Goal!

After Luis, what was there for me? I had just spent the last 2 years of my life trying to stay out of trouble with my job, parents, church, and boyfriend. I wasn't exactly hitting the goal I had for myself to be "AWESOME". On some level I was doing great. I just wasn't getting the pat on the back that I was. There was no getting around the issue of growing up and having to try my hand at not picking the right boyfriends, or doing everything there is to please your parents(there was no pleasing them). How about being perfect at cutting hair? I wasn't half bad actually. I managed to make enough people happy all the time that cutting hair was the easiest thing I did. Imagine.........right now standing behind a chair, a client coming in and you needing to make all their dreams come true by cutting on a round surface all in half an hour. Yes. That was the easiest thing in my life. Hmmmmm. I was missing something. Yes. A NEW GOAL. I always had in my mind goals to meet like, losing weight. No I lie. It was not to gain weight, while I was still trying to figure out how the heck you get this bulge off. Oh gosh, how did I get out of bed each day? There were other goals like to own a home, start my own salon... LOL Like I said I look back now and I was doing a pretty good job despite not having others around me be goal oriented. I was reaching for the surrealism. I was looking at tomorrow with rosy colored glasses. No I mean it, I really had rosy colored glasses. I needed more direction for my goal. It needed to be about finding the best "me". The goal of "me". Doesn't that sound nice? It isn't that easy to start or finish, I tell you. I really thought I had started to figure out that goal when I was dating. I started to feel differently about myself. You know what I'm talking about. Like I had something. I mean really something. I started to feel more alive and more able to push through anything because someone was there for me at the end of the day. Not always literally there but more in essence. I wasn't worthless. No not at all, it's just until I had a boyfriend I didn't feel like I was valuable. I felt not important. I didn't feel like I was made for something amazing based on what my family life had been like. I mean I had already pushed through the humdrum of the school years and picked my career even though my own mother didn't think I had it in me. I had then found a job and started to earn a fantastic income but not one person would tell me anything positive based on what I was accomplishing. I then began a journey to slough off the extra chub and no one even refilled my water bottle. (just a joke) What the heck world???? I then finally get some feed back from a boy that I'm not invisible and I can have what I want and it's all smoke and mirrors. Was it all for nothing to have a goal to be attractive (feel attractive) and get a boyfriend? No. I just didn't have it in the right frame of mind. I was still trying to fill all the gaps from my childhood with my young adult years and to explain it in laymen's terms they needed 2 different sets of understanding and valuable data to work synergistically. I was trying to grow without the right information in my brain. It's a little like growing a garden without all the nutrition in the soil. Oh you'll grow some things, but mostly weeds. I just needed the right nutrition for myself before I started filling in all the gaps with all the wrong goals. Life was a bitch. Excuse my honesty. My twenties belong in a novel. It's much better when read over a period of hours rather than lived one painful minute after painful minute over a period of ten years. Now there isn't enough money in the world to have me relive them. Isn't that the truth though. Once we've gone through something there isn't many of us who've had such an easy peezy ride. It's the reality of life. Living it once was E. nough. I am not complaining or venting. Rather a sharing of what the Goal of "me" has looked like over time. I managed to get through the break up with Luis relatively unharmed for the moment. More bruised. I now needed to focus on the future me. This girl needs a new goal. Sounds like a good time to buy a house.