The Look on their faces.......

It's no secret there's some bittersweet memories associated with my childhood and young adult life....but none too great for me to sift through, re-file in my brain and move on. I'll never forget the look on my boss's face when I told her I quit. I believe in that moment she might have wanted to beg me to stay, but on some greater level she knew if she kept me I'd end up like her, and in some deeper desire to respect me more than herself she let me spread my wings. Not to mention she wasn't going to eat crow...it wasn't a particular dish she liked served. Knowing what I know now it was some of the greatest growing pains of my life. I didn't like the burning in my chest that I got when I walked into my room to pack up my stuff, but I wasn't going to eat crow either....I didn't have ketchup. ;) I knew I wasn't coming back, in my heart of hearts it wasn't the life I was looking for, my dreams were greater than the team. I still have that same feeling that the ceiling of my life isn't here yet and I refuse to give up on myself. It was like a bad 80's movie driving off into the sun as I approached my parent's house. I mean where else do you go to share your wounds other than the household who you have nothing in common with? You laugh but as I pulled into the driveway I asked myself how do you think this is going to go? These are the same people who threw you out because they "THOUGHT" you were being quote: Promiscuous unquote:. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.....I didn't have anyone else lined up to listen to what new hell I had managed to conjure up on a Friday. Did I get help on the matter? No....I got looks like I did most of the time. Like I had farted in church during prayer. I got the 20 questions act of do you know what you got yourself into? Do you have another job lined up? How are you going to survive? I DON'T KNOW MAYBE GO INTO FULL TIME PROSTITUTION??!! IT'S WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK I DO ANYWAY! I know my husband and I have talked about this so many times. Who has children to dream of the day when life has them down and you kick em? We can't wait to help our little guy become the best young man he can possibly be. We don't think that is easy of course, but because we are so sound of mind working out loud together at all times on any subject. Nothing is too great for us to handle. WOULD IT HAVE KILLED MY PARENTS TO FOCUS ON MY STRENGTHS BACK THEN? No. I think I would have fallen over actually! Once again just pointing out we didn't have the tools to leverage the team, to support each other, because we understood what we could do if we learned to see the best point of the situation and put our heads together to get the rest of it taken care of. I know it sounds easier than done because I've yet to see it mastered in my family. Sad really....because we all can be better than that. NOT WITHOUT ACCOUNTABILITY TO CHANGE. I looked at the face of my mother who til this day hasn't held a career path long enough to collect a dental plan. The stay at home mom thing didn't work out, she didn't like kids. The surreal dream of having a family came along with it's own baggage. It never really worked the way she wanted it to. I was too loud and opinionated and my brother was just as passive aggressive as she was, but wanted dinner and was sure to kiss up unlike my father so that worked for her. My other 2 sisters on deck really gave her a run for her money. My middle sister hasn't learned to see her own value yet and the youngest one requires a full time lawyer in the pocket just in case. Good times at family functions I know. Not such a big deal if you learn to see the irony in it that this is the mess we created. We could choose to clean it up at any time if we really wanted to. Don't go wasting valuable time feeling bad for us if you're not going to see the lesson involved. NOTHING IS TOO BIG FOR THE LORD. For humans that's another story. I left defending myself that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for my life to just happen but rather stand up for what I believe in and go get another job. Reluctantly I had involved them and now needed some sort of salve for my wound. I got salt water in return for spreading my new found hope around the table that currently served mediocrity Monday through Saturday. Sunday we served straight up "Pretend". Imagine our weekends like a lame Broadway show. It could have been so different in so many ways ten years ago. I was looking to my future to find that girl, the amazing hairstylist, the friend, the show-stopper, that girl. I thought after my mother used her skills to create a resume consisting of my babysitting to snack bar girl to retail barbie to small town beautician my life was going places. Until I took the first new job working for the "DEVIL'S NEW DO" right down the street from my last job. Let me preface with saying I am grateful for all of the wrong places to be because it taught me so much more about what is really out there, but don't get it twisted I didn't like the journey one bit. I needed a wake up call and I got it. Right before I had started working at "SATAN'S DAY SPA" I had started to spend a lot of time with an older man that I had met at the gym. I know you're thinking how much older? Older okay.....we'll get to details about that later. Let's just get this new beginning under way since it is my new job and I am going to change my life I can just feel it! I didn't like it very much, but wasn't going to tell anyone that because I had no one to bitch about it to anyway. I'm might be painting a very pale picture to some of you, but remember we are talking about me here and one thing you need to remember about my personality is I am independent so I wasn't focused on that so much as trying to learn what I could to stand out around here and move up the corporate volcano. The higher you go the hotter it gets. Ain't that the truth?! Ha! I laugh at myself back then. I went from being so comfortable at my last place that I was bored out of my mind to so scared to even blink for a minute that I might do something wrong or not make it. I snapped out of that real quick. I can read people like the "Everybody poops" book. It isn't pretty when I go all analytical on you. I began to really fight for my own style and space and I wanted to learn as much as I could from other people so I watched everything they did. I ate it up like a sweet new bag of cool ranch Dorito's. I learned so many new and exciting things in the midst of the most uninviting locations on the planet. Go me! I knew I should have been wrapped in bubble wrap for awhile because my brain was so fragile back then from not having a pastor hold me in a toddler chair, I wasn't sure how life would pan out since I had been winging it up until this point. Why the heck did I not have ANYONE telling or sharing with me how to find more joy, understanding and peace?????? Because in my small circle, and I mean small, they didn't have any to give. I only went more intensely towards the wrong things, including marrying the old guy as fast as I could. GASPS...GASPS...AND MORE GASPS...I know. I didn't say I was using the best part of my brain back then. Although the silver lining in this one is that I got him to marry me. Or is that not the silver lining? Ha! We both made a huge mistake jumping into such an awesome team created for us by God called marriage. We paid dearly for not having a support system of respect for ourselves and then those around us didn't have those gifts of the spirit either. Needless to say the roller coaster ride of a lifetime became my life for 2 years. We didn't make it because he tried to push me out of the cart and I wasn't having it. I had learned to be smarter along the way with what I shared with my family. I realized anything real, honest, bad, uncomfortable was left for trying shoes on in the mall and not so much my life and where it was headed. Plus who wants to jinx themselves for the 2nd time around when telling the mother who is so earnestly awaiting your mistakes. My life began to mirror image Cher's final final tour. No joke I adore her but someone had to tell her 7 final tours was a bit much. Spoiler alert there's more drama to follow but this kind of reality check is enough for one day. Don't ever forget that I know what it is like to have a failure chart a mile long. The only thing I stress is get it out as often as you can to consider how much you have been blessed, all the lessons to be learned and shared. Don't run from who you are and where you come from. Make sure to laminate that, you don't want to tear it while pulling it out of your pocket. ;)