Your not going to like it........but it's what happened.

To say that my life is boring is the understatement of the decade. I have lived a very dramatic life in such a small town. Not all of my own doing of course......No no...I mean because I am always uncovering someone's or something that has drama attached to it. It has been said drama follows me. Incorrect. Let me say this loud and clear. I CALL OUT DRAMA. There is a big difference. It doesn't follow me. I stop it in it's tracks. It's resting place is at my feet. Therefore the slow, irrational ones speaking always get this incorrect. Moving on to one of the most interesting times in my life was when I was dating the drug ridden co-dependent psychopath of my twenties. Don't sit there and gasp. They are all around us. This isn't as uncommon as some people would like to allow themselves to think. What I am most interested in was all the life lessons I came to learn through studying his movements and how difficult it was to outsmart him in the beginning. As time went on I got stronger and stronger and stronger. One of the underlying core values I have is once my mind is made up, I am willing to die for what I believe in. I was not willing to give anymore of my valuable young life to this guy who clearly didn't want to change and was going to kill my spirit "if" I let him. I will never forget the sound of that door at 2 am. My whole life I have been a light sleeper. I am one sound away from waking up and searching the room for any dark thing that might be lurking about. I sleep on a wooden box now so there is no way anything can crawl under my bed to later bite me in the middle of the night....That's a whole other blog!! I value sleep but I am completely aware if I am awakened and begin to feel a shiver down my spine, there is trouble on the horizon. I have had this kind of perception since I was a child and while it may seem to be a gift, it at times has felt like a curse. I am immediately begging God to intercede on my part. Given the time in my life and how young I was to be facing such a paralyzing helplessness for my own well being. This guy was going to stop at nothing. I had had the counseling, I had had the friends and family talks about how this guy is bad news. I had had the intervention with myself and said "self.....let this guy go." Do you understand you don't just break up with psycho's????? Try not to go all pragmatic on me if you have absolutely no basis for understanding here. Emotions do not help this situation, only facts. Until you've been through the trama of being followed, beaten, threatened, stalked, choked, tracked down to every place you go you have no idea what it is like to deal with one of these nitwits. No one is going to help you. Your on your own. You can try and set up the false sense of safety of 911 and family nearby or neighbors maybe hearing your cry for help, but who ya kiddin'? Your on your own. That morning changed my life forever. I knew when I heard the piercing door bell at 2 am my mind raced for a reason. WHO'S AT MY DOOR? WHY AM I AFRAID? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND I'M LITERALLY SHAKING FROM HEAD TO TOE. I thought about rolling back over and going to bed, but it would only happen and again. MY future wasn't safe. He was going to take over my life. Or so he thought. Bad move on his part. I decided it was my life or his that night. I didn't waste time going to the kitchen to get the biggest Knife I had. "The Butcher" you got it. This should work said my 23 year old self. Having never killed anyone before or even maimed them I had to go on what I thought would do the trick. I went to the peep hole looked out and there he was. LUIS. This guy was really starting to piss me off. I called through the door. (I was working up the guts to open up the door and go all kill bill on him) The thing that I can still recall is the feeling of being alone. Not spiritually alone. But alone. There wasn't one person who was going to help me. I was on my own. The choice 3 years prior in the dance club to allow this guy to consume me had come full circle. Now I was standing on the other side of my first house's door ready to open it up and kill this guy if I had to. I was sad, not that sad, I was sick of this petrifying fear he had put into my life. I was done shaking in my sleep, waking up in panic attacks, ducking into places before he could see me. It had to stop. The pfa's (protection from abuse orders) didn't work. He would find me no matter where I was. I could hear him breathing. He answered back in his latin buttery voice....."baby open the door it's me...I miss you". I answered back " You need to go and leave me alone or I'm calling the police." I didn't really know if I had the guts to call the police. This type of life just wasn't mine. He brought this to me....I didn't ask for it or want it. I had never ever ever wanted anyone to feel this way. I got angrier by the minute. He was testing my patience. He began to ring the door bell like he was running from a bear....Only 2 people in my life ring door bells that way....MY Father and Luis.....both this day do not spend time with me. One thing I detest is a man out of control. smh I was so afraid that my upstairs neighbors would wake up and call the police for such an alarming disturbance so early in the morning. I didn't want anyone to believe I thought this is the way life should be lived. I should probably preface I have a turbo switch in my brain. I can take alot, but once you have hit the breaking point.....back away slowly. What you are about to encounter is Laura" modern day demon slayer" I opened the door shiny butcher in hand. Raised like some thriller tv show from the 80's.....I had bad form but I ment every bit of it. He saw it and disregarded the huge shiny knife in my hand and pushed himself through the door. I held the knife back as not to nick him prior to him apologizing and leaving for good. No need for violence right???? ummmm.....wrong. He started this sob story about how much he loved me and needed me in his life. Remember we are not dating, he's stalking me and ruining my life. So I left the door open for him to see I didn't have plans to make up or take long with this unnecessary reunion. I remember talking to him with such intensity and density in my voice. I told him to get out and said I am no longer his toy or pet. I am willing to die tonight to be done. I said you either leave now.....Or I split your skull in two. It was like time slowed down. (que the matrix) I saw his eyes glaze over. He backed out of the door slowly and for the first time was making eye contact with the knife as if it could split his skull. He never looked more evil then the moment he last spoke to me...... His voice changed and his body stiffened up, more like sobered up. He no longer looked hopeless and needed me. He was someone else entirely. "You ungrateful cunt" is what he called me. His body oozed a darkness I knew had lingered deep within his body but now I was faced with it. I could hear the sound coming from his mouth but it wasn't the latin lover he had presented himself to be over the last 3 years. I had forced the Demon to the surface and he was looking me in the eye. I used the phrase then that I have come to love to use in situations like this. " You will never win, you do not serve my Creator God, He has already won the battle. Get Out" Some of you reading may be speechless, disoriented, be in a state of disbelief......it's always difficult to imagine the spiritual realm tickling your face. I was triumphant that night because I believed it was time for TRUTH to prevail. I have been in many spiritual battles since then and been able to talk through them very much the same. I faced the demon that lived inside of him that had made me his project to destroy. He was gaining ground until I decided to allow my FAITH TO STAND UP AND PUSH BACK AGAINST. I have had glimpses of God's power in my life and for all of you with your jaws open on the floor.....pick um up and move on. There's more to be thankful for in this story than to sit and worry about. Our God is an awesome God and HE reigns for ever and ever. My God conquers just by mentioning his name. That night changed the course of my life. I knew what it was going to take to get rid of these guys on the planet and for a moment I pictured the women across the country. Did they have what I have. A GOD SO BIG AND MIGHTY A FAITH THAT ALLOWS THEM TO PUSH THROUGH. I closed the door to my house differently that night. I walked back into the kitchen and put the knife back. I didn't need it after all. ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED IS GOD.

"Lust is that you"?

Growing through your 20's is hard. It's even harder when you do not realize the impact of the decisions you will be making in your future based on feelings. Sex, Lust, Control, Desire& Seduction comes from a sexual nature. Given to us by the creator and totally manipulated by the Devil. I am not making excuses for my less than classy behavior between the sheets. I am only painting the picture for you to be able to understand why it happens and why I have come to believe there's a fine line between us reading scripture then genuinely being able to carry it out WITHOUT making ANY mistakes or having chosen the wrong thing based purely on sin. Luis was a drug for me. His body oozed sex. He was so intensely beautiful naked that it was unreal.(I had nothing else to compare it to) For a young chubby thing like me that was incredible. I always knew I was different than the other girls at school. Since I was young as far back as I can remember I was the one getting in trouble at private school for bringing up the word sex, or talking about body parts when I wasn't supposed to. I laugh now. The writing was definitely on the wall that "Lust" was my kryptonite. I always liked the body builder guys and the muscular guys since I was little. I am drawn to the linear beauty and structure. I was never the Adam Levine type. Heck, I was the first girl in this area to put the "Rock" on the map as hottest celeb!(someone should be sending out royalties to me any day now). No matter where I was I was eyeing up the boys and so far from reach because of my own insecurities and obvious obstacles. I needed to have the chills go down my spine when they looked at me. I looked for that rush similar to picking out a fresh donut to chomp into at a local bakery. I thought I'd never get the guy that I was into to be into me and when it happened something else encrypted on me as well. "Lust". It is strong. It is a drug. It will devour you if you do not turn it over to God. I was so young. I don't beat myself up about the decade of debachaury . It's easy to look back now and see how easy it was to fall into it. The harder thing to manage is the young people in this world who continually fall into this pit fall of finding love through all the wrong doors. Even though I had gone to counseling it doesn't take away the work that needs to be done once life starts hitting you full force again the minute you leave the counselors office. It's hard to fight the urges to be seduced by the person your attracted to. When they are kissing you and touching you in a way that allows confusion to the brain, you have to be able to think your way out of it. The feeling is great but the actions lead to consequences that force you to go deeper into your brain to discover the truth about how we are to interact with the creator God. His desire to allow us to fight back against the smoke and mirrors game is intense. He can get us through anything we want to change and fight back against the destruction that is so rampant in our society. Saying no to Luis's touch was extremely hard. He was so lost and I knew I could help him. I wanted to show him a life that was awesome and amazing, but he was too far into drugs and so spent from his childhood with no parents caring for him and taking care of him. I was always in a superficial relationship with him. I wanted to go deeper with him but in the years we were together we never managed to get past the sexual attraction and the natural independence we had from one another. He didn't really need me and I sure as heck didn't NEED HIM. I wanted him. That feeling from the very beginning haunted me like a nightmare. The unnatural wanting of another person is dangerous and can lead to crazy girl syndrome. I would answer calls, answer texts, listen to messages and allow him to show back up in my life like a bad habit. It had to come to a stop, it was becoming clear that there was no controlling how he was treating me. Once we separated and I bought my house I thought the calls and constant clammer would stop. Luis always finds a way to get what he wants. It was what the drugs did to him. He found me following me home one night after work and decided to come back early in the morning. 2am in the morning. Nothing good happens at 2 am. when the doorbell rings......

Time Travel>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Let's travel 15 years into the future! Boom......were here. I sit in the same living room as I type out this blog and can also see the young woman that I was at the time of purchasing this place. What a gift to have been able to achieve such a wonderfully small place to call my own. I have had so many great memories here that the few bad ones just fade into the dust. I love this house so much! Not so much because it's extravagant, rather because it is simplistic. It is enough. It is just right. I can't explain the contentment. It's ability to hold me safe at night, be close to all things me and yet still fit my style and continual need to change. My condo was going to be this sweet consistent tool for my life very much like my spiritual walk. Always here, always growing, changing and helping others do the same. It is an extension of me. You have to be able to get outside of any comfort zone to really understand why I can compare my faith to an actual item or space in my human life. This home represents the faith that I have as a woman. This home from the moment you arrive is set up in a way to give life, love, laughter and a bit of elegance among the status quo that is right outside. My streets are lined with the most beautiful of trees and each driveway carefully placed outside each home. Each night when I drive home from work exhausted and hangry, I am just minutes from my sweet little escape. I have loved sharing this story with so many people over the years. It's connection to me isn't like most considering it was bought at such a young age of 21 and single. It's more of me than anyone else that comes into it, but just like me, anything I have is open. I always want people to feel comfortable and welcome when they come into my house. I have felt the other side of being unwelcome and uncomfortable the entire time I was growing up or how my ex controlled how long people stayed because he couldn't let anyone in. The journey to reveal who I wanted to be started very young for me. 17 choosing my career and then moving out at 18, then buying my first house at the age of 21. Life was going so quickly. I loved every minute of it. Yet I still have this little piece of property and am as content as can be. My husband and I now have goals that include this condo one day being rented, but never sold. Never thrown away. I would never sell this place. It is not a stepping stone, rather part of the whole picture. When you have no regrets you can understand everything in your life is for a reason. If a painter were to paint my life some of the most beautiful parts would be the dark areas. Where the black and shadows change the way a person sees the Light and all it's reflection! See without it you can't understand the beauty in it's entirety. Before I knew it I was in my house and loving every minute of it. I enjoyed the hustle bustle of everyday. I knew then I was a person of structure. I love to be in control of my environment. I can arrange and rearrange and tidy and nap and just "be". It really is great when you understand your single life is as good as it gets when you're not in a relationship. You need to know who that person is before you can really represent yourself in a healthy way, and know your boundaries. It was tough for me in the beginning with my relationships because as much as I love to be single I also love to be in a relationship. Go figure. I'm a go either way. The real issue is my love language is words of affirmation and quality conversation. Since I had been neglected as a young girl and woman when it came time and of age to be able to really gauge that for myself I longed for it. I always was and am still looking for those words to see if people see what I see. The greatness that I see in life, my career and myself. For years I starved for any nurturing at all. So once I was in a position to be in a relationship I took it. Luis was someone I thought I'd never achieve. From chubby conervative to fashion forward Designer was a huge change. I was much safer in my own environment, but not for long. As is and you will see throughout the blog. The minute I settle in, someone is right around the corner waiting to ruffle my feathers.

let's be honest

I try to be honest. I mean I am honest to a fault my husband says. I have this desire to search for truth and be apart of people who tell the truth. I just love looking back on my life and sharing what was running through my head and why I so desire to share it. It shouldn't surprise you that I loved being on my own unless you have the information that I was afraid of the dark my entire childhood. The dark symbolizes a lot of things wicked or evil, nothing usually good let's put it that way. I was always so sensitive and still am til this day. So you might think I would never make it on my own. That's where the truth comes in. The truth is(based on multiple experiences throughout my life) that when you choose to love yourself and give that glory to the creator God most high, you can create an environment that has the Holy Spirit running through it. This does not mean that there won't be mistakes, sin, obstacles you get my drift. What I'm saying is you have to take into consideration that the real "Heart" of the home is where the warm and inviting nature comes in. I never felt like when I was growing up we could take anyone inside and talk to them about whatever they were going through without a judgement of what we really thought once they left. I am not naive in thinking that people don't talk.

Old habits are hard to break.

They may be hard to break but they are not impossible to conquer. I was learning the hard way that no matter what new thing you put in front of your face, you still need to deal with what is not right for your life. I had made mistakes and I am grateful that I learned from them, but do not be confused about the fact that I needed guidance and support just like anyone. It was a hard road, taking steps even my own parents hadn't taken. I never heard their dreams about what they had wanted to be, on the contrary I heard how they had never achieved the dreams they had for themselves before they met. I do not need to unravel every yucky thing about that, but we do need to understand that it isn't easy to just take a step you've never actually seen or heard anyone take. If it was that easy to acquire information for our lives, we wouldn't need parents or schooling to learn what is basic essential needs. I was continually taking steps ahead without looking back and moving through life so quickly that often people would describe me as a bull in a china closet or "she moves at a thousand miles an hour". What does that stuff mean anyway? The people around me sensed something in me that they could only describe as a speed not a way of thinking. I have had few people that I could identify with which made it hard to trust people with my questions. I definitely didn't feel like my parents wanted me to achieve. We did not have family dinners where everyone sat down and talked about how we were going to be healthier, wealthier and wise by the following year(sigh). My dream conversations. I was trying to kick the Luis thing. I missed the drama on some level but didn't understand why. I was slowly peeling back the layers of my brain to reveal I liked controlling things. I thought if I could control his actions maybe he would notice life actually got better and choose to live like I did. Maybe he would even find God in the process because he wanted so badly to be with me. Not so much. That's just not how relationships work. I had no basis of information for what a REAL relationship looked like. All I had was the dysfunction that I had been raised in which allowed me to know what NOT to do. So why not try this route? I mean think about it. I wasn't trying to hide that he was messed up, or that he needed to change to find the Lord, I just wanted to see if you could really talk someone into changing. I crack up reading the words I type now because it's so trivial to think talking to someone could genuinely change them. THEY HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE. The key to understanding was that my loneliness was linked to my family tree. I did believe in God, had accepted salvation for my self and wanted to be a great person. Along the way I hit obstacles that revealed a lot of the trouble that I ran into was because we had made a mockery of God's design. We had not been accountable to submit to God's will in our lives or to be intentional about all things. More importantly the things we were hiding and not working on were things like food, debt, laziness, separation, silent treatment, disrespect, & lies. I could go on and on and on about what we were doing as a family but that's not the real point. It would not have mattered exactly what we were dealing with but how we went about it because we claimed CHRIST. I'm just glad that I was willing to take steps in the dark rather than stay in the wretchedness I could see clearly. I decided it would be better to go on without them than to ask them to change. I also learned along the way that even though I could make changes in my food choices, debt or how I conducted my everyday life, that does not mean anyone or everyone will come along and change with you, even if they can see it's helping you become a much happier person. I can still remember all the times that they would mock me for dating the wrong guy, but not speak on the subject that it takes time to learn what is the right guy, and how to behave like the right girl. It was always perplexing to me that you could pick on your own kin rather than build them up and teach them to come along side of one another and to hold each other in great reverence. I am still on that journey today. To reveal why we do things in our families that bring no good outcomes, and yet we seem to trudge on as if we can not see it.

Welcome mat

I'd like to think the welcome mat at one time meant just that. Welcome. I was a bit naive in thinking that once you move into a home that everyone you know will rush to see what success has become you. Not so much. Was it that I was young? A good five years ahead of my peer group didn't help any. I had managed to welcome people right out of my life. It wasn't that I tried it or anything. I just naturally learned to be independent from others. I never even thought it could be that I was an oldest child or that my job created an independent thinking in me. I had to stand behind the chair and help lead another person down a road of style and definition. I loved that my work had me surrounded by people all day long, that when it came time to come home, peace and quiet was all I needed. I really only made friends at the gym I went to. It was great to go and connect with people there that had a common interest with me to keep their chub in check. I was still on the path to defining my shape. I went every day to unwind and see the cute boys. No lie there, I was a goner when it came to muscles. The only thing I think I had in comparison was my love for Pizza. Go figure. I was always beaming when I walked through the doors. I was so eager to become someone and to change my life. It was written right on my sleeve. I was always chatty at the door where you checked in and soon became friends with the managers. I would soon learn I had a fond interest in the step classes. I would fly across those steps like I was meant for dancing. It was intense to hear everyone's feet hitting the floor and to see us all glistening from the sweat running down our faces. You were soaked by the time you were done. You worked out every bit of stress a girl could have by the end of class. I loved the high you got from pushing yourself. It was an incredible feeling to be a part of something outside of work. It was great we were all welcome to be right beside each other. It wasn't like we all knew one another like best friends, but it didn't matter. We came there to have fun and that's what we did. I still long for that part of society to catch up with the rest of the world. The kind of welcome that we have when we all have something in common. We create our own kind of families that learn to have fun in a room full of different expectations. It was an incredible part of my life and I'll never forget how I felt. I wanted that feeling to be something that I gave to others every day for the rest of my life. I didn't always manage this. in part due to the fact that I hadn't factored in the haters that would almost make it impossible for me to give my best. I guess I was under the assumption that everyone would "welcome" me. I was going to learn the hard way that was not the case. I hadn't learned yet that I was going to have to make them feel welcome first. I have this intense personality that leaves one of two options. Love me or Hate me. Take your pick. Don't worry, over the years I've learned to harness that intensity and on some level accept that it's who I am. I just had this rosy colored outlook that if I was welcoming that people would be welcoming back. I have come to understand that my belief and faith in Jesus Christ had set me apart from others. Oh! Not on the sin level or anything. No I was just as much a sinner as everyone else. I mean in a bigger picture sort of way. I saw and still see life as welcoming. I am still desiring every day to be pleasant and super friendly to everyone I meet. I just believe that my ability to feel the presence of God allows me to understand my value in life isn't hinged on what things we have in this life rather who we spend it with and how. People have always been the most important thing to me. As my journey would continue and still does today, I would come to understand that my ability to talk to anyone would then have me witnessing one on one with people on a daily basis. I am still searching for that perfect world where everyone's welcome mat means just that. WELCOME.

house or home?

A house is a structure of walls, a home is what lives inside those walls. I was looking for something special when I bought my house. I eventually wanted to turn it into a home with laughter inside of it and love growing in it each and every day. I had a long way to go considering that I had grown up in a home where the attitude was to persuade the people who entered that we were great people that had everything together. BUNK. My parents had a hard time allowing people to see the truth. They assumed that if people saw what we were struggling with then they would think poorly of us. We rarely remained friends with people for too long because we couldn't let anyone in. My parents hadn't cultivated a relationship where there was much in common other than remaining alive for the day and where those people chose to rest their heads after said day. The address was what made them victim to the same environment each and every day. I swore to myself I would not create such a place for me to rest at the end of each long day and call it a "HOME". MORE LIKE A HELL HOLE IF YOU ASK ME. There's nothing worse than being a victim to a place where no one believes in the power of working things out. I started out with just one kitty cat in my new place so there wasn't an abundance of life running around, and since I didn't have much furniture there wasn't much to piss on & destroy while I was at work. My cat hadn't been neutered and was still able to mark his territory. He didn't like it too much that I wasn't home much. Little did he know that was my life from here on out. As a stylist there's never much time at home at all. You're always meeting the need of someone else above your own. I am an extreme people person and desire to make people feel good and most importantly feel like they can open up and talk any thing through. It's special to do someone's hair and all the while talk life and work it through to another level of intimacy in the community. But....when I came home there was something that I wanted. Something I wanted to discover, to be a part of and maybe that was family, maybe it was that I really needed a roommate or even that I needed to be able to be home without any expectation of my own about what it should be or feel like. The minute you get in your head that you need something money is bound to be spent, maybe not in large lump sums, but spent. I wasn't strong enough to fight the urge to walk around the local Walmart at the other end of town, after work late at night and gather up whatever I thought I needed to make things work at home for me. I started to rack up debt on my credit card that I had and soon it became my go to piece to swipe out of my purse to cover the needs I had. I was always aware just how much I was putting on credit and every time I used it, it hurt inside where no one else could see. It never kept me from using it. I can remember buying shoes for the gym on it and swiping the $165 for the white Nike shocks that I thought I so needed to be cool and uber workouty at my gym later that week. I ended up paying 7 times what I paid for them originally when it was all said and done 5 years later when I wanted to pay my credit card off and never again own one. Yes, you saw it correctly. In a total of 5 years I had managed to rack up debt that had accumulated to $10,000 at 30% interest each pay period. The interest kept growing as the total had not been added to. I was racking up debt to the tune of $250 a month. Some people don't pay that for a car payment. I was sunk. Or it felt like it. I was putting things on my credit card that I did not need to survive yet I continued to purchase them anyway. This is the time in my life that I wish I had saved that money and just learned to understand not all feelings needed to be acted on, rather I should have tried to fill that void with giving back instead of finding more trouble for myself. I began to feel connected to the spending, as if it was a part of me. I needed to go back into counseling to figure out what exactly was my issue with my choices. I naturally paid cash for my counseling visits and asked her what could make a girl like me, that was so head strong, struggle to make the right choices when I could see the outcome so clearly in my head??? I wanted the rational side of things to be stronger than the emotional side of things. I wanted to act in a way that allowed me to be in control of my choices. I wanted to behave in a way where men and money were not my go to. I would eventually beat the battle of the debt and men but it wouldn't be for a few more years. I would learn in the end to control my spending and to not act on every urge I had just because my age was telling me I had interest to buy things. I value now not purchasing everything I see or pick up. At the time it was par for the course to learn my behavior was coming from a side of me that had not been mentored or developed to see all the choices and all the consequences. I am grateful for the hardships I was going through because they have made me the women I am today. I just wish I would have been able to discover her before the consequence of $1500 payments a month on my debt became my reality......

Work Harder

I had learned to work harder but not smarter. I was unable to gather the intensity I had in my personality to understand I did not need to work harder. I needed to work smarter. The same remains true today as I run my own business and love doing so. I enjoy the time I get to spend with my clients and I love to do hair. I always have. I just needed to learn the lesson that I was going to have to work much much much more intentionally NOT to just work. I needed to also include in my growing up process that I had to learn not to spend. The spending was what was continually causing me to need to work. YOU can laugh but that's our society today as a whole. We want things so we buy them and then we become victims to not having large sums of money saved to retire on. Now why is it so hard to turn off the desire to buy? That's easy enough to answer. It is what our faith is based on. When we are on a tough journey especially in our 20's we are trying to define ourselves through work and things. It is difficult to turn all of that off to worship a Christ we have never seen. I am not giving myself any excuses. I am just totally aware of what was happening to me back then. I was having a difficult time learning how important it was not to "want" things. I wish I could have applied the same innocent fear of running out of money to myself at an older age. I knew better when I first moved out. I had nothing to compare it to. The minute I stepped outside of my parents rule I had to learn that I had to come with the money to survive. So I didn't NEED so much then. I just needed the basics. I can actually survive on less. I am more content on less. I was coming into an age where those innocent feelings were no longer what was the strongest. In my experience by the time I bought my house I had 3 years under my belt to see I hadn't run out of money and I was always able to work harder and make more. I haven't run out since. I was always able to catch my buying habits with cash. If there is one lesson I could teach my younger self it would be to save half of what I actually spent. I would go back and reason with her and explain to her that even though she felt something, it would have been better to figure out another way to acquire the things I wanted without spending so much money. I am not angry that I was that kind of young woman back then. I am not bitter over the money I have spent even when I shouldn't have. I am not embarrassed about the things I did incorrectly. I am accepting of those things and I have chosen to live differently now. I am very much aware there was so much learning on my end that hadn't happened yet. It was going to take me a few years before I realized my spending was linked to the lessons I wasn't taught as a child or teenager. I was still trying to find out whether or not those "things" really mattered at all. As you will learn spending money is easier than NOT spending money. WHY? I mean if we are really in control of what we are doing then why is it much harder to go without? Here pivots a huge changing point in my life where I learned I was not at a place to go without. I racked up debt on a credit card because not having "things" in my life was more important to me than paying for it with cash. I needed to learn a hard lesson that the only thing I ever truly needed was Jesus.

"DEBT"

I had started out the first couple years of my life not using anything but cash....cold hard cash. When I had moved into the apartment in our nearby town I put a couch set and coffee table on layaway where they allowed me to make $19 payments on them until I had paid it in full. I mean let that sink in a bit. I made payments while sitting on the floor or just using my bed as a way to have a table. I realized early on that everything in a house makes sense when a family is in the HOME. I was just one person always working and didn't really have time to invest yet in having people over. I had paid everything off, and moved my furniture in to my apartment just a few short months later and it was perfect. SO what happened when I bought my house? I guess you could say the age old tale of "everyone's doing it" set in. I was 21 years old with the rest of my life ahead of me. I mean what could possibly go wrong? I wasn't married yet, I didn't even have a roommate to live with, I wasn't sharing any responsibilities. I was handling it all on my own. I had no idea the thought process would change as I got older and expected myself to have things I hadn't actually earned yet. The undertone of "things" in our lives is hard to fight when you have nothing left to hold onto. I didn't have the family strength behind me pushing me to be better, if anything I had the grumbling of when is she going to fail and run home to beg to be taken back. WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER. I have learned so much over the years about what "DEBT" is and what it isn't. It mirror images where your relationship with the Lord really is. It has taken on many faces throughout the years but one thing remains true. If you allow it in your life it will change everything. If you accept the challenge to face your wants and needs with money you will be a happier person in the end. EVERY DOLLAR YOU SPEND IS A DECISION YOU MADE, IT DOES NOTHING WITHOUT YOUR SAY SO. I moved into the cutest neighborhood around town. I have an eye for what is and what is to come. I can see the surrounding elements and know it will be the prime location. I chose wisely. 15 years later where I live is almost impossible to buy into. It's the prime location. I wanted my place to look like how I felt inside. I wanted my sanctuary to be the kind of place anyone could come into and feel like they were welcome. I let people's perception of me get in the way of making the best decisions for my life. I decided to put things on a credit card instead of paying CASH. I had to go down this road to understand what types of changes can happen when you decide to spend money you do not have for items you don't necessarily need. Like a new pair of Nike's, a blanket or wicker hamper set. You laugh but spending $100's here and there adds up and at the end of a month you don't have enough money to pay the bills and the debt on the credit card. I wasn't good at managing what I was making. I thought I could just earn more money and pay it off in the long run. It's not far off from what most people think like today. I wasn't unaware that earlier in my life when I was just starting out I was much more in control of what I really needed versus what I wanted. I was careful in the beginning and now I hadn't become careless as to how much I wanted and why. It's the intention to always be in control of what you're spending and what you're making because you care to control your appetite for greed. I wasn't walking with God in a tangible way. I was more interested in controlling things my own way, hoping my age and relationships in the future could help undo anything I had not been in control of. How stupid. I mean come on, let's get real here. I was hoping to become a woman who would be in control of her debt while also being the woman who had made the decisions about accumulating the debt and then miraculously find my new, in control self????? It's not that silly considering that isn't that what we all do when we throw caution to the wind? Or what we're really saying is the debt is not ours to control, to payback, to accept, to manage, or to wipe out. Then who's responsibility is it? See I was learning a very valuable lesson at a young age. If it was so easy to just not put things on a credit card it would be the same as cutting the card up and not allowing it to exist in your purse to begin with. It would be wiser to say save the money first then see if the desire or more importantly the need is still there when the time comes you're able to purchase it. At the age of 21 you're not interested in patience or waiting to see if that desire is selfish or greedy. It's a time in your life where it is extremely hard to be in control and wanting for nothing. I am grateful to have gone through so many different facets of money in the 3 decades I've been alive, and I'll go through more until my last breath. The story doesn't end there. It was a long 2 years of buying what ever I wanted and doing exactly what I wanted while slowly climbing the debt ladder to my credit card limit line. Some of you do not know where the limit is and the card will allow you to believe you have a "LIMIT" that is preset for your life existence. No. The limit is a lie. It will devour you. While you try to pay down what you've already spent and bought that is long gone and used up, your new day desires and requirements will continue to nag at you. You will need to be in control of your money over night while paying back years of unwarranted spending. It doesn't get easier until you decide to turn off the lie.

First time home buyer

I can see it in my head now.....the moment when I realized there was a new condo development going in on one of the main drags near my hometown. It was a road I knew well and I wanted so badly to live in a location that wasn't over top of the salon anymore. People think it is great when you're in a service industry to be so close to your workplace but I was finding it can also lead to more issues with boundaries. You're always expected to work if you're that close. There's no separation from your job and it was time for another change in my life. I was good at talking to my father if my timing was right.(What I really mean is when my mother wasn't in the same room) I approached him about helping me try my hand at home ownership, remember this is the same man who didn't want me to move into an apartment. I was desperate for a sounding board to help me with direction. I hadn't saved enough money but I did own my car and it was worth $40,000 so they let me check out one of their smaller models on the ground floor of the development. I fell in love. I instantly knew it was a great place for me to live and I just lucked out that one of the corner units was available. I started to dream big and just had to work harder at moving on with my life now that Luis wasn't around to influence me in any way. I guess I sort of always knew I was a mover and a shaker. I mean I always need something to be focusing on or doing to feel like I'm worth something. It doesn't really matter to me what I'm doing as long as it is something to reach for. It never fails with me if it isn't a boy it's a project. I had my parents help on this one oddly enough, they lent me money to get started with my house and I needed it. This was one of those moments where God allows people into your life to help take you to your next level of your life journey. It wasn't so much that my parents "wanted" this for me but they didn't stand in my way. It was refreshing to say the least. I've had a lot of people share with me that I was always the type who seemed likely to move away from home. I don't seem to fit the mindset of the people around me. I never thought about leaving just putting distance between me and the obscene amount of control. I wanted to serve my hometown. I never wanted to leave and give up. I was and am a stone's throw away and yet it can be like I am 50 states away. I found out very quickly I had nothing in common with the family I was born into. I mean how does that happen? I had a feeling it was because our identity was in portraying a picture we hadn't actually drawn. We were so into making it look like everything was okay that it became overwhelming to let anything real come in. We still don't know how to deal with insecurities. I was finding out that although I loved projects, it didn't keep me from finding new levels of my own insecurities. I had more layers to uncover in myself and learn to develop new ways of dealing with fears and how to approach them. I didn't have the help from my parents because neither one of them knew what it was like to buy a home all by yourself. I think back now and the jealousy and almost bizarre disconnection my mother had to me since the day I signed the papers gives me a keen insight to how hard life must have been for her. Every step I was taking she had no idea what it was like or what it felt like and that left an even bigger hole between us. It seemed the gap was getting bigger between my parents and I and there was no turning back.