Monday, April 3, 2017

I am not enough

Do you ever feel like you're not enough?'re not. Not in a bad way just a real way. Without Jesus Christ filling in the gaps with his breath, spirit and divine intervention, we're simply not enough on our own. Now switch your thinking around, accept what is true without guilt and shame, and it's a whole different story. I can truly say, without a doubt, that growing up unhealthy and unattractive to the eye was extremely difficult and made me "feel" like I wasn't enough. I decided that that feeling inside my gut was to cue a change in me; a desire to start a revolution against the impurities and dysfunction we had with food in my house. My family had set habits in motion at such a young age that I very much began to feel like I wasn't enough. I learned we didn't choose laughter or sharing thoughts over eating and watching TV. It began to tear at us on the inside creating less and less self worth and value we could share between one another. I knew it wasn't God's intention for us to hurt silently. It was screaming to the outside world that we needed help and we needed it now. I looked around at everyone who could clearly see that we needed help and yet they all looked exactly the same. In those quiet moments I knew that everyone felt the same about themselves and that we needed Jesus badly. We were believing the myth that we were not enough but not being changed by the truth. There is a huge difference in knowing about God and feeling His presence in your life because you have a relationship with Him. I wanted the real relationship with Him. I am still on a continuous journey to grow in Him and to develop an incredible relationship that all people can see no matter who they are or where I am. I have felt not enough and I know I am not enough but those feelings do not come from the same place in my spirit or gut. Feelings can completely cloud your judgement and can inhibit the right choices in the future, where as the knowledge that I am not enough can come from an understanding of all things truth. I know I need Jesus to close in the gaps and "I" am not enough...without HIM. It isn't a put down or an attack on my self worth. It's an acknowledgement that HE is the key to joy and peace. I was able to change my thinking over the years so I could then begin to refine my actions, no matter what my feelings were. I often say in the house that Happy, Sad, or Mad you're make a good choice because your emotions will change by the minute but your actions will produce consequences that could last a life time. When you stop and think about what can happen over time because of the choices you make you can begin to look inside and get real with yourself. Do your current choices say to the world around you that you believe "you are enough"?! Too often we blame the things outside of our control and don't take enough responsibility to conduct our own lives in a way that says loud and clear "I am enough". We must remember to continue becoming the best we can be, while also accepting our value from our Lord and Creator God and that He has a purpose and we can be a part of that purpose. I am walking through that life with you on accepting that HE has created me and "I am enough with HIM". As I pushed bedyond the relationship with Luis where I found that he was not interested in leaving me intact for any kind of work on this planet, I began to accept the pain that it had done in my life. Outside of Christ there is nothing to live for and what Luis had done to my life left scars or reminders that we have to bear the consequences until we are healed and understand the lesson in it's entirety. I still had a great career, a car, a house, wonderful cats, friends and places to shop and eat, it wasn't like I curled up and died. I was living with the pain in my head. Everything is mental first before it becomes physical. I was facing every painful excruciating moment in my head with HIM. Jesus never leaves me to do it on my own, but he also doesn't take it all away. I'm okay with that because in the end it is the obstacle that refines you. I am now sharing with my husband and step son that there are so many obstacles to face in this life so we can be at our best and it isn't in ignoring them that we are strengthened. It's in facing them that we become strong. We are enough with HIM. We're learning that deeper and deeper and deeper everyday.

No comments:

Post a Comment