THE DEVIL HAD MY GOLDEN TICKET

I had no idea what it was exactly that I had in front of asking God instead of myself. I didn't really know what a reeaal relationship looked like with the Sovereign God that created me with a true purpose. I mean come on who talks about this stuff???!!! I do, but I totally get it if you're not experiencing that. You will have SOMETHING that the Devil will use against you that will be your "Golden Ticket". He will be able to pull this out and draw you in once he figures out just exactly what it is that you suffer from feeling completely in control over. He will use it against you to harm you, and push you even further away from asking God to give you peace and understanding. I never felt like I could ask my parents together for peace and understanding, why would I then ask a God I couldn't see for it?? I talked to God very easily, it just got easier and easier to use my weakness against me the older I got. Considering my Golden ticket was "Lust". Since I so needed to be liked and desired by a man having a boyfriend is extremely dangerous in the sex category. I mean you can't hold out for very long when the one thing you have wanted your entire life was finally happening. You have to remember the attention I was getting wasn't bad, it wasn't perverse, it wasn't unnecessary. It was new. Had I had been encouraged my whole life to love myself completely including my body and how it looked, I wouldn't have been so overweight and needing assurance in a way that only a young man I was attracted to was giving me. Not everyone's parents know how to encourage you to be your best and walk the walk with you so that you know how to rely on God for all your other needs. I am NOT SAYING BECAUSE I'M CHRISTIAN THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE STRUGGLED WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. I'm saying it was my huge issue and strong hold in my life that made it easier to use against me because I had gone without it for so long. I was so hung up on wanting his beautiful body that I struggled to not allow him to push more and more and more. He would smell so good each time I was around him. He got into my veins. He was hooked to my life line that was flesh in the fullest. He could do anything he wanted with me because I wanted it so badly. I didn't have a boundary on him. He was my escape from the lie I was being fed my whole life. I wasn't worthy and No one was EVER going to love me. I was proving them ALL wrong. They were going to regret ever putting me in a corner (like Baby in Dirty Dancing it should never be done). I was going to find what I had been wondering about and wanting so badly to understand the way God had intended us to know. First Hand. Ha! I laugh back at my youth and how intensely wrong she was in the moment and yet I would change nothing about my life. I love every single lesson that I have learned along the way. I only wish I wouldn't of had to learn them the "Hard" way. Who am I kidding I learn everything the hard way. I decided I was sick of the secrecy on sex, I was tired of the hush hush, I was tired of the "we only get shamed at church for having sexual feelings or curiosities". Did you ever notice at church what was pushed imperatively to abstain, but why do we not address the issue of why it's so difficult??? Not just because it feels good or because it's what humans do, NO NO NO I mean real relating to the subject. Try truly understanding why we were all drawn to it in some way or another. Yes we are hardwired to have children that way and build families, but deeper more intellectual meaning behind sexual understanding. It goes way beyond looking sexy or feeling sexy. More intensely it connects you to your creator. He intentionally gave us our sexuality but no one talks about giving God the glory for feeling the need to understand it(at least not in my circle). I went ahead with moving forward with Luis. I wanted him to want me, but had no idea what I was going to let into my life by completely stripping down to the bare bones. I was completely naked and yet I was completely covered with God's protection. Things could have gone a lot differently as our relationship progressed but I was protected each and every time. I nearly died physically but I grew spiritually and I am forever grateful for giving my life to the Lord as a young child and then fully understanding what that meant when I was a young adult. I have a lot to tell you and I can't wait for you to understand what I went through isn't so far from what we all go through, I will just openly share mine.