Monday, March 13, 2017

Anxiety got the best of me!

I don't mean that in a negative way. Anxiety really did GET the best of me. I learned along time ago my brain works best under heat and pressure. I learned to understand that when anxiety hit me it was because I wasn't getting truth from everyone that was involved in whatever situation I was facing. After the breakup of Luis and I there wasn't many people who would understand what I had to do and why it was so necessary to continuing my life in a healthy way. It was VERY important for my life to remain in a healthy way so I could go on to tell others what I had learned. BUT.....that was not the experience I had with others around me that were in relationships. The undertone was not that I had learned anything from my mistake but rather that I had taken a notch out of the belt of learning and growth and had basically gone backwards in thinking not forwards. I am in love with words, learning, investigating, talking, conversation, basically anything having to do with human interaction. So the minute I was in and then out of a relationship, for me to find not one person who wanted to relate what I had gone through and how to manage or go on in a healthier approach, I became very aware of the disconnect we had as people with the learning growth process of life. I was on a mission from that point on to prove a point. WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT. You either go through it finding out who you are and what your genuine needs are while maturing and refining your relationships, or you go through it in the wrong relationships becoming a person who picks up on coping mechanisms, manipulations and pretend states of mind. I have watched the deterioration of people's joy and interest in growth because of being locked into relationships that are all wrong for them. DON'T MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING. I am not an advocate for just breaking these relationships up. No. On the contrary. I am an advocate for teaching all people accountability and responsibility to learn for themselves, then to learn to communicate that to others. Just breaking up relationships is not the point. There is still the full responsibility to teach all things positive and to hold accountability to all humans to act in a way that allows us all to thrive. This in my personal opinion and experience starts at birth. The most important role is parenting. It's an incredible job to introduce to a child the reason they are here on the planet is to affect it in a positive way to bring the love and light of Jesus Christ in a everyday approach to everyone they meet. It isn't something that waits for Sunday mornings. It is what we are to be living every second of everyday. So in parenting we TEACH. They learn and aspire to go even farther than we had ever hoped or grasped they could because we would be relying on the Holy Spirit to enter in and fill the gaps. Not only would we not have competitions, we would look for connections so we could all be part of a thriving society full of people wanting more to join in. When everyone serves a purpose and all people have a purpose there is no need to tear down and to devour the spirit of the individual. When we are all thriving we all thrive. We need more God and less control. In my dream world we all start to understand that there is nothing to loose being part of a thriving society just more to gain on loving one another and how unique and interesting we all are. It will take effort and understanding to ask for wisdom from God so we can begin a new path to healing all people and to prepare for those not yet born. I was here in my mindset on the way to work everyday when Luis and I were finished. Although I can go deep deep deep into my thinking and spirituality it doesn't mean I am incapable of making new mistakes or for that matter making the same mistake twice. I have to continually be in a relationship with the Lord just like the rest of us. I have to meet with him daily allowing him to enter in to soften and refine me as well. Each day I experienced an anxiety attack whether driving my car or going to walk into work I realized it was because I was taking steps to reveal truth. I was walking in God's grace and experiencing the complete opposite of what the "religious" people in my life said I would experience from walking outside of God's will. Now that doesn't mean I wasn't experiencing consequences. I had and do have consequences from disobeying. I was still joyful, happy, alive, breathing, feeling whole, gaining new understanding, feeling forgiveness from the inside out....I could go on for days explaining the overall health I felt even though I had just lived through a traumatic experience. I was ok. YET.....every time I ran into someone who had heard about, gossiped about it, or asked me how I was doing they did not exude that same amount of grace to me or have even the slightest amount of joy to share with me. I found this to be quite interesting. How could they be sadder than the person going through it? How could they not be happy to hear I was ok, or better yet look at me and know I was? I have learned so much about relationships and how much we are NOT capable of understanding when we won't relate to what we ourselves have gone through. NO ONE can be happy about something in your life without first understanding it in their own lives. I will say that again. You can not be genuinely happy for another person's experience without first relating that to something you have gone through in YOUR OWN LIFE. It's called fantasy if it hasn't been YOUR reality. I was becoming irritated the more I learned about this true disconnection we have with God, which would cause a disconnect between his people. I was sad, because the more I opened up to people the more they shut down. This is my mission. To bring connection back to the individual, so that they can then begin to truly connect to another person.

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