Monday, April 17, 2017
Therapy is just as hard as it sounds. It takes guts to get in the car and go searching for answers to what is going on inside your head and what you can do about it. Therapy doesn't fix you. It just allows you to understand that you can fix yourself.....if you want to. It's hard work. It's simpler in the office than it is leaving the office. Once you learn the word "boundary" you're pretty much sticking to it forever. Unless you're me and that word literally pisses me off. How the Heck can we have boundaries on everything? Goodness if everyone in the world goes to therapy and learns boundaries we will all have boundaries on one another and get no where. Great plan therapy. The only reason we haven't gone wild with boundaries is because "the whole world" hasn't had therapy yet. I love therapy. I hate the idea of boundaries taught in therapy. Don't confuse the two. They are two very different things. I, on the other hand, like the word "accountability" I prefer to think based on my experience that if we taught individuals to be accountable we would get further on the journey to healing and understanding. Since accountability doesn't negate speaking or communication it is my modus operandi to seeing the world grow and develop. It wasn't my first time in the office. You see I had been getting therapy for many years now since I was 16. You might think that was horrible but for someone like me that wanted to talk everything through it was essential to my well being. I had to pay someone with a brain to listen but I'd take it any day over the silent hell I had lived in at home. I shared everything. I spoke my thoughts and it helped me in so many ways. Today's session went a little differently since I was going to tell her how I had fought my way to victory over Luis. I knew once I told her I had revealed his plan all along she'd be so proud. WRONG. She was more worried that things could have gone very badly for me. I see her side of it. I also see that up to that point it was going badly the whole time and this was my life we were talking about. I had lived in fear for 2 whole years. I was willing to die for what I believed in, rather than hear how I had to keep some "boundary" up on him that WASN'T WORKING TO BEGIN WITH. I get uber frustrated with people when they say things like they understand the wager. The only way we can truly understand one another is to take the time to think about what it must be like to live everyday in fear that someone is going to get you. You have to want to make it stop at nothing, or nothing will stop it. Yes, I believe in miracles. I am not doubting the power of God to make it go away. I also believe he gives us life to live it to the fullest and that doesn't mean just in good times. On the contrary I believe he also wants us to live life to the fullest in bad times as well. I was trusting that my will to live over being devoured by a demon was stronger. I was right. My spirit devoured the demon that was inside of him and he wasn't ready to wager his own life for his evil cause. I on the other hand WAS willing to stand up and say....ENOUGH. I can still see the look on the counselor's face when I shared with her that when I told him it was time to fight to the death on this one, he spoke in an evil voice I had never heard before and called me names.....remember this guy came to tell me of his undying love but when I said no he began to name call.....um yeah where's that love you spoke of? So I explained to her that I had to stop giving in to his lies. I had to believe that this game would have gone on forever as it would have pushed my body and brain into decay. I said NO! Only then did he back away and leave. She was in panic mode because in therapy they never tell you to fight back, take your life back, don't give in, stand up and live for the first time in your life, don't allow anyone to steal your joy......No they tell you to settle and put up boundaries. Don't start any ruckus. Golly, I just don't know any situation where someone is being manipulated by another crazy person that not starting a ruckus and pushing back against the manipulation has them politely letting you alone and moving on to the next poor soul who will let them destroy their life!!! Here's my point. Therapy is just the place to begin to change your thinking. Your actions will need to change over time when you're given the chance to make new ones in life. It's very unfortunate that a bad situation has to arise to see if you are learning the new techniques, but we all go through that. You ultimately are walking with God each day in Prayer that He will over see you and protect you through His son Jesus Christ. That does not mean you won't have trials. That does not mean you will get everyone in your corner agreeing how you went about it. That does not mean the more counseling or therapy you get the less problems you will have. It means you have a place to see the truth. The truth does set us free, sometimes there is a fight, sometimes there's not. It will all depend on the life situation. I had beaten the demon in Luis but not even my counselor gave me a medal. Heck who was going to then. I mean seriously that was anti climatic for ya. She didn't need to live my life so I let her off the hook, that if it had been on her plate she might have made a different decision. We just went about things very differently. I learned that when you get to new levels in your head and your experience not everyone can relate. It takes time and true effort to really get in deep to how we feel when we go through certain trials and how that can relate to other people. I wanted to relate to people so I worked and still work hard to understand my feelings and thinking so I can explain my actions. I still feel a disconnect from others when it comes to talking through our problems or obstacles in life. I sense a feverish joy to get in deep while others feel put on the spot or trapped. I always wonder how that stressed out approach will change anything about the situation they are facing. Therapy could help that!!! All in all nothing was lost to go through the therapy to understand many different situations. I believe seeing the good and the bad helped me form a complex understanding and superior strength to your everyday life. I am grateful for such obstacles because it's what made me work harder to come to a life full of joy. No one can take that. I often look back over my life and feel peace. Yet writing out all the drama I have dredged through is clearly overwhelming for the average Joe. As I closed one of the darkest chapters in my book.......So I opened another one.