Thursday, February 23, 2017
You think you've slayed one demon you've slayed them all. Nope. I was just over coming one obstacle at a time. I was so proud of myself for standing up for truth. You don't get a crash course on loving yourself where I come from, and just because we went to church didn't mean we knew how to put any of it into play. We played the church game. What I mean by that is we didn't know what it really looked like to allow the relationship we had with Jesus to cause any rational actions on our part. Just the church face, but no real loving behavior. What does loving behavior look like? Or what am I referring to. I mean acting like we gave a crap about our entire body, mind, soul, and then applied that self love to all other living creatures. Picture that for a moment. Just breathtaking. I would give anything for at least a family tree that did that. I believe we could affect the world in a real tangible way if we began with ourselves then taught every child that was born to do the very same thing. I was fighting a real battle. The one outside the church doors. THE ACTUAL battle. Fighting the smoke and mirrors out loud and in broad day light. I still am actually. No boasting there, nobody likes a braggart. It isn't a fun game in terms of winning and loosing. It's more deep rooted and secretive. Evil never really shows itself. It cloaks itself in the darkness and allows people to take the fall. It requires more communication on our part as humans to reveal what's really going on. I've learned that's the first thing to go in families. Communication. It seems to disappear the longer the family lives and the more people that marry into the family. It seems we believe things just "work themselves out".....or the other famous line "pick your battles". UM. I only know of one battle. The one between Good and Evil. All battles stem from that one. Therefore it requires us as people to keep the lines of communication open so we can bring to light all the passive aggressive evils that are lurking in the dark. It isn't "that" difficult. Unless like I have experienced your so far away from your own voice and who God has created you to be that staying quiet is just easier. I watched it in my own family my whole life. Even to this day we are incapable of working out our own issues for fear of failure. To me that's failure in itself. All we've done is reveal that we never knew God at all. We didn't understand his plan. We didn't read in depth the scripture to begin to connect to the reality of what he was warning us against. We bought into the religious spirit and began acting politically correct. BIG MISTAKE. We became chubby drones for the picking. We made it easy for the devil to deceive. Deception isn't easy to overcome, but it isn't impossible. We have no excuses for our behavior. We will answer for everything we do and say. That isn't a threat, it's just the truth. I wish we knew how the spirit of God would come in and strengthen us to be able to get through any trial. My prayer is that God will do a work within us to give over all control
Monday, February 6, 2017
To say that my life is boring is the understatement of the decade. I have lived a very dramatic life in such a small town. Not all of my own doing of course......No no...I mean because I am always uncovering someone's or something that has drama attached to it. It has been said drama follows me. Incorrect. Let me say this loud and clear. I CALL OUT DRAMA. There is a big difference. It doesn't follow me. I stop it in it's tracks. It's resting place is at my feet. Therefore the slow, irrational ones speaking always get this incorrect. Moving on to one of the most interesting times in my life was when I was dating the drug ridden co-dependent psychopath of my twenties. Don't sit there and gasp. They are all around us. This isn't as uncommon as some people would like to allow themselves to think. What I am most interested in was all the life lessons I came to learn through studying his movements and how difficult it was to outsmart him in the beginning. As time went on I got stronger and stronger and stronger. One of the underlying core values I have is once my mind is made up, I am willing to die for what I believe in. I was not willing to give anymore of my valuable young life to this guy who clearly didn't want to change and was going to kill my spirit "if" I let him. I will never forget the sound of that door at 2 am. My whole life I have been a light sleeper. I am one sound away from waking up and searching the room for any dark thing that might be lurking about. I sleep on a wooden box now so there is no way anything can crawl under my bed to later bite me in the middle of the night....That's a whole other blog!! I value sleep but I am completely aware if I am awakened and begin to feel a shiver down my spine, there is trouble on the horizon. I have had this kind of perception since I was a child and while it may seem to be a gift, it at times has felt like a curse. I am immediately begging God to intercede on my part. Given the time in my life and how young I was to be facing such a paralyzing helplessness for my own well being. This guy was going to stop at nothing. I had had the counseling, I had had the friends and family talks about how this guy is bad news. I had had the intervention with myself and said "self.....let this guy go." Do you understand you don't just break up with psycho's????? Try not to go all pragmatic on me if you have absolutely no basis for understanding here. Emotions do not help this situation, only facts. Until you've been through the trama of being followed, beaten, threatened, stalked, choked, tracked down to every place you go you have no idea what it is like to deal with one of these nitwits. No one is going to help you. Your on your own. You can try and set up the false sense of safety of 911 and family nearby or neighbors maybe hearing your cry for help, but who ya kiddin'? Your on your own. That morning changed my life forever. I knew when I heard the piercing door bell at 2 am my mind raced for a reason. WHO'S AT MY DOOR? WHY AM I AFRAID? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND I'M LITERALLY SHAKING FROM HEAD TO TOE. I thought about rolling back over and going to bed, but it would only happen and again. MY future wasn't safe. He was going to take over my life. Or so he thought. Bad move on his part. I decided it was my life or his that night. I didn't waste time going to the kitchen to get the biggest Knife I had. "The Butcher" you got it. This should work said my 23 year old self. Having never killed anyone before or even maimed them I had to go on what I thought would do the trick. I went to the peep hole looked out and there he was. LUIS. This guy was really starting to piss me off. I called through the door. (I was working up the guts to open up the door and go all kill bill on him) The thing that I can still recall is the feeling of being alone. Not spiritually alone. But alone. There wasn't one person who was going to help me. I was on my own. The choice 3 years prior in the dance club to allow this guy to consume me had come full circle. Now I was standing on the other side of my first house's door ready to open it up and kill this guy if I had to. I was sad, not that sad, I was sick of this petrifying fear he had put into my life. I was done shaking in my sleep, waking up in panic attacks, ducking into places before he could see me. It had to stop. The pfa's (protection from abuse orders) didn't work. He would find me no matter where I was. I could hear him breathing. He answered back in his latin buttery voice....."baby open the door it's me...I miss you". I answered back " You need to go and leave me alone or I'm calling the police." I didn't really know if I had the guts to call the police. This type of life just wasn't mine. He brought this to me....I didn't ask for it or want it. I had never ever ever wanted anyone to feel this way. I got angrier by the minute. He was testing my patience. He began to ring the door bell like he was running from a bear....Only 2 people in my life ring door bells that way....MY Father and Luis.....both this day do not spend time with me. One thing I detest is a man out of control. smh I was so afraid that my upstairs neighbors would wake up and call the police for such an alarming disturbance so early in the morning. I didn't want anyone to believe I thought this is the way life should be lived. I should probably preface I have a turbo switch in my brain. I can take alot, but once you have hit the breaking point.....back away slowly. What you are about to encounter is Laura" modern day demon slayer" I opened the door shiny butcher in hand. Raised like some thriller tv show from the 80's.....I had bad form but I ment every bit of it. He saw it and disregarded the huge shiny knife in my hand and pushed himself through the door. I held the knife back as not to nick him prior to him apologizing and leaving for good. No need for violence right???? ummmm.....wrong. He started this sob story about how much he loved me and needed me in his life. Remember we are not dating, he's stalking me and ruining my life. So I left the door open for him to see I didn't have plans to make up or take long with this unnecessary reunion. I remember talking to him with such intensity and density in my voice. I told him to get out and said I am no longer his toy or pet. I am willing to die tonight to be done. I said you either leave now.....Or I split your skull in two. It was like time slowed down. (que the matrix) I saw his eyes glaze over. He backed out of the door slowly and for the first time was making eye contact with the knife as if it could split his skull. He never looked more evil then the moment he last spoke to me...... His voice changed and his body stiffened up, more like sobered up. He no longer looked hopeless and needed me. He was someone else entirely. "You ungrateful cunt" is what he called me. His body oozed a darkness I knew had lingered deep within his body but now I was faced with it. I could hear the sound coming from his mouth but it wasn't the latin lover he had presented himself to be over the last 3 years. I had forced the Demon to the surface and he was looking me in the eye. I used the phrase then that I have come to love to use in situations like this. " You will never win, you do not serve my Creator God, He has already won the battle. Get Out" Some of you reading may be speechless, disoriented, be in a state of disbelief......it's always difficult to imagine the spiritual realm tickling your face. I was triumphant that night because I believed it was time for TRUTH to prevail. I have been in many spiritual battles since then and been able to talk through them very much the same. I faced the demon that lived inside of him that had made me his project to destroy. He was gaining ground until I decided to allow my FAITH TO STAND UP AND PUSH BACK AGAINST. I have had glimpses of God's power in my life and for all of you with your jaws open on the floor.....pick um up and move on. There's more to be thankful for in this story than to sit and worry about. Our God is an awesome God and HE reigns for ever and ever. My God conquers just by mentioning his name. That night changed the course of my life. I knew what it was going to take to get rid of these guys on the planet and for a moment I pictured the women across the country. Did they have what I have. A GOD SO BIG AND MIGHTY A FAITH THAT ALLOWS THEM TO PUSH THROUGH. I closed the door to my house differently that night. I walked back into the kitchen and put the knife back. I didn't need it after all. ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED IS GOD.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Growing through your 20's is hard. It's even harder when you do not realize the impact of the decisions you will be making in your future based on feelings. Sex, Lust, Control, Desire& Seduction comes from a sexual nature. Given to us by the creator and totally manipulated by the Devil. I am not making excuses for my less than classy behavior between the sheets. I am only painting the picture for you to be able to understand why it happens and why I have come to believe there's a fine line between us reading scripture then genuinely being able to carry it out WITHOUT making ANY mistakes or having chosen the wrong thing based purely on sin. Luis was a drug for me. His body oozed sex. He was so intensely beautiful naked that it was unreal.(I had nothing else to compare it to) For a young chubby thing like me that was incredible. I always knew I was different than the other girls at school. Since I was young as far back as I can remember I was the one getting in trouble at private school for bringing up the word sex, or talking about body parts when I wasn't supposed to. I laugh now. The writing was definitely on the wall that "Lust" was my kryptonite. I always liked the body builder guys and the muscular guys since I was little. I am drawn to the linear beauty and structure. I was never the Adam Levine type. Heck, I was the first girl in this area to put the "Rock" on the map as hottest celeb!(someone should be sending out royalties to me any day now). No matter where I was I was eyeing up the boys and so far from reach because of my own insecurities and obvious obstacles. I needed to have the chills go down my spine when they looked at me. I looked for that rush similar to picking out a fresh donut to chomp into at a local bakery. I thought I'd never get the guy that I was into to be into me and when it happened something else encrypted on me as well. "Lust". It is strong. It is a drug. It will devour you if you do not turn it over to God. I was so young. I don't beat myself up about the decade of debachaury . It's easy to look back now and see how easy it was to fall into it. The harder thing to manage is the young people in this world who continually fall into this pit fall of finding love through all the wrong doors. Even though I had gone to counseling it doesn't take away the work that needs to be done once life starts hitting you full force again the minute you leave the counselors office. It's hard to fight the urges to be seduced by the person your attracted to. When they are kissing you and touching you in a way that allows confusion to the brain, you have to be able to think your way out of it. The feeling is great but the actions lead to consequences that force you to go deeper into your brain to discover the truth about how we are to interact with the creator God. His desire to allow us to fight back against the smoke and mirrors game is intense. He can get us through anything we want to change and fight back against the destruction that is so rampant in our society. Saying no to Luis's touch was extremely hard. He was so lost and I knew I could help him. I wanted to show him a life that was awesome and amazing, but he was too far into drugs and so spent from his childhood with no parents caring for him and taking care of him. I was always in a superficial relationship with him. I wanted to go deeper with him but in the years we were together we never managed to get past the sexual attraction and the natural independence we had from one another. He didn't really need me and I sure as heck didn't NEED HIM. I wanted him. That feeling from the very beginning haunted me like a nightmare. The unnatural wanting of another person is dangerous and can lead to crazy girl syndrome. I would answer calls, answer texts, listen to messages and allow him to show back up in my life like a bad habit. It had to come to a stop, it was becoming clear that there was no controlling how he was treating me. Once we separated and I bought my house I thought the calls and constant clammer would stop. Luis always finds a way to get what he wants. It was what the drugs did to him. He found me following me home one night after work and decided to come back early in the morning. 2am in the morning. Nothing good happens at 2 am. when the doorbell rings......