love for me instead of the drug. I never said it was a good plan, but it was a start. The lesson that I have learned in this horrific scary time in my life is more important that any other part of my life. I didn't know it yet but this was going to be a long journey and I had just begun the tough part. I LEARNED TO MAKE HIM CRAVE ME. I wanted to replace the drug. I was going to replace the drug. I set out to stop his need to rely on drugs which all in all doesn't sound so bad. When you understand it is in place of him surrendering his life to Jesus and serving out his true purpose through Christ you will see how all plans devised to control someone will fail. Even if they are started in the best intentions to preserve the relationship. I meant well honestly, but I had to follow through on accountability for myself to see NOTHING can be true and right and Godly without full surrender to accountability. He needed to want to be better. He needed to want to love the Lord so he could love me. He needed to want to lose the drug habit and replace it with healthier options for stress and fear. At the time I don't think even I wanted all of that.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Who knew?

To say that my job was taking every last ounce of fun out of me was the understatement of the year for me. I had no idea how much other people relied on you to bring in money so they could begin to relax a bit before easing into retirement. I wanted so badly to love hair and to become successful at what I did. I really did want my own salon and to teach women and men of all ages that everyday it was up to them how great they could look!!! It's a win win situation when everyone in the world (or your world) knows how awesome they are when they walk in the door and when they walk right back out again. I just hadn't factored in that the atmosphere was extremely strong and working against me. Yes, yes, yes I knew the behaviors were similar to the ones I could find at home, I just didn't think they were going to fight against me. I mean why would they???? I made them money every day, happily and cheerfully. It's clear that just working or living near me does not make a "Better Betty" these were "Bitter Betty's" and they were here to stay. Part of me knew and always knew it was going to end the way it did....cold like a dead fish but in the mean time they were going to school me on everything I had no clue in because I didn't do them. DRUGS. Sadly Luis was a drug addict in disguise. He was so smooth around the edges it looked like someone had chiseled that boy right out of solid stone. He radiated a completely different type of light. Dark, Mysterious, and Dangerous. I know now why I was so drawn to him. He was the exact opposite of me. He was all the opposing forces but seemed to be what I wanted and what I liked. On the surface he kept himself so proper that I loved the end result. I had not factored in that the way to control something so pristine was to do it using drugs. I have lived much more since then with my eyes wide open because I know what to look for when people are presenting a perfect canvas without telling you how to achieve it. I didn't live with him full time ........errrrrrr scratch that he didn't live with me full time. I didn't know what he ate or drank or put in his body when I didn't see him on the weekdays. One night I was cleaning up a manicure station I had just done nails on a wonderful client of mine. He stopped in to see me before he went to work. He didn't seem to mind driving to see me all the way in Hershey when he worked an hour away. He always called me baby.....and not to mention he was sly and shy when he first would walk into a room. He wanted to take it all in I guess. He needed to see who was around and what everyone was up to before he would try to kiss me or ask me how my day was. He never stayed very long, I didn't know back then what I know now about our spirits and how much we do based on them being tempted or pushed. He left like a usual day but this time my boss's partner asked if she could talk to me before I left for the day. She blew smoke in the air as usual (it always smelled like an ashtray anywhere she went). She was hard and soft all at the same time ya know. She was so insecure and had to keep up the front for everyone else. She dare not look vulnerable or human to the rest of us or we'd take advantage of that. She didn't fool me! She was completely miserable everyday and only got along with people more miserable than she was. I'll never forget the words she said. They cut me like a knife. "Do you know he does drugs....."? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???? I just looked at her like she had 2 heads. I mean c'mon what kind of person did she think I was???? Did she know what kind of woman I wanted to be! I'd NEVER DATE A DRUG ADDICT! HE NEVER EVEN ASKED ME TO DO DRUGS! I said how do you know that? You barely have any conversation with him so what makes you think you know????? She said tonight when he came to visit he had white powder on his nose where the nostril was....I called attention to it and he huffed it in and then wiped the rest off before he walked in to see you. I just stared blankly at her for a moment and thought, she called it to attention before I would have caught it and he didn't even do anything???? She said oh he knows I'm on to him for sure, because he just looked at me and stared me down like what was I going to do?? Tell you or let it go? That night changed my life forever. It kept ringing in my ear that he was on drugs and it scared me to death. I thought how could I have gone a year and not known that this guy does drugs and why hasn't he asked me to do them with him???? Does he hide them from me??? Should I ask him to his face or over the phone??? I mean you girls out there know what happens when the bad boys get caught face to face. Right? I didn't know for sure what would happen if I just waited til I saw him face to face??? I had known it was very difficult for me to confront people even though I was extremely outgoing. I figured people would grow into better versions of a human everyday they are alive....Right??? WRONG! I also have this habit of assuming people act like I do. Lol no! Not so much. I wanted to understand my emotions of fear a bit better before I jumped right down his throat so I gave it til I saw him on the weekend. I remember being so afraid that it was true so I went looking everywhere in his things to find drugs. That's just what I found. His pants had his wallet and some credit card receipts and, lo and behold, when I opened up his wallet 2 bags of white powder fell out. My jaw dropped to the floor like one of those kids movies where someone's getting in trouble!! I swear I stood there for what felt like minutes but was probably just a couple of seconds. I process very quickly. I didn't want drugs in my life no matter who had them or did them. I wanted purity in that category if you can even handle that knowing full well I am not a pure woman. I had made up my mind I was done. No questions asked. He either did drugs or sold drugs and there was no way I was allowing this to continue. I walked right into the bedroom where he was napping and grabbed his legs and pulled him directly off the bed. I'm pretty sure in that very second that my hands grabbed his legs he thought "reckoning day" was upon him. He stood so shocked at how I woke him and faced me. He saw me holding the white bags of powder and in that moment he looked me in the eye...I could see the light leave him....his eyes were as black as coal. He looked at me and said in this heinous voice "you shouldn't have done that"....and I said back as strongly as I could....NO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! I WANT YOU OUT! I could feel his hands come swiftly up my body to my neck and he pushed me way back into the closet and lifted me up onto the wall. He began to tell me it could have been different. I was losing breath as my eyes began to black out. He was going to kill me to keep his dirty little secret. The woman he loved so much meant nothing to him over those pathetic little bags of crack. Honestly there isn't enough to salt a potato in one of things, but I was going to die for 2 of them. And I would have if it had been God's will in that moment of my life. Too bad for me that I came to.