sex, food and in control

I felt so good to be able to reach into my brain and ask myself the tough questions no one seemed to be talking about around me. I wasn't fooled into thinking everyone knew what to do, because if that had been the case then we would all just offer up what works and people would go about their business as usual a cooler slimmer version of yesterday's self. Since I wasn't finding anyone who wanted to let me know what the deal was with food and I sure as heck wasn't getting anywhere, I turned to sex. It worked. When you're naked you better believe that you don't want to tote a big round carcass onto the other person. So for awhile when I was with Luis I had the slim sexy spice boy to keep me preoccupied, but that was only on the weekends. I had to find things to keep me busy Monday through Friday night. I loved having the apartment to myself. I had total control over what happened there. Well, sort of. I like all things tidy, no clutter, no television. I had a tv box but no cable, just a vcr player for movies. You turned my tv on and it had a blue screen. I had grown up in a family where food was consumed in immeasurable amounts while watching the boob tube. I was so afraid that if I had tv I would never be able to get away from eating in front of it and be as large as a house. I saved so much money and wasted time from not being in front of the television that I wasn't in a house that had one until I had married my first husband. I am not gonna lie, I love tv just like the next person, it can be very relaxing or fun. It's just at the time I needed something more from life and I hadn't found the "Laura" that I was proud of yet. I was finding more solace at work accomplishing something for someone else and going to the gym after work to get this darn thing in shape. I was on a roller coaster. I would work all day dreaming of this cute little life I had with spice boy and I would go to the gym at night. It was great. I would call him on the way to the gym and talk til I got there. I would walk into the gym and it would hit me like a ton of bricks. SEX. Maybe it's just me but I have to say finding myself and growing up into a woman who knew better was A-Okay by me. I loved walking into a place that never let me get too comfortable. I still to this day remember so vividly all the friends I've made and all the connections that I have for life from being that naive little chub that walked through the door at 18. It was a vicious cycle that I was on. Let's just say one of those cheap thrill rides at a small time carnival. It was brutal. I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about food, which would then send me into pictures in my head of Mr. and Mrs. Clump making out. I was not going to be a fat woman who ended up with a fat husband or boyfriend. I would die first. I would try and get it together and most of the time I was okay as long as I was busy. I could find myself looking back over the day and if I was busy at work or busy at the gym working out, I was not hungry, but when I got home I would eat everything in sight. I found a local pizza joint where I started going to buy a grilled chicken salad with no dressing and a bun.......then I had to go bun free cause carbs were a fad a while back and I had to let them go. It's a holiday weekend today and like any other normal person there's picnics and parades and I'm all for it. It's just when you're trying to find your inner peace, holidays can make a chubby person cuss. What the Hell Holiday!? Why are you here, why can't you just be a Tuesday .....Nothing happens on a Tuesday. I am so compassionate to anyone who struggles because when you're at these places that serve all the "bad foods": chips, pretzels, dips, any kind of pasta or potato salad you're doomed because if you're like me you could gain ten pounds in a single sit down. It wasn't that bad but it felt like it in my pants the next day. I was sick and tired of fighting the hunger pangs. It nagged like a hangnail or stone in your shoe.(seriously if you've ever had a stone in your shoe than you know it can make you feel like your foot is going to fall off if you don't stop and take care of that immediately) ;) It seemed to get easier once I started listening to my body. I knew when I needed to eat and when I didn't. The hard part came with life or rather work. It wasn't always easy to get a handle on when to take clients or when to eat at work and that was the next challenge I had to face. I'm not in an easy industry to begin with, considering we are the bandaid on the bullet wound called reality. Pinterest seems to make it possible in a click of a button but what it takes to get a handle on skin, hair and nails in an hour means no eating for the miracle worker. It's ok. I love helping people so I managed to learn what to take along to work and what not. But the next task was managing my body. It's not easy to look in the mirror at yourself. I mean really look in the mirror. I avoided it until I was dressed, and even then I was critical at what I saw. My past has haunted me with my skin stretched and wrinkles that shouldn't be there because my skin was stretched past the point of no return. I wake up everyday to my past creeping into my future. One day I'll get it sawed off and be done for good. But in the time being I'm right where I needed to be to learn what needed to be learned about all the choices I had made up until that point in my life. Even if they all weren't ones I really understood. I was growing up and it hurt, but I've learned to break the muscle down to strengthen it you have to tear it and let it heal. This was my process. I needed to be broken for a little while longer so I could one day be unbreakable.