Monday, January 16, 2017

Time Travel>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Let's travel 15 years into the future! Boom......were here. I sit in the same living room as I type out this blog and can also see the young woman that I was at the time of purchasing this place. What a gift to have been able to achieve such a wonderfully small place to call my own. I have had so many great memories here that the few bad ones just fade into the dust. I love this house so much! Not so much because it's extravagant, rather because it is simplistic. It is enough. It is just right. I can't explain the contentment. It's ability to hold me safe at night, be close to all things me and yet still fit my style and continual need to change. My condo was going to be this sweet consistent tool for my life very much like my spiritual walk. Always here, always growing, changing and helping others do the same. It is an extension of me. You have to be able to get outside of any comfort zone to really understand why I can compare my faith to an actual item or space in my human life. This home represents the faith that I have as a woman. This home from the moment you arrive is set up in a way to give life, love, laughter and a bit of elegance among the status quo that is right outside. My streets are lined with the most beautiful of trees and each driveway carefully placed outside each home. Each night when I drive home from work exhausted and hangry, I am just minutes from my sweet little escape. I have loved sharing this story with so many people over the years. It's connection to me isn't like most considering it was bought at such a young age of 21 and single. It's more of me than anyone else that comes into it, but just like me, anything I have is open. I always want people to feel comfortable and welcome when they come into my house. I have felt the other side of being unwelcome and uncomfortable the entire time I was growing up or how my ex controlled how long people stayed because he couldn't let anyone in. The journey to reveal who I wanted to be started very young for me. 17 choosing my career and then moving out at 18, then buying my first house at the age of 21. Life was going so quickly. I loved every minute of it. Yet I still have this little piece of property and am as content as can be. My husband and I now have goals that include this condo one day being rented, but never sold. Never thrown away. I would never sell this place. It is not a stepping stone, rather part of the whole picture. When you have no regrets you can understand everything in your life is for a reason. If a painter were to paint my life some of the most beautiful parts would be the dark areas. Where the black and shadows change the way a person sees the Light and all it's reflection! See without it you can't understand the beauty in it's entirety. Before I knew it I was in my house and loving every minute of it. I enjoyed the hustle bustle of everyday. I knew then I was a person of structure. I love to be in control of my environment. I can arrange and rearrange and tidy and nap and just "be". It really is great when you understand your single life is as good as it gets when you're not in a relationship. You need to know who that person is before you can really represent yourself in a healthy way, and know your boundaries. It was tough for me in the beginning with my relationships because as much as I love to be single I also love to be in a relationship. Go figure. I'm a go either way. The real issue is my love language is words of affirmation and quality conversation. Since I had been neglected as a young girl and woman when it came time and of age to be able to really gauge that for myself I longed for it. I always was and am still looking for those words to see if people see what I see. The greatness that I see in life, my career and myself. For years I starved for any nurturing at all. So once I was in a position to be in a relationship I took it. Luis was someone I thought I'd never achieve. From chubby conervative to fashion forward Designer was a huge change. I was much safer in my own environment, but not for long. As is and you will see throughout the blog. The minute I settle in, someone is right around the corner waiting to ruffle my feathers.

Monday, January 9, 2017

let's be honest

I try to be honest. I mean I am honest to a fault my husband says. I have this desire to search for truth and be apart of people who tell the truth. I just love looking back on my life and sharing what was running through my head and why I so desire to share it. It shouldn't surprise you that I loved being on my own unless you have the information that I was afraid of the dark my entire childhood. The dark symbolizes a lot of things wicked or evil, nothing usually good let's put it that way. I was always so sensitive and still am til this day. So you might think I would never make it on my own. That's where the truth comes in. The truth is(based on multiple experiences throughout my life) that when you choose to love yourself and give that glory to the creator God most high, you can create an environment that has the Holy Spirit running through it. This does not mean that there won't be mistakes, sin, obstacles you get my drift. What I'm saying is you have to take into consideration that the real "Heart" of the home is where the warm and inviting nature comes in. I never felt like when I was growing up we could take anyone inside and talk to them about whatever they were going through without a judgement of what we really thought once they left. I am not naive in thinking that people don't talk.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Old habits are hard to break.

They may be hard to break but they are not impossible to conquer. I was learning the hard way that no matter what new thing you put in front of your face, you still need to deal with what is not right for your life. I had made mistakes and I am grateful that I learned from them, but do not be confused about the fact that I needed guidance and support just like anyone. It was a hard road, taking steps even my own parents hadn't taken. I never heard their dreams about what they had wanted to be, on the contrary I heard how they had never achieved the dreams they had for themselves before they met. I do not need to unravel every yucky thing about that, but we do need to understand that it isn't easy to just take a step you've never actually seen or heard anyone take. If it was that easy to acquire information for our lives, we wouldn't need parents or schooling to learn what is basic essential needs. I was continually taking steps ahead without looking back and moving through life so quickly that often people would describe me as a bull in a china closet or "she moves at a thousand miles an hour". What does that stuff mean anyway? The people around me sensed something in me that they could only describe as a speed not a way of thinking. I have had few people that I could identify with which made it hard to trust people with my questions. I definitely didn't feel like my parents wanted me to achieve. We did not have family dinners where everyone sat down and talked about how we were going to be healthier, wealthier and wise by the following year(sigh). My dream conversations. I was trying to kick the Luis thing. I missed the drama on some level but didn't understand why. I was slowly peeling back the layers of my brain to reveal I liked controlling things. I thought if I could control his actions maybe he would notice life actually got better and choose to live like I did. Maybe he would even find God in the process because he wanted so badly to be with me. Not so much. That's just not how relationships work. I had no basis of information for what a REAL relationship looked like. All I had was the dysfunction that I had been raised in which allowed me to know what NOT to do. So why not try this route? I mean think about it. I wasn't trying to hide that he was messed up, or that he needed to change to find the Lord, I just wanted to see if you could really talk someone into changing. I crack up reading the words I type now because it's so trivial to think talking to someone could genuinely change them. THEY HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE. The key to understanding was that my loneliness was linked to my family tree. I did believe in God, had accepted salvation for my self and wanted to be a great person. Along the way I hit obstacles that revealed a lot of the trouble that I ran into was because we had made a mockery of God's design. We had not been accountable to submit to God's will in our lives or to be intentional about all things. More importantly the things we were hiding and not working on were things like food, debt, laziness, separation, silent treatment, disrespect, & lies. I could go on and on and on about what we were doing as a family but that's not the real point. It would not have mattered exactly what we were dealing with but how we went about it because we claimed CHRIST. I'm just glad that I was willing to take steps in the dark rather than stay in the wretchedness I could see clearly. I decided it would be better to go on without them than to ask them to change. I also learned along the way that even though I could make changes in my food choices, debt or how I conducted my everyday life, that does not mean anyone or everyone will come along and change with you, even if they can see it's helping you become a much happier person. I can still remember all the times that they would mock me for dating the wrong guy, but not speak on the subject that it takes time to learn what is the right guy, and how to behave like the right girl. It was always perplexing to me that you could pick on your own kin rather than build them up and teach them to come along side of one another and to hold each other in great reverence. I am still on that journey today. To reveal why we do things in our families that bring no good outcomes, and yet we seem to trudge on as if we can not see it.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Welcome mat

I'd like to think the welcome mat at one time meant just that. Welcome. I was a bit naive in thinking that once you move into a home that everyone you know will rush to see what success has become you. Not so much. Was it that I was young? A good five years ahead of my peer group didn't help any. I had managed to welcome people right out of my life. It wasn't that I tried it or anything. I just naturally learned to be independent from others. I never even thought it could be that I was an oldest child or that my job created an independent thinking in me. I had to stand behind the chair and help lead another person down a road of style and definition. I loved that my work had me surrounded by people all day long, that when it came time to come home, peace and quiet was all I needed. I really only made friends at the gym I went to. It was great to go and connect with people there that had a common interest with me to keep their chub in check. I was still on the path to defining my shape. I went every day to unwind and see the cute boys. No lie there, I was a goner when it came to muscles. The only thing I think I had in comparison was my love for Pizza. Go figure. I was always beaming when I walked through the doors. I was so eager to become someone and to change my life. It was written right on my sleeve. I was always chatty at the door where you checked in and soon became friends with the managers. I would soon learn I had a fond interest in the step classes. I would fly across those steps like I was meant for dancing. It was intense to hear everyone's feet hitting the floor and to see us all glistening from the sweat running down our faces. You were soaked by the time you were done. You worked out every bit of stress a girl could have by the end of class. I loved the high you got from pushing yourself. It was an incredible feeling to be a part of something outside of work. It was great we were all welcome to be right beside each other. It wasn't like we all knew one another like best friends, but it didn't matter. We came there to have fun and that's what we did. I still long for that part of society to catch up with the rest of the world. The kind of welcome that we have when we all have something in common. We create our own kind of families that learn to have fun in a room full of different expectations. It was an incredible part of my life and I'll never forget how I felt. I wanted that feeling to be something that I gave to others every day for the rest of my life. I didn't always manage this. in part due to the fact that I hadn't factored in the haters that would almost make it impossible for me to give my best. I guess I was under the assumption that everyone would "welcome" me. I was going to learn the hard way that was not the case. I hadn't learned yet that I was going to have to make them feel welcome first. I have this intense personality that leaves one of two options. Love me or Hate me. Take your pick. Don't worry, over the years I've learned to harness that intensity and on some level accept that it's who I am. I just had this rosy colored outlook that if I was welcoming that people would be welcoming back. I have come to understand that my belief and faith in Jesus Christ had set me apart from others. Oh! Not on the sin level or anything. No I was just as much a sinner as everyone else. I mean in a bigger picture sort of way. I saw and still see life as welcoming. I am still desiring every day to be pleasant and super friendly to everyone I meet. I just believe that my ability to feel the presence of God allows me to understand my value in life isn't hinged on what things we have in this life rather who we spend it with and how. People have always been the most important thing to me. As my journey would continue and still does today, I would come to understand that my ability to talk to anyone would then have me witnessing one on one with people on a daily basis. I am still searching for that perfect world where everyone's welcome mat means just that. WELCOME.