Friday, February 3, 2017

"Lust is that you"?

Growing through your 20's is hard. It's even harder when you do not realize the impact of the decisions you will be making in your future based on feelings. Sex, Lust, Control, Desire& Seduction comes from a sexual nature. Given to us by the creator and totally manipulated by the Devil. I am not making excuses for my less than classy behavior between the sheets. I am only painting the picture for you to be able to understand why it happens and why I have come to believe there's a fine line between us reading scripture then genuinely being able to carry it out WITHOUT making ANY mistakes or having chosen the wrong thing based purely on sin. Luis was a drug for me. His body oozed sex. He was so intensely beautiful naked that it was unreal.(I had nothing else to compare it to) For a young chubby thing like me that was incredible. I always knew I was different than the other girls at school. Since I was young as far back as I can remember I was the one getting in trouble at private school for bringing up the word sex, or talking about body parts when I wasn't supposed to. I laugh now. The writing was definitely on the wall that "Lust" was my kryptonite. I always liked the body builder guys and the muscular guys since I was little. I am drawn to the linear beauty and structure. I was never the Adam Levine type. Heck, I was the first girl in this area to put the "Rock" on the map as hottest celeb!(someone should be sending out royalties to me any day now). No matter where I was I was eyeing up the boys and so far from reach because of my own insecurities and obvious obstacles. I needed to have the chills go down my spine when they looked at me. I looked for that rush similar to picking out a fresh donut to chomp into at a local bakery. I thought I'd never get the guy that I was into to be into me and when it happened something else encrypted on me as well. "Lust". It is strong. It is a drug. It will devour you if you do not turn it over to God. I was so young. I don't beat myself up about the decade of debachaury . It's easy to look back now and see how easy it was to fall into it. The harder thing to manage is the young people in this world who continually fall into this pit fall of finding love through all the wrong doors. Even though I had gone to counseling it doesn't take away the work that needs to be done once life starts hitting you full force again the minute you leave the counselors office. It's hard to fight the urges to be seduced by the person your attracted to. When they are kissing you and touching you in a way that allows confusion to the brain, you have to be able to think your way out of it. The feeling is great but the actions lead to consequences that force you to go deeper into your brain to discover the truth about how we are to interact with the creator God. His desire to allow us to fight back against the smoke and mirrors game is intense. He can get us through anything we want to change and fight back against the destruction that is so rampant in our society. Saying no to Luis's touch was extremely hard. He was so lost and I knew I could help him. I wanted to show him a life that was awesome and amazing, but he was too far into drugs and so spent from his childhood with no parents caring for him and taking care of him. I was always in a superficial relationship with him. I wanted to go deeper with him but in the years we were together we never managed to get past the sexual attraction and the natural independence we had from one another. He didn't really need me and I sure as heck didn't NEED HIM. I wanted him. That feeling from the very beginning haunted me like a nightmare. The unnatural wanting of another person is dangerous and can lead to crazy girl syndrome. I would answer calls, answer texts, listen to messages and allow him to show back up in my life like a bad habit. It had to come to a stop, it was becoming clear that there was no controlling how he was treating me. Once we separated and I bought my house I thought the calls and constant clammer would stop. Luis always finds a way to get what he wants. It was what the drugs did to him. He found me following me home one night after work and decided to come back early in the morning. 2am in the morning. Nothing good happens at 2 am. when the doorbell rings......

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