Old habits are hard to break.

They may be hard to break but they are not impossible to conquer. I was learning the hard way that no matter what new thing you put in front of your face, you still need to deal with what is not right for your life. I had made mistakes and I am grateful that I learned from them, but do not be confused about the fact that I needed guidance and support just like anyone. It was a hard road, taking steps even my own parents hadn't taken. I never heard their dreams about what they had wanted to be, on the contrary I heard how they had never achieved the dreams they had for themselves before they met. I do not need to unravel every yucky thing about that, but we do need to understand that it isn't easy to just take a step you've never actually seen or heard anyone take. If it was that easy to acquire information for our lives, we wouldn't need parents or schooling to learn what is basic essential needs. I was continually taking steps ahead without looking back and moving through life so quickly that often people would describe me as a bull in a china closet or "she moves at a thousand miles an hour". What does that stuff mean anyway? The people around me sensed something in me that they could only describe as a speed not a way of thinking. I have had few people that I could identify with which made it hard to trust people with my questions. I definitely didn't feel like my parents wanted me to achieve. We did not have family dinners where everyone sat down and talked about how we were going to be healthier, wealthier and wise by the following year(sigh). My dream conversations. I was trying to kick the Luis thing. I missed the drama on some level but didn't understand why. I was slowly peeling back the layers of my brain to reveal I liked controlling things. I thought if I could control his actions maybe he would notice life actually got better and choose to live like I did. Maybe he would even find God in the process because he wanted so badly to be with me. Not so much. That's just not how relationships work. I had no basis of information for what a REAL relationship looked like. All I had was the dysfunction that I had been raised in which allowed me to know what NOT to do. So why not try this route? I mean think about it. I wasn't trying to hide that he was messed up, or that he needed to change to find the Lord, I just wanted to see if you could really talk someone into changing. I crack up reading the words I type now because it's so trivial to think talking to someone could genuinely change them. THEY HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE. The key to understanding was that my loneliness was linked to my family tree. I did believe in God, had accepted salvation for my self and wanted to be a great person. Along the way I hit obstacles that revealed a lot of the trouble that I ran into was because we had made a mockery of God's design. We had not been accountable to submit to God's will in our lives or to be intentional about all things. More importantly the things we were hiding and not working on were things like food, debt, laziness, separation, silent treatment, disrespect, & lies. I could go on and on and on about what we were doing as a family but that's not the real point. It would not have mattered exactly what we were dealing with but how we went about it because we claimed CHRIST. I'm just glad that I was willing to take steps in the dark rather than stay in the wretchedness I could see clearly. I decided it would be better to go on without them than to ask them to change. I also learned along the way that even though I could make changes in my food choices, debt or how I conducted my everyday life, that does not mean anyone or everyone will come along and change with you, even if they can see it's helping you become a much happier person. I can still remember all the times that they would mock me for dating the wrong guy, but not speak on the subject that it takes time to learn what is the right guy, and how to behave like the right girl. It was always perplexing to me that you could pick on your own kin rather than build them up and teach them to come along side of one another and to hold each other in great reverence. I am still on that journey today. To reveal why we do things in our families that bring no good outcomes, and yet we seem to trudge on as if we can not see it.