my BIG mouth

(((Giggle))) No truer words ever said.....well, besides the BIBLE. But I mean me...about me. I do have quite the pie hole. Or I used to. I just think, "wow I have come so far from what I was". Let's think about the correlation to what I've been saying over the past few months. My MOUTH. It's been such a struggle. Is that weird? Abnormal? Un-treatable? Should we call someone? Look into that? Lol. I think it's a shame for most of my life I struggled to have such wonderful things happen or questions answered when I needed them most that I needed something to put in or on my mouth. Hence the wonderful addictions of the world. SEX, DRUGS, ROCK-N-ROLL. Mine is more like FOOD, SEX, CUSS. No joke. I used those three things to lash out. Think about it. Addictions always put a band-aid on what's really wrong. I needed the pleasure of eating to sooth me. I needed a boy to kiss me to soothe loneliness. Also back then it was how I gauged whether or not I was sexy (attractive, pretty, beautiful, everybody wants to be sexy on that scale you know it!) enough. Last but definitely not least I cussed, better than any trucker. Mostly towards people who where hiding behind closed doors. You ever have any of those people in your life? The ones that just won't bring that kind of behavior out in public????? Yeah I finally cussed at them. Not always to their face. No No. I'm classy. I did it mostly in my own room. Okay maybe family! I cussed directly at my family, but I had a theory on that one. I was hoping it would put me at distance with them because as you've gathered we have little in common other than breath. You can think what ever you want about that last sentence. It's nasty, I know. It isn't meant to impress you, rather be honest. It's just another look at the whacked out world I was living in. Yeah this one. The one we share. I mean I know we all have messed up times in our lives, I'm okay with that. It doesn't need to be a state of mind for the rest of our lives. I personally don't think it ever needs to be a thing we experience, but if it is I've learned we can come away from it and really grow. I learned that my mouth was my most powerful weapon and biggest gift yet. I'm thankful for the many lessons it taught me. It's a gift from God. My cussing????! Hell no! My mouth. I know you might not be able to understand what I'm trying to get across. I love to relate to the scripture GOD has given us and he tells us to be careful of the mouth for it can be so destructive. It's true. It took me a long time til I fully grasped that. I was about 24 when I really understood how powerful this mouth really was. Remember I told you I was in counseling for 11 years. I learned back then I needed to have rational thinking people to be around or I go crazy. Ha! (How I have made it this far is beeeeeyond me) I didn't always make the best decision or say the right things. No. I have made huge strides to be better than my old self. I strive daily to be mindful of many things in my life, but more importantly I've wanted to use my mouth for good. I want to stand up against the injustices of life and bring the light of Jesus to the REAL WORLD. Out on the streets where I find he's most relevant. Just sitting in church acting perfect and then coming back out to the real world only to cop out of what's really going on drives me nuts. Doesn't mean everyone does it but it happens often enough that it's destroying our towns and communities. The road that lead me to that very conclusion was such a bumpy disgusting road of lies, delusions, facades, expectations, obligations and, last but not least, irresponsibility.(sounds like tons of people I know) I dislike all of those words and how they break down the human body. I can't stand cop outs. They make me wanna cuss. So I studied what was going on in my mind and body and why I just despised the behavior. It's because it's void of forgiveness to yourself and learning to take healing and responsibility for your life. Which I believe are all gifts from God. I waited for years to feel the touch of someone's mouth and to feel special. It didn't need to consume me, had I understood how to take care of my body through food and water. I didn't need to have years of horrible skin irritations from being overweight and my thighs rubbing together just waiting to chafe. I didn't need to be made fun of every day of my young life, I didn't need to be dismissed at home because my parents couldn't deal with their own miserable upbringings and fake lives. I didn't need to try to survive everyday not knowing what would come tomorrow. ARE YOU GETTING THIS?? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why I chose food over God, sex over God. I remember one night with my ex husband telling me I could cut right through steel with my mouth. I finally got who I was. I was a strong warrior woman who could be available for God or could be used by the devil. I had to choose the side I wanted to work for. Yeah Yeah Yeah. I know that sounds a bit cliche. I mean this. I wasn't supposed to marry him to begin with, I did it to run away from the problems I was facing with dead relationships with family and work.(I learned that lesson later.) I began to put the pieces together the moment he said that to me. He saw the same girl that my parents saw with my MOUTH. It clicked! They have the same lies and facade. They act one way at church or work, but when it comes right down to it they can't keep up with work, bills, responsibility, accountability, REALITY.....that's the big one right there. I would lash out every time I was surrounded by a person who hides. People hide from everything it seems. I will continue to reach out to people to explain we do not need to hide. We can forgive ourselves from what we did and start new. I had to forgive myself for lashing out, cussing, eating, sexing instead of using my time and my mouth to help people. Does that mean that I don't do those things now? Hell no! ha! I want to caution you to understand that as long as you live you will have to use the same vessel that was choosing poorly to be the same vessel choosing wisely. The same mouth that was eating processed foods and either bingeing on them or purging them is now the mouth that chooses good organic foods and uses my food to nourish my body from the inside out. The same mouth that was kissing boys I had no business kissing now kisses my husband ONLY. The husband who knows EVERYTHING ABOUT ME (and reads this blog). He loves me and my once wayward lips. The mouth that was cussing out family members and constantly near fake people has chosen total distance and peace rather than friction. That included me getting a new job by opening my own salon and time away from the whole family tree where the hiding behavior still continues. I decided to take a different path. One that allowed me to be responsible for everything I was doing. I wanted to make a path that would make a difference in everything I did and everyone I've met. I take my health seriously so that when I eat I can get up in the morning and use my body to bless others by saying hello, making them look and feel beautiful and to give hugs and support where I can. I talk to my husband every minute I can and give HIM a hundred kisses a day to give him the love he needs to feel encouraged and supported. So yes, I use this mouth for food and kisses, but this is the time in my life where I choose to do something amazing with them. And as far as cussing.....as long as there is evil on the planet you're bound to hear a fowl word every now and then. Satan doesn't listen to please and thank you anyway........