You'll kiss a few toads before you find your prince

"Is this love that I'm feeling, or is this the love that I've been searching for......"??(to quote Whitesnake, for you young bucks look it up) At that exact moment that Luis kissed me I had never felt a surge come over my body quite like that before. Yes, yes, I've had people kiss me and I've had boyfriends Duh!!!! This was different. I had put him on a pedestal that no one had ever sat on in my life before. Heck, no one in my family tree was so beautiful....I mean this guy was gorgeous. Not the kind you find in a second hand store (a little Prince for ya!!) I didn't know it yet but this was the part of the journey with love that you have to find out for yourself. I had parents, I thought I knew what it was to look at people at church with their spouses, I saw people all the time getting engaged and I thought wow......Do their knees shake when they kiss??? You could always fake a knee shake, but why bother if you can find the real thing yeah??!!! I thought my whole world had fallen upside down. I knew life was going to be more fun by the minute because I had to await this guy's call while I was at work and I had this guy to talk about while I was at work and I had this guy to look forward to after work, and the gym of course. It's funny how I type this out now and back then even texting was just really coming into play in relationships. I remember checking to see voicemail envelopes blinking in the top right of the phone screen. Those were the days, the days where voicemail chicks didn't drag on the introductory of who called, what time and what to do to listen or delete! UGH!!! That chick drives me nuts. I would check it on the hour when I was finished with a haircut or color and go into the back room and check my phone a thousand times to see if he called. Things really started to take a turn because I was serious about this guy and decided that after a week of honest calling and subtle texting that I was definitely making an impression on Mr. Picante. I think I was so nervous to lose him that I began to focus more on my looks. No BIG deal right??? I mean what girl in her right mind trying to lock in a cute boyfriend doesn't watch her looks like I need to lose 10 lbs yesterday??!!! It was the plan I had already mapped out for myself anyway, I mean I was at the gym, I was a graduate of food therapy counseling and knew I had to take the necessary steps to correct my eating, it's just now I had this cute boy around to help curb my desire to eat food ever again because I wasn't going to be the chubby chaffing trainwreck he left for another cute thinner girl. NO SIR! I was on a diet. Oh gosh. I don't know what's worse, the bad boyfriend sob story to come or the "diet" nightmare that became my life for 7 years. Now mind you it spanned over 2 relationships. I am so sorry body, temple, vessel but you have to go. You're not going to be needed here anymore cause momma's getting a cute boyfriend. I had understood I was choosing food when I was stressed out and as much as my therapist loved me and my cash, she couldn't help me every inch of my future. You can never guess what stress will be around every corner to even be able to stock the frig correctly for a binge bulge session anyway. I had to take this one step at a time and I was going to start with "anorexia" cause those girls had managed a skill that had skipped my entire family tree.(Please make a note: this is NOT A STAB AT THE DISEASE) Heck no I was 21 years old stupid and I meant it. I was at least going to try the opposite side of the disease I had been given. I was going to NOT eat. Hell, I didn't make it 20 min. I sat down and thought, each week that goes by I want to be thinner and sexier than the last time he saw me so he can not leave me.(it sounds immature, that's because it was and that is how girls think, moving on) I had to figure something out and I would because I always come up with a plan. I'm no wuss. I will do what has to be done even if it kills me. My mother used to say that I obsessed over losing weight so much that I would end up dead. I said "that's fine, at least they won't have to jump on the casket to close it". She could't relate that I would rather die than live one more day being worse than the day before. I was going to change my weight if it was the last thing I did. It became a depressing mantra in my head. I'm HUNGRY. The only thing I thought! If that wasn't it then "I wish I was thinner". Girls! We have got to stop beating ourselves up over not being perfect in one day. For those coming out of homes where there is a food addiction or homes where being thin was just the DNA of the tree to going away to college and gaining weight or after a relationship kicks in you pack on the munchie pounds.....It's okay to have to come to a challenge to learn how your body works best. I shouldn't have pushed mine so hard. I should have loved it more gently and allowed the boy to like me while working on things in my life that concerned me or slowed me down. Ya know nowadays I go places and see pop up franchise's that are a walk in make your own slow death ice cream bars. AMERICA WAKE THE HECK UP! I've yet to see any "grow your own garden" bars poppin' up. Of course not, a lot of people have learned to drown their sorrows in "I haven't gone to the grocery store or I hate my life today it's Tuesday" low-fat vanilla. Is that a stab at how society has morphed into social hours of drown in sugar?? No. It's a reality check as to why I was feeling the pressure to eat, eat , EAT EATTTTT!!!!! While knowing that the pressure felt wrong and the reality was I wasn't going to find anyone including my therapist who would admit there was an undertone in society that food controlled us. It did. It's just this time it controlled me while I was controlling it to not control me. It was controlling me. Bastard. It was gaining on me and I hated it. I loved the weeks because I could just get calls and texts during the day and I was working so the time went by fast. I would go to the gym during the week after work and then get home late in the day around 9:30 or 10 pm to eat something quick and then relax in bed and chill with the cat. I never had a computer or a tv so I would just lay in bed thinking about food and do word find puzzles. I was about as cool as an 83 year old woman!!! lol I loved that life because the weekend was coming and I was going to get to see my boyfriend. I had the perfect life. Or so I thought......