Achilles heel

Have you ever identified your weakness? This isn't a post about how terrible or weak a person can be. This is an honest approach to how "we" as humans tend to operate. I have a theory that the weakness is on the opposite side of the strength. It took a couple of decades to be sure but I have a weakness of enabling. Gentle helping I like to call it. Until it spins out of control and begins to devour everything around it. My weakness is on the opposite side of my strength. Independently strong. Fascinating to think about what a strong person can do, it's even scarier to think about what our weaknesses do. My desire has always been to be liked. Not for what I looked liked, but for how smart I am. I have always valued my brain. My ability to think and be independent from others. To handle life and all it's ups and downs like a warrior. Since I longed for it as a child I made up for it in my young adult life and it didn't always work in my favor. I liked the feeling too much. I hadn't mastered picking the right relationships to be around me since I had lived in an environment that hadn't mastered it either. It really does matter if your parents were honest with what strengths and weakness's they had. It doesn't allow people to learn to function well at all when those key elements are not focused on so we can choose more wisely each new day. This of course does not allow blame to settle in indefinitely, just a basis for understanding why our actions can lead us in a healthy way or just the opposite, an unhealthy way. There's a part of me that just loves to study the first half of my life so that I can understand what was missing and what my decisions were based on. If I can recall the data I begin to understand my own poor behavior had come from the influence of poor behavior around me. It's not easy to learn new things while attempting to undo the wrong things. I had this huge Faith burning inside me everyday. I was increasing in weight as well. This was not in my favor as a woman. I was also witty and challenged everything that was in my path. My relationships from my past have one thing in common. THEY COULD RELY ON ME. I followed through. I was consistent. I worked hard. I do not require much out of people, just conversation. That one always seemed to be the hardest. Oddly enough. My mother had started me off at a young age helping my siblings clean up their rooms or clean up after them. She was also a stickler for doing the dreaded chores. Remember those? I was always the strong element in the household to get things done. I remember my mother had a very difficult time getting dressed and out the door before 4 pm everyday. Most likely undiagnosed depression. She began to rely on my ability rather than her own. I never connected with her. She was sneaky and allowed a certain amount of deception in to everyone she came in contact with. She would take the credit for things she hadn't actually achieved on her own as if she had. My father on the other hand was completely the opposite. He left the house very early and didn't come home til he was tired and done for the day. I can assume they never set out to be so different but rather expected to meet in the middle. However it never came around to happening. My father loved his strength. I am very similar to him in that regard. He didn't so much want to identify his weakness. He enabled just about every relationship around him. He found it more appealing to be needed or control the environment at home. I know now it comes from his own ignorance on how to be completely open. But back then it just left a huge gap between him and my mother. It began such an unhealthy path. It taught us all the wrong things while not being transparent enough to grasp the healthy things in life. Picture a huge tree in the middle of a field. Enabling is when someone ties themselves to the tree, but never grows deep roots to stand along side of the tree so they can both weather the storms. I followed right in his footsteps. I enabled multiple relationships. At first it allows you to feel very important. I mean think about it. The person tying themselves to you sees what you have to offer and you feel overwhelmed by the feeling of importance. Someone noticed something special about me! It is life changing to be noticed. You can live on that high for awhile but it starts to irritate. The rope begins to rub and break pieces off of your tree that make you question who's getting more out of this. Enabling always causes problems. I've found throughout the past 3 decades that I often fall into that trap to enable others hoping that they will learn to trust in my deep roots. Alas it always leads to a full breakdown of the relationship because the one things ALL RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE IS ACCOUNTABILITY. My Achilles heel was that I enabled others to do things that are not in their path. Now I give them the encouragement to grow deep roots on their own. My relationship with the Lord changed my life. Do Not be discouraged to face your weakness. This isn't about pointing out your faults, this is about accepting your humanity. This isn't about how you haven't learned your lesson, it's about the lesson to be learned. I am still in the process 38 years in, of being intentional everyday to face my own fears and weaknesses. It isn't easy to hold yourself accountable at first like anything in life. I am here to share it does get easier and easier. Once you've understand there is no shame in facing anything head on. I enjoy my life and every part of it. When you look at your WHOLE life it adds up. I call it "good math"