Saturday, January 16, 2016

The ultimatum grenade blows

Lets picture the scene together. This is one of those moments that is monumental or life altering, but you don't know it yet. It was as if time slowed down and I could see what was coming. I had sat at the large table right inside the door where the rest of my family was, mind you my siblings are quite a bit younger than I, except my brother. I knew from the moment my father started questioning me I wasn't going to win the conversation. You get it. There wasn't a relationship at this table that REALLY trusted one another. They'd sell me like Joseph in a heart beat to get a raise in church leadership if ya know what I mean. (take note Joseph does save everyone's life in the end). Who was I kidding, they had a vendetta before I even got through the door. I sat there looking at my siblings listen to how I was being accused of some kind of sin against God, and all of humanity, not to mention myself. What the heck is wrong with these people? How have things turned around to make me out to be some wretched woman, not to mention my sisters and brother couldn't make themselves oatmeal correctly at this age, let alone understand any kind of rebellion like ditching curfew. I watched them sit there and stare at me like their eyes were blackened. They had lost all connection with me. Well....actually we never had any. I don't think my dad quite knew what he had gotten himself into, but he wasn't going to back down now. My mother isn't the kind of woman you come home to, curl up near and share the mushy gushies of lifelong dreams and the current adolescent dreaming that I was doing. She has a peculiar feel to her, there is a dead zone, a cold superficiality that is only explained by trying to get into deep conversation. You won't need long to figure out your only going to get so far before it replays and your right back to where you started from. I put it all together later in life that she had shut down during her own chilling childhood to preserve what sanity she had left! I operated out side of her understanding, so naturally she was always on the defensive- ready for war, life preservation you may say. I began to push back hard, I let them know very firmly that I wasn't doing anything wrong and I just needed my own space to grow. I had graduated beauty school and found a great job which was helping me expand, and I just needed my own thing after work to connect with friends and myself a little. Asking me to be home a half hour after I got off work just wasn't going to work for me. Anyone out there wincing? Waiting for the fist to come down or slap you across the face? Thank goodness I didn't get any physical abuse, just verbal on this one. Not the swearing kind, no, something much greater in form, the attack your existence kind, or character. This is the slice you down the middle moment my father had been waiting for. He told me that being out after dark as a young woman meant I was destroying my walk with God. I was furious cause he was just beating around the bush, Hell, he was taking a stroll around the bush. I said so you think I am having "SEX"?! I had said it. You could have heard a pin drop. My whole family except my mother who's head was down, weird, just stared at me like I had said the most horrible thing on the planet. I was never going to make it with these people. God made sex, we're all sexual beings, sex isn't perverse, but somehow it was being treated like Hell itself had mated with my soul, and I was never gonna make it to Heaven. My father said who knows what your doing, you have a boyfriend we don't know, you won't obey curfew so what are we supposed to think? Okay- now's the moment in my head where I am looking at this poor man like those are our only two options here? In for curfew or total slut? I had to let him down easy, it was clear we were not on the same page. He wasn't going to go for the "I don't want to turn out like you , so I don't come home line". I stated as clearly as could, "if I wanted to have sex, I could get it down by 9:30 pm no problem, nowadays sin can happen any hour of the day". He looked right at me as if he was in a far away land at this point. "If you can't obey our rules here, it's time you move out, pay your own way". My mothers head finally perked up, I guess he wasn't going by the playbook at this point. I loved how he added pay your own way. Don't you just hate the way parents always throw money in there like they have been adding up every cent they have ever spent on you since birth??? Like I asked to be here, what happened to the whole- we wanted children & you're a gift from GOD part???!!!! My mother started in on my father, she was furious that he said move out. I needed to get out of there. It hadn't gone their way and the choice was mine to make, so I just said quickly, I think you're right. I never knew in that moment how my life would change forever. I left the table and went upstairs to cry my eyes out because I had no money(so I thought) and I was going to have to live in my car and never shop again. Just those two thoughts alone kept me up all night wondering how I was going to get myself out of this place. I didn't have the kind of friends that I wanted to move in with and I surely couldn't take care of myself could I? Sunday seemed to go by quickly, I did the usual and went to church to see lots of people and to go to the gym. I dreaded that ride home because there was no staying out late that night, I wasn't going to push it. I got through the day but stayed away from everyone and knew this wasn't what I wanted in a family or home life. I didn't want any of this disconnect. For the record I hated it and the sooner I got out of there the better. Monday came unusually fast and there was no one more excited to go to work than me. I got ready so fast I made it to work a half hour earlier than usual. My boss worked Monday's in the morning and I would go in to help her plus it helped me build up my book. I thought I could act nonchalant but by the time I got through the door I began to cry. She was in the back room sitting at her desk with most of the lights off as usual to save on electric! We could grow mushrooms in our back office it was so dark. I sat down at the closest chair to her desk and looked at her with eyes that must have said "Help Me". She looked up at me and stopped what she was doing. She put her glasses down and said what is going on? I told her over the weekend my parents had told me I had to make a decision about living at home and obey the curfew or get out, not to mention the whole sex scandal I was supposedly a part of as well. She didn't hesitate to ask me if I WAS having sex, which is where I wanted to know what the heck is everyone drinking around here!!!!! No! I said I can't even look at myself getting out of the shower let alone GET NAKED WITH ANYBODY! I explained everything I could to her about how I was accused. I could not understand how two people on the planet could be so disconnected to their own child and accuse her of some deviant act against God. They didn't trust me and they didn't see any good in me. She looked up at me and said its time you move out anyway, you're a young woman who needs her own space. I flipped, with what money I said, I can't afford that!!! She asked me to hand her my checkbook, which was in my purse, but I said no. I knew it didn't have enough in there to move out so why bother. She said give it to me. She opened up the accounts book that was sitting on her desk and added up my last 4 checks and added up my deposits in my account and they matched. She said well, the problem isn't that you don't have enough money, it is what you spend your money on! I was actually surprised to hear this was achievable. She looked at me and said let's put you on a mock budget (wow, I had never had this kind of help before), we had all the normal bills with being on your own and had enough money left over for any emergencies. I had accomplished all that in just under 2 years?! She picked up the phone faster than I could put all the pieces together, and someone picked up on the other side. I heard her ask if any rooms were available at this time? She hung up and said #6 is available upstairs for rent, along with a parking spot under the building. Yep, you got it. The salon is located in huge building that happens to have apartments as well. She said lets go see it. So we met the janitor upstairs in an hour to walk through the place. My knees were shaking so badly, I thought there is no way I have the guts or know how to do all of this. As we opened the door to the apartment I could see into the large room in front of me it had cathedral ceilings and a small kitchen......I was hooked, not to mention 2 bedrooms and a washer dryer room with a full bathroom. What more could I want? I didn't even need to drive to work anymore! I could come in through the back door. I agreed and she was able to have him waive the security deposit since it was such short notice on moving. I moved in Friday. Those 4 days wouldn't get here fast enough. Who could forget dinner that night? I walked in the door more nervous than when I found out I was up there with Delilah. I said to myself now is as good a time as any, just spit it out. Everyone was at the table that night and I said " I've made my decision, I'm moving out.....I move Friday". They stopped, looked up at me and said nothing.......

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