I woke up.....physically

He knew that when I came to he had to convince me to be scared of him. I was. Not scared that he could kill me because when it comes right down to it people can kill people any hour of the day seven days a week 365 days a year. No, I was scared because it was entangled with my affection towards him and my desire to be loved by him that I wouldn't be able to disconnect the two. I mean c'mon we had already been making it work when he was on the drugs up until this point right?! WRONG! The bubble of deception that had been my life for the last few months was catching up to me. When you consider that nothing we were doing was what a real family would do; like seeing each other only on the weekends, then you understand that not being accountable to one another was an issue. I didn't know anyone who could verify who he was or what he was about. I didn't have anyone to call and ask what was going on in this guy's life. I mean, I knew a couple of his friends but I didn't have their cell phone numbers and we didn't have the kind of relationship where anyone could really vouch for who I was. I woke up shortly after I blacked out and he began to grab and push me around the whole apartment. The natural reaction is to allow the person harming you when you sleep with that person to see if it will stop on its own. When it didn't stop and it was continuing I began to fight back. I had pent up rage from the 3rd grade, mind you. Not to mention my parents could make a plastic doll want to cuss, I was going to let this guy know who he was messing with. I learned that lesson very quickly. I got the beating of my life. I was in a kind of pain I had never felt before. I was bruised of course, but I meant a spiritual blow like never before. I felt worthless. I felt so worthless. I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I didn't know what to do in that moment other than serve the immediate need to nurse the bruises. The inside bruise would have to wait. Not to mention NO ONE COULD KNOW ABOUT IT. What good could come from telling someone that my boyfriend beat me up when I confronted him on drugs. NO! NO! NO! I wasn't going there until I could figure out what was really going on. When those bags of drugs fell out of his wallet my whole life changed. I had learned how to survive chaos when I lived at home. I had learned to let people think everything was ok, when it wasn't ok, so I had that part handled. What I didn't have covered was how I was going to survive (literally) if this continued. I decided to control him in other ways and to counter initiate his love for me instead of the drug. I never said it was a good plan, but it was a start. The lesson that I have learned in this horrific scary time in my life is more important that any other part of my life. I didn't know it yet but this was going to be a long journey and I had just begun the tough part. I LEARNED TO MAKE HIM CRAVE ME. I wanted to replace the drug. I was going to replace the drug. I set out to stop his need to rely on drugs which all in all doesn't sound so bad. When you understand it is in place of him surrendering his life to Jesus and serving out his true purpose through Christ you will see how all plans devised to control someone will fail. Even if they are started in the best intentions to preserve the relationship. I meant well honestly, but I had to follow through on accountability for myself to see NOTHING can be true and right and Godly without full surrender to accountability. He needed to want to be better. He needed to want to love the Lord so he could love me. He needed to want to lose the drug habit and replace it with healthier options for stress and fear. At the time I don't think even I wanted all of that.