Abuse

Abuse is a funny thing. It isn't something you go around asking for. It also isn't something you go around inspecting on every person you meet either. The abuse I was facing was so different than the abuse I HHAADD been experiencing at home that it was so hard to kick. It wasn't going to be the last time I faced abuse but it was part of the journey to identifying what I had to do when it came into my life. I had first experienced a cold shouldered, "we're too busy" kind of love at home growing up. The kind of mundane "take what's left over from me" kind of things. My mother was surviving the day barely getting ready by the time my dad was coming home, to my father so worn out and beaten up at work that it was too hard to invest what little of himself he had left considering my mother's lackadaisical "who knows what she's pissed at today" mentality would chip away at what he had left. No biggie we all adjusted to that kind of lifestyle we didn't show at church on Sunday morning's. Oh no... we left that madness in the car with unpaid bills and a granola bar. Ha! (child obesity humor) I had honestly shown that abuse who's boss by getting the heck out of dodge and moving into another town with my own apartment and a car that would drive my chubby butt whenever I needed to get away from them. So why all the trouble now. It was different. I was being held and coddled and wanted all the while controlled and told what to do...........and last but not least beaten. I have to say it brought out a fury in me that had never hit my veins before. It made me firecrackin mad. I wanted to lash out but when the beatings began you do nothing but stare into the room as if "is this nightmare really happening"? Yes. I admit I gave in a little. It was such an intense rush to be in a fight where you could lash back at the person. If I had to do it all over again I would just call the police and be done with it. That is now, not then when I was learning for the first time NO ONE IS PREPARED FOR BATTLE IN A RELATIONSHIP. There is no default code in your brain to just "go with it" when all Hell is breaking loose around you. You have to be taught in ALL situations what to do or you're breaking that ground for yourself. I was there. I was in the mess and needed to figure out what does a person do when the person you love snaps and begins to be the abuser. Think about the fact that you love that person. The moment when all things are happening and you can't control them you NEVER could control them. It becomes the sick twisted game of "do not make them mad". UM impossible. You are never in control of another person as long as you live so never forget that. It isn't easy to understand when the guy you were dating and making plans of a life decides to start strangling you and beating you until you black out. It all stemmed from knowing too much. I knew that he did the drugs now and he couldn't hide it. My intense nature and spirit has been brewing into an all out "MODERN DAY DEMON SLAYER" for quite some time. I needed to go through the process in my own brain to collect the data I needed to understand what I was really dealing with. It isn't as simple as calling them up (texting nowadays)."Hey this new thing we got going on isn't really working for me, so I was thinking if we just call it quits here on a Monday maybe by the weekend you could line up a new broad for your punching bag.....(enter the corresponding emoji)" You don't need to be alarmed. It isn't the end of the world that we come upon people who steal your lunch money, your sanity, and the hairs upon your sweet head. No. We need to be understanding what we are dealing with. The wretched spirits that run amuck in this world get in and destroy thought. They take away and devour everything worth nurturing in a person. I wasn't going through anything for the first time ever in the world. Just the first time in MY world. I needed to gain ground with my own decisions. I needed more help and that's what I got. I needed to go back to the counseling. I couldn't tell my parents. They already fought over what we were going to keep a secret this week in the family tree. Honestly I wasn't getting anything but solid dysfunction no matter what direction I looked. I kept it a secret at work because let's face it what American do you know that lives in real time working on real issues with real accountability and a real plan of action. I can name none. I needed to sit in an office and talk it out with one other person so I could see my words come to life. I didn't know how to shake this guy and the feelings I seemingly still had for him. I look back now and shake my head when I think of how powerful lust is and how it can keep young people's head underwater. You will drown yourself in your own choices if you continue on the path I was on. I was waking up every day thinking to myself how did I get here. I let it in. I just didn't ask for the abuse by name like steak sauce at a restaurant (they only ever have ketchup handy). I didn't know that when we started dating that the abuse he had had as a child was going to come in like a wrecking ball and destroy every little bit of Hannah Montana I had left.

Awareness.

It's so lacking in our culture as a whole, how one person can change an entire town and it's way of thinking and doing. One of the most important attributes a person can have is "awareness" of their total body, mind, and soul. Where do you get it? Where do you take it? How do you cultivate it to become a tool in every day's journey? I was becoming aware of who I was even though things were subpar in my family and my boyfriend was clearly a crackhead (oh yeah, and abusive). Small hurdles you might say in a young girl's life! I didn't have a clue about my body from my parents because they avoided the mirror at all costs. I didn't know how to feed my body well, get enough nutrients in AND sustain energy. I was learning though there was something to this body thing. I mean going to the gym put a new stamp on awareness for me. I was standing in front of mirrors all day long but at the gym I got a glimpse of what EVERY part looked like whether I liked it or not. WAIT! Why didn't I like it? I had had no control over my body for so many years by the age of 12 I was a hopeless chubby cause. No one took any pity on me because let's face it, my outspoken parents (really just my father, my mother was more of the silent treatment) were self righteous chubbies themselves. No one was going to rescue the first born. Ugh. I was in the fast lane to change. I wasn't going to have my coffin door shut by a crane. I refused to give up on myself even if the rest of the crew had taken bets on how long I would last refusing the counsel of the God-Given-Parents. I know it was hard, but it wasn't impossible to fight for myself. I didn't like being alone but it didn't stop me from loving myself enough to glimpse into the mirror all the way to the floor so I could not just be "aware", but "accountable". I was going to be accountable to all the choices I had made up until that point no matter what. Even if it killed me. How much of our lives are run by the lack of awareness? I was gobbled up by all the insanity that was around me yet everyone continued on the path as if it's outcome was going to be different for them than anyone else who had gone ahead of them. I wasn't going to be broken over Luis and how he was treating me. I was allowing it. I wasn't sure just yet Why? I was having a hard time understanding my whole body. The more I became aware of the physical feeling I was getting by being around him, there was the unspoken mental feeling I was getting. I was becoming aware of what was going through my mind. I was locating the feelings that I didn't like how he was treating me or what he was putting our relationship through by the way he conducted himself in his own time. I wasn't ok with everything that was going on but couldn't find myself totally removing myself from it. WELL OF COURSE NOT. I hadn't seen anyone take control of out of control situations ever. I never fully witnessed an adult making the awareness move into accountability. Which in turn requires a person to take more action and take the steps to resolve the matter. It almost always involves more conversation. That's the hardest part of it all. Getting the right words into the air (minus swear words) to do what is right by both people. I didn't know how to address the guy who was beating me while I seemed to still find redeeming qualities about him??? It was all very confusing to me to be aware and yet not be able to choose the wisest outcome. BREAK UP. Permanently I wasn't there yet. I was just coming into my own brain capabilities when I knew I was going to run out of ideas on my own. I tried talking to my mother and father about it here and there but this was way over their head. They seemed to be oblivious to their own children's issues. Unless you were someone else's kid they didn't have the slightest idea on how to treat the issue. If it was on their own soil, you were doomed. It's always easier to help someone else's kid. You get to be the hero in their eyes. I was learning to think through how it was possible to help someone else's kid without sharing with them how you overcame it in your own life. How can you help a situation you have brewing right here in your own backyard? I was in the same situation all over town. I needed help in many ways to uncover truths about my body image, career, family issues.....the list goes on and on. I was becoming aware (there's that word again). I didn't have all the files in my brain ready to work in a way that I could pull any tool (lesson learned) out of my head and apply it when I needed it. I was only able at this point to think through what I should do versus what I actually ended up doing. I was so frustrated some days. Thank goodness for my work. I loved cutting hair and making people look and feel their best. I still do. I always loved being able to go to work and just put time and effort into someone else. It helped me so much to ask questions to other people to see how they were coping with life's ups and downs. THEY WEREN'T. Laugh all you want. I realized quickly when we talk about nothing it's because they really didn't know how to connect to the issues in the brain they just shut them out. They were living on coffee and caffeine for most of the day to end it with carbs and tv. I am not making light of what awareness can do to a person or what kind of emotions it can bring up because you feel overwhelmed. It's only a start. It's where you wake up and you know how to allow yourself to be better. It's all because we were designed to be different than just a drone walking through life blindly doing what our parents did, or our neighbors did. It's all about how each and every one of us is so special and unique and in God's big picture. I was becoming aware and I had to do something about it.

Searching for Light in the darkness......

I thought the next day when I woke up I wasn't going to be able to deal with the fact that Luis had opened up the spiritual realm in our relationship. There was no denying he had demons and he wanted them gone. I thought to myself who better than me to help shake them off? I mean I believed in what he was speaking of only on the other end of it. I wanted him to find Jesus. Whether or not we were together was irrelevant to me. I've GOT IT! I'll missionary date him and see how this pans out. He will either lose the demons and change or he'll leave because he's not going to be listening to some self righteous christian girl who was living her life any way she pleased. I just needed to see which came up first. Breakup or Makeup. I knew deep down in my heart things weren't going to pan out for me in this relationship. I was young and knew I needed more time to have boyfriends to develop an understanding of who I was and what I required to thrive in a relationship. More importantly I needed time to mature and grow up. I look back now and know the things I liked most were the troubled times because they force me to find a solution. I like finding solutions. I thrive on it. I am way past the point of denying what I am and how I act. Back then, my mind was still developing an understanding of what my strengths and weaknesses were. It's kind of like when you watch a movie about the X-men. You see them in their youth knowing they are different from others but not exactly sure how to use their skills. Transitioning. It's everything in life to realize what you can be when you put your mind to it. I was in a "manipulation" phase at this point in my life. I was going to get results. I just knew it. Oh, I got results alright. I can say without any hesitation I was NOT getting the results that I wanted. I was continually trying to find loopholes in dumping this guy clean off my plate. Things just kept getting worse and worse. My parents hated him. It was no wonder considering they hated themselves so they had nothing to give this guy. They were more afraid of having to deal with his issues and our own issues that they didn't want to have to give anything spiritually (let alone physically) to him. Emotions are such a funny thing. One minute you think you're in control of your life and the next minute you're allowing your emotions to outweigh the logistics of the situation. Here's what I mean by that. Take my situation for an example. I was a young Christian woman dating a non Christian guy who was clearly on drugs and didn't want to treat me the way I needed to be treated to grow into a woman of vigor and faith. I come from a family that also claims Christ and says that we are all about treating others differently because we know how to treat ourselves. BUNK. We didn't know a thing about treating ourselves well. We could have all come out of this very differently if we had all been involved differently. I could have learned a lot about growing up while my parents showed me how to be forgiving of other people to cultivate a healthier perspective in Luis's mind. This doesn't mean we would have stayed together but it does mean while we were in the relationship we would have been able to grow from the experience in a positive way instead of the life or death way that I was currently on. Now I look back on the situation and know that we had no clue what we were doing as a family, let alone when bringing new members to the pack. We had a rogue leader (my father) who answered to a crazy co-captain (my mother) and that was never going to produce a team mentality. In our house we knew the leadership was bad but we never talked about it. Luis was the first outsider that came in (not including my brother dating girls in the youth group which consisted of him holding their hands or writing in a notebook they passed back and forth weekly). We were never going to be able to help another person understand what we needed as people from him. We didn't have enough accountability as a group to develop into people who could help others become who God wanted them to be. Needless to say I wasn't working on this much rational thought back then. Oh no I was running on Emotions and what I could get out of helping this guy be better than he was. Oh and liking me because.....well...it felt good, and I liked that part.

This is no walk in the park.....

Well maybe in New York City at midnight in central park!!! I was living in the twilight zone. I had sloughed off the control that was my family circus only to walk into a relationship that was going to actually kill me. I am truly surprised at how many people are unaware of the many young men and women who become abusive in their adult life due to how their childhood impacted them in a negative way. Yeah yeah yeah it sounds so easy that we all know very well there are abusive people out there but you don't hear people talking about it much. I believe that is because it has a direct correlation to their parents and what didn't go into their brains and lives- the inability to understand how to act when in a stressful situation and how to genuinely value another person. With that being said just how did I think I was going to get out of this situation that I had gotten myself into. It wasn't so long ago I was drawing the ever so vivid picture of how we met and it seemed ever so clear to me that there was a reason for us to meet in the first place. Consider the information on how each one of us wanted the other person so badly in our lives. Yes, but for totally different reasons that I can rationalize now but back then it was so he could meet my physical needs rather than spiritual needs, and well let's face it I am capable of reaching both needs by noon and get a mani pedi in before dinner. ha! I had to seriously distance myself from this psycho that I had just gotten done convincing he couldn't live without me. SERIOUSLY THIS COULD END BADLY. Did I have what it takes to take on a job where I had been the control factor while being the one controlled in the relationship???? It sounds tricky, I know, which is why I had to sleep on it. I had to make sure what I was about to go under was the "Laura Factor" of my total existence. I was about to do a magic trick never done before successfully by live women. If you have to try to trick the man you're sleeping with not to want you, good luck. You're having a tough year and I've been there. I didn't think he would catch on if I just tried to be extra busy. Right? I think that is a viable reason considering I was working on my career and I needed money to live on my own and to be earning credits towards owning my own salon one day. I just started to add time into my schedule in a way no one caught on. I just went in earlier and stayed later. I got very good at making it impossible for him to actually see me other than to face my boss who really didn't want him around and made it clear without saying a word. It helped me a great deal, so I continued to use her own insecurities for my own good. Who was she fooling, she didn't know what to do with him so she put up a huge wall and I used it. It seemed like the thing to do when you're trying to survive another day. Oh...Look a wall.(as I walk behind it) Laugh, poke fun, giggle if you need but it was ingenious in my book. I was using 2 druggies against each other because one wrote my checks and the other tried to check me into a wall. What's a young girl to do when that kinda crap shows up in her life at the ripe age of 21? Well it didn't keep me from dancing that's for sure. You might say that he caught onto me not having any time for him. He caught onto me not having any time to be left alone with him. I didn't know how long I could play the game with him before he would just come out and ask me what I was up to. He worked 3rd shift so he had to be an hour away from where I worked at 7pm every night, so I got extremely good at not being home around 5pm ever so he didn't have enough time to drive back wherever hell's portal had opened up and spit him out. He was so cunning and extremely smart when it came to his looks. I mean the boy just knew that the day God created him he gave him a body that just didn't quit. The minute he had my head in his hands and his lips pressed up against mine I was gone. I am not ashamed that my body requires a hot juicy piece of man on the other side to be making out with. I was angry that he would use my own flesh desire to get what he wanted out of me. A safe clean beautiful air conditioned or heated place to lay his nekkid ass down to have hot passionate sex. He didn't seem to mind not spending a ton of time with me as long as he could check into the sleeze motel every once in awhile. AHHHH haaa! I've got it. I'll just use him for sex which was ok with me (he was hot). I will bore him in no time and he'll leave and never come around anymore. Yes, my 21 year old self sounds shallow but take everything in stride. She was growing and learning. No one before me had anything to relate at the table so while I was living on my own, paying bills and school loans, going to the gym which no branch on my family tree had managed to master. I was buying groceries and putting myself to bed in time to wake up and do it all over again the next day. All the while living in one of the swankiest places in town right on the main drag. I was living the high life. So ok ok ok , my current snag was trying to kill me because I found out he did drugs, but I had that handled I was going to bore him, he would fall out of love and he was going to move on all the while I was working on my career and whala......New life. I could taste it. Or was that the blood from my lip he split when he caught up with me one night while I was sleeping? I hadn't factored in the highs and lows of drugs and how he still had a key to get in whenever he wanted to. He had obviously had too much to drink and came to see me even though he should have been at work. I woke up and he was angry. He had been all over the apartment and was just pacing the floor. I didn't know where this was going to lead honestly. Why the heck was he here??? It was 1am? I asked him what he was doing not at work and he began to cry and thrash and pin me up against furniture. I looked at him intensely. I knew back then I had an ability most people do not have. I can decipher what is real and what is not real. Let me put that in other words for you. I can tell what is demonic and what is lead by the spirit of the Lord the Holy Spirit. It doesn't seem to come up much out in modern day culture but it's making a comeback. I knew something was off and it wasn't adding up. I began to get very disturbed because I just really wanted to go to bed. I tried to calm him by laying beside him in the bed but he just kept getting up and walking around. So I met him halfway. I told him to just do whatever he wanted I was just going to lay down and try to get some sleep. I have always since I was young prayed continuosly when I am afraid or in a situation that I can not handle in my physical body. I do it often throughout the day as well. It must have worked because I dozed off and I remember vividly when I woke up again. I hit the cold metal of an object lying on the sheets. I reached out and grabbed it. It was a butcher knife from the kitchen. I didn't panic I'm too smart for that. I slowly let my eyes come to the moon light and street lights that were coming in from my bedroom window. There he was. Standing in the window looking out. I asked him"Luis.....what are you looking at"? I could see now and the bed was covered in knives of all sizes from my kitchen. I was trying to process did he get them for my protection or his? Either way I still would have liked to have been in on the decision to sleep beside my bagel cutter. I asked him again. It was as if he was frozen. I walked over to him and touched his shoulder ever so slightly. I said What are you looking at??? He said "Do you see him"? I looked out into the darkness different this time. I knew he was looking into the spiritual realm. I wasn't able to see. I didn't need to see, I knew. I said "NO, but I believe you". I knew in that moment the reason he couldn't shake me was because I was his only safety from being devoured by the demons. It was as if they didn't pass the windows and they waited for him on the other side. I will never forget that night as long as I live and breath air. I know my saviour reigns. Meanwhile, Luis didn't have a pot to piss in or it would have been in the bed that night.

Surviving the day does not count as thriving

I didn't know at the time that my friends could see what was happening. I was changing my body so fast and so much that I couldn't keep up with it. I mean spiritually. See the "DEVIL" likes to fool you into believing that while I was getting physical change in my body that I was also getting the payoff of my Heavenly father to see my value. Wrong. I was trying to control what had been out of control since birth that I didn't even know who the real Laura was yet! I was getting results that I thought correlated to the real me. I was in a troubling transition and then also trying to be the person I wanted to be while not being her. You with me??? I had to understand who the real Laura was before I could enter into a relationship that added more responsibility to my plate. The reason I so wanted the relationship with Luis was because he fed a spiritual void where I felt lonely and unwanted. I had felt that for such a long time that when he entered in it appeared that things began to change and that I could control where it was headed. WRONG AGAIN. Like I said surviving the day doesn't count as thriving. I was 21 years old and had the greatest career with the not so greatest mind and body to be working it all together. The one thing I had going was I ate just enough food and drank enough water that I didn't die. Then Luis comes along and literally tried to kill me. Seriously, life what you're dealing me right now just isn't cool. He was so damn sexy I needed to gouge my eyes out to concentrate on just doing laundry. Have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that I was the girl who had come out of a home with a less than subtle marriage that was failing and surroundings that were so passive aggressive that I'm surprised my own hair hadn't fallen out. (hairstylist humor) I mean c'mon. I was a young girl with no one to talk openly about rough situations to because I didn't know ONE SINGLE PERSON WHO WANTED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE TO THEIR OWN ACTIONS. Yes, I stress that at the end because that is what it is all about! How did I think he and I would be on a healthy path when everything that brought us together was unhealthy and deceptive????? I bought into what everyone buys into. The physical payout instead of the spiritual rationality. It seemed to me that his body joining my very existence was enough and, even though drama ensued, who cared really, I mean I was born into drama. It was just different drama. Well.... get to know me for any length of time and you'll find out my brain works many ways. I figured WHY NOT go through this situation to learn new drama and ways of dealing with it???? I mean I couldn't name 3 people that I wanted to trade lives with so what the heck let's do this. He didn't know that he was my current project. Why ruin what I had going on here? MY everyday life was an obstacle course to be the Excalibur. I was not going to be any ordinary sword to fight battles. Oh no sir. I was going to cut through the darkest of demons, but first I had to understand how to divide and conquer and that is what this is about. You can get choked up on the abuse and you can get choked up on the incredible sex (it was new and the only thing I really had to go on so of course it was great. It's how I felt), and you can get choked up on different cultures and you can get choked up on the fact he wasn't a Christian. I wouldn't let your mind stay there though. Let's get one thing straight before I go on. Are you familiar with what happens when you try to break up with the man beating you within inches of your life??? If not, listen up! The conversation with the psychopath you're sleeping with doesn't go like this "Hun, so I sense your not wanting to be with me anymore..." " No, I'm not loving the drug thing or beatings. Kinda not what I signed up for....." "cool, thanks for letting me know, I'm going to go ruin some other broads life now instead.....". UM....not so much. Instead you become a vicious game of cat and mouse and it begins to chip away at everything you hold sacred including sleep. You can't even lay your head to the pillow because you have no idea when you're going to hear the jingle of the keys in the door and then realizing that he is hovering over your body to see if you're really asleep. He would then check my cell phone to see who I'd been calling and where I'd been throughout the day. I had never seen anyone so paranoid. Remember I had grown up in a household where there was dysfunction, but there wasn't this overwhelming control thing, so this was all new to me. I didn't like it but I didn't know how to stand up for myself just yet. I wasn't completely alone. I had my conversations with Jesus. They weren't in depth about leaving Luis but they were in depth about being strong so he could get help. I still hadn't understood he wasn't going to treat me with respect when I didn't have any for myself. I needed to grow up yet and I was on this dangerous path that was going to not only test my physical body but my spiritual body as well. It was as soon as I asked him about the drugs that I knew his spirit was run by a dark force I could see in his eyes and I could feel on my skin. I wanted to let him see that he could run on the Holy Spirit like I was. The demons would manifest themselves with different intensity on a daily basis. If we were on the phone, he would go off on different tangents that I couldn't make sense of. It scared me to think his mind was gone and that I hadn't really seen it for the first couple of months that we were hanging out. I wondered how he had kept if from me up until I confronted him. I had so many questions that I couldn't actually get him to answer. I began to understand that I was the smarter person. I started to devise another plan. Instead of him wanting to stay with me I wanted him to NOT want to stay with me. So I began the new path.

I woke up.....physically

He knew that when I came to he had to convince me to be scared of him. I was. Not scared that he could kill me because when it comes right down to it people can kill people any hour of the day seven days a week 365 days a year. No, I was scared because it was entangled with my affection towards him and my desire to be loved by him that I wouldn't be able to disconnect the two. I mean c'mon we had already been making it work when he was on the drugs up until this point right?! WRONG! The bubble of deception that had been my life for the last few months was catching up to me. When you consider that nothing we were doing was what a real family would do; like seeing each other only on the weekends, then you understand that not being accountable to one another was an issue. I didn't know anyone who could verify who he was or what he was about. I didn't have anyone to call and ask what was going on in this guy's life. I mean, I knew a couple of his friends but I didn't have their cell phone numbers and we didn't have the kind of relationship where anyone could really vouch for who I was. I woke up shortly after I blacked out and he began to grab and push me around the whole apartment. The natural reaction is to allow the person harming you when you sleep with that person to see if it will stop on its own. When it didn't stop and it was continuing I began to fight back. I had pent up rage from the 3rd grade, mind you. Not to mention my parents could make a plastic doll want to cuss, I was going to let this guy know who he was messing with. I learned that lesson very quickly. I got the beating of my life. I was in a kind of pain I had never felt before. I was bruised of course, but I meant a spiritual blow like never before. I felt worthless. I felt so worthless. I knew it wasn't what God wanted. I didn't know what to do in that moment other than serve the immediate need to nurse the bruises. The inside bruise would have to wait. Not to mention NO ONE COULD KNOW ABOUT IT. What good could come from telling someone that my boyfriend beat me up when I confronted him on drugs. NO! NO! NO! I wasn't going there until I could figure out what was really going on. When those bags of drugs fell out of his wallet my whole life changed. I had learned how to survive chaos when I lived at home. I had learned to let people think everything was ok, when it wasn't ok, so I had that part handled. What I didn't have covered was how I was going to survive (literally) if this continued. I decided to control him in other ways and to counter initiate his love for me instead of the drug. I never said it was a good plan, but it was a start. The lesson that I have learned in this horrific scary time in my life is more important that any other part of my life. I didn't know it yet but this was going to be a long journey and I had just begun the tough part. I LEARNED TO MAKE HIM CRAVE ME. I wanted to replace the drug. I was going to replace the drug. I set out to stop his need to rely on drugs which all in all doesn't sound so bad. When you understand it is in place of him surrendering his life to Jesus and serving out his true purpose through Christ you will see how all plans devised to control someone will fail. Even if they are started in the best intentions to preserve the relationship. I meant well honestly, but I had to follow through on accountability for myself to see NOTHING can be true and right and Godly without full surrender to accountability. He needed to want to be better. He needed to want to love the Lord so he could love me. He needed to want to lose the drug habit and replace it with healthier options for stress and fear. At the time I don't think even I wanted all of that.

Who knew?

To say that my job was taking every last ounce of fun out of me was the understatement of the year for me. I had no idea how much other people relied on you to bring in money so they could begin to relax a bit before easing into retirement. I wanted so badly to love hair and to become successful at what I did. I really did want my own salon and to teach women and men of all ages that everyday it was up to them how great they could look!!! It's a win win situation when everyone in the world (or your world) knows how awesome they are when they walk in the door and when they walk right back out again. I just hadn't factored in that the atmosphere was extremely strong and working against me. Yes, yes, yes I knew the behaviors were similar to the ones I could find at home, I just didn't think they were going to fight against me. I mean why would they???? I made them money every day, happily and cheerfully. It's clear that just working or living near me does not make a "Better Betty"......no these were "Bitter Betty's" and they were here to stay. Part of me knew and always knew it was going to end the way it did....cold like a dead fish but in the mean time they were going to school me on everything I had no clue in because I didn't do them. DRUGS. Sadly Luis was a drug addict in disguise. He was so smooth around the edges it looked like someone had chiseled that boy right out of solid stone. He radiated a completely different type of light. Dark, Mysterious, and Dangerous. I know now why I was so drawn to him. He was the exact opposite of me. He was all the opposing forces but seemed to be what I wanted and what I liked. On the surface he kept himself so proper that I loved the end result. I had not factored in that the way to control something so pristine was to do it using drugs. I have lived much more since then with my eyes wide open because I know what to look for when people are presenting a perfect canvas without telling you how to achieve it. I didn't live with him full time ........errrrrrr scratch that he didn't live with me full time. I didn't know what he ate or drank or put in his body when I didn't see him on the weekdays. One night I was cleaning up a manicure station I had just done nails on a wonderful client of mine. He stopped in to see me before he went to work. He didn't seem to mind driving to see me all the way in Hershey when he worked an hour away. He always called me baby.....and not to mention he was sly and shy when he first would walk into a room. He wanted to take it all in I guess. He needed to see who was around and what everyone was up to before he would try to kiss me or ask me how my day was. He never stayed very long, I didn't know back then what I know now about our spirits and how much we do based on them being tempted or pushed. He left like a usual day but this time my boss's partner asked if she could talk to me before I left for the day. She blew smoke in the air as usual (it always smelled like an ashtray anywhere she went). She was hard and soft all at the same time ya know. She was so insecure and had to keep up the front for everyone else. She dare not look vulnerable or human to the rest of us or we'd take advantage of that. She didn't fool me! She was completely miserable everyday and only got along with people more miserable than she was. I'll never forget the words she said. They cut me like a knife. "Do you know he does drugs....."? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???? I just looked at her like she had 2 heads. I mean c'mon what kind of person did she think I was???? Did she know what kind of woman I wanted to be! I'd NEVER DATE A DRUG ADDICT! HE NEVER EVEN ASKED ME TO DO DRUGS! I said how do you know that? You barely have any conversation with him so what makes you think you know????? She said tonight when he came to visit he had white powder on his nose where the nostril was....I called attention to it and he huffed it in and then wiped the rest off before he walked in to see you. I just stared blankly at her for a moment and thought, she called it to attention before I would have caught it and he didn't even do anything???? She said oh he knows I'm on to him for sure, because he just looked at me and stared me down like what was I going to do?? Tell you or let it go? That night changed my life forever. It kept ringing in my ear that he was on drugs and it scared me to death. I thought how could I have gone a year and not known that this guy does drugs and why hasn't he asked me to do them with him???? Does he hide them from me??? Should I ask him to his face or over the phone??? I mean you girls out there know what happens when the bad boys get caught face to face. Right? I didn't know for sure what would happen if I just waited til I saw him face to face??? I had known it was very difficult for me to confront people even though I was extremely outgoing. I figured people would grow into better versions of a human everyday they are alive....Right??? WRONG! I also have this habit of assuming people act like I do. Lol no! Not so much. I wanted to understand my emotions of fear a bit better before I jumped right down his throat so I gave it til I saw him on the weekend. I remember being so afraid that it was true so I went looking everywhere in his things to find drugs. That's just what I found. His pants had his wallet and some credit card receipts and, lo and behold, when I opened up his wallet 2 bags of white powder fell out. My jaw dropped to the floor like one of those kids movies where someone's getting in trouble!! I swear I stood there for what felt like minutes but was probably just a couple of seconds. I process very quickly. I didn't want drugs in my life no matter who had them or did them. I wanted purity in that category if you can even handle that knowing full well I am not a pure woman. I had made up my mind I was done. No questions asked. He either did drugs or sold drugs and there was no way I was allowing this to continue. I walked right into the bedroom where he was napping and grabbed his legs and pulled him directly off the bed. I'm pretty sure in that very second that my hands grabbed his legs he thought "reckoning day" was upon him. He stood so shocked at how I woke him and faced me. He saw me holding the white bags of powder and in that moment he looked me in the eye...I could see the light leave him....his eyes were as black as coal. He looked at me and said in this heinous voice "you shouldn't have done that"....and I said back as strongly as I could....NO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! I WANT YOU OUT! I could feel his hands come swiftly up my body to my neck and he pushed me way back into the closet and lifted me up onto the wall. He began to tell me it could have been different. I was losing breath as my eyes began to black out. He was going to kill me to keep his dirty little secret. The woman he loved so much meant nothing to him over those pathetic little bags of crack. Honestly there isn't enough to salt a potato in one of things, but I was going to die for 2 of them. And I would have if it had been God's will in that moment of my life. Too bad for me that I came to.

Don't "assume", it will only make an ass out of you and me...........

I have had a lot of practice making "assumptions"....Some haven't always ended up so nicely for me. Like the times I've guessed people being pregnant and they so totally were not, now you can be in labor and I won't dare ask until you ask if I want to hold your baby! OOHHH is that your child? lol There's never enough humor in this world.... So as many things as I've assumed incorrectly I've learned it is the "Devil's Dare" if you choose to go down that road. It really just means that the world of communicating by asking direct questions and waiting for some sort of answer is dead whilst the people play coy. I HATE THAT GAME. Make a note of that. I will be the first to tell you that it is not easy for anyone in the beginning to ask someone a direct question concerning a deep or tough subject if they have never seen it done, but it's not impossible. In this world a lot of assumption comes from large subjects like sex, money, religion just to name a few. Sooooo admit it to yourself first, when someone starts dating you decide in your head whether or not they will have sex or are having sex the longer they are together. It's natural to do considering the genetic makeup of our bodies, then you factor in if they have faith in God, or the Holy Bible and you decipher whether or not they will break the rules. Or I'm the only human who has ever walked the planet factoring in all the info. I think not. I needed more than Luis in my life. I needed to feel whole and at the time it seemed to fit. It was a lie. It was a tactic to break me away from the "kind" of man I needed. I said I wouldn't change a thing about my life and I meant it. It doesn't mean though that every course I was on was helpful or positive in my everyday life. I have come to consider the tender years of 20-30 a decade of learning who you really are. Some of us do not use the decade wisely by determining what was our parents or beginnings and what is truly us or "ours". Your truth comes from taking full responsibility of all your choices and decisions. You need to grasp all things that make you you. I was on that wretched journey. It felt like I was on that road by myself. Many times you can feel like you're on that road by yourself. That is where your awareness of your relationship with Christ fits in. Christians will tell you it should be your first thought. Said the careful Christian. I've yet to meet a politically correct Christian who will let you see all sides of them including swearing when you stub your toe or lose at fantasy football. You can't learn how to put him first or if he is first until you see RELATIONSHIPS for what they truly are. How can you be in a healthy relationship with the Lord but no one else? YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND IF YOU'RE TRYING THAT CRAP. If you can't see that the toxic relationships around you mirror image the one you have with Christ you'll never be able to grow. On the contrary you'll fester into a diseased ridden bupkis. Everyone will pass you by without a moment's notice on the streets or in buildings where people pass one another constantly without even so much as a "hello". Unless, of course, there's an underlying want like sexual attractiveness or money. Prove me wrong email me later. I want you to know I assumed so many incorrect things based on other people's behaviours even about myself. What you have left in your brain to work with, won't factor in "REAL LIFE". It"s similar thinking to attending math class and then not being able to budget in real life. Who cares if you know 2+2.......if you've maxed out every credit card you've owned trying to buy your happiness. That's right accounting doesn't teach you that Target doesn't sell peace of mind. If we had been given half a chance in knowing who our creator was and why he created us, I believe that the people should mirror image the true genuine hope and purpose behind it. I want that for us all. I thought I was going to be different, I was in some cases, but most things I needed to turn over, investigate, and determine for myself what it all meant. Sex, since it isn't perverse or odd when it is applicable to your naked self, seemed to fit at the time and feed the darkness I had in not knowing my own worth. Damn Chubbiness kept my eyes focused on the outside when it was the inside I was looking for the whole time. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????!!!! Well think about it, Yes I was chubby but it was what I was taught not chose. If I could just find the mind of the thinner girl each choice I made from there on out would have me thin in no time and stay thin for the rest of my life. Although it took me longer than I thought to find her, I did find her and she's here to stay. I not only found her I patented her. You can't have her. You can't be her. You can be who God created you to be without assumptions and decisions that aren't reallly yours. Stop living in the "it will work itself out" line. People actually die in that line waiting for it to move. You will always need to take action. You will never bypass the intentions of who God created us to be. We can not get out of taking action. Stop assuming and take action against what isn't working. I'll be the first to tell you the minute you decide to do something about it you'll lose 3 friends........Think about that one.

THE DEVIL HAD MY GOLDEN TICKET

I had no idea what it was exactly that I had in front of asking God instead of myself. I didn't really know what a reeaal relationship looked like with the Sovereign God that created me with a true purpose. I mean come on who talks about this stuff???!!! I do, but I totally get it if you're not experiencing that. You will have SOMETHING that the Devil will use against you that will be your "Golden Ticket". He will be able to pull this out and draw you in once he figures out just exactly what it is that you suffer from feeling completely in control over. He will use it against you to harm you, and push you even further away from asking God to give you peace and understanding. I never felt like I could ask my parents together for peace and understanding, why would I then ask a God I couldn't see for it?? I talked to God very easily, it just got easier and easier to use my weakness against me the older I got. Considering my Golden ticket was "Lust". Since I so needed to be liked and desired by a man having a boyfriend is extremely dangerous in the sex category. I mean you can't hold out for very long when the one thing you have wanted your entire life was finally happening. You have to remember the attention I was getting wasn't bad, it wasn't perverse, it wasn't unnecessary. It was new. Had I had been encouraged my whole life to love myself completely including my body and how it looked, I wouldn't have been so overweight and needing assurance in a way that only a young man I was attracted to was giving me. Not everyone's parents know how to encourage you to be your best and walk the walk with you so that you know how to rely on God for all your other needs. I am NOT SAYING BECAUSE I'M CHRISTIAN THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE STRUGGLED WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. I'm saying it was my huge issue and strong hold in my life that made it easier to use against me because I had gone without it for so long. I was so hung up on wanting his beautiful body that I struggled to not allow him to push more and more and more. He would smell so good each time I was around him. He got into my veins. He was hooked to my life line that was flesh in the fullest. He could do anything he wanted with me because I wanted it so badly. I didn't have a boundary on him. He was my escape from the lie I was being fed my whole life. I wasn't worthy and No one was EVER going to love me. I was proving them ALL wrong. They were going to regret ever putting me in a corner (like Baby in Dirty Dancing it should never be done). I was going to find what I had been wondering about and wanting so badly to understand the way God had intended us to know. First Hand. Ha! I laugh back at my youth and how intensely wrong she was in the moment and yet I would change nothing about my life. I love every single lesson that I have learned along the way. I only wish I wouldn't of had to learn them the "Hard" way. Who am I kidding I learn everything the hard way. I decided I was sick of the secrecy on sex, I was tired of the hush hush, I was tired of the "we only get shamed at church for having sexual feelings or curiosities". Did you ever notice at church what was pushed imperatively to abstain, but why do we not address the issue of why it's so difficult??? Not just because it feels good or because it's what humans do, NO NO NO I mean real relating to the subject. Try truly understanding why we were all drawn to it in some way or another. Yes we are hardwired to have children that way and build families, but deeper more intellectual meaning behind sexual understanding. It goes way beyond looking sexy or feeling sexy. More intensely it connects you to your creator. He intentionally gave us our sexuality but no one talks about giving God the glory for feeling the need to understand it(at least not in my circle). I went ahead with moving forward with Luis. I wanted him to want me, but had no idea what I was going to let into my life by completely stripping down to the bare bones. I was completely naked and yet I was completely covered with God's protection. Things could have gone a lot differently as our relationship progressed but I was protected each and every time. I nearly died physically but I grew spiritually and I am forever grateful for giving my life to the Lord as a young child and then fully understanding what that meant when I was a young adult. I have a lot to tell you and I can't wait for you to understand what I went through isn't so far from what we all go through, I will just openly share mine.

The Passion.......(this one isn't the well known play)

I can recall all of the memories Luis and I made together. We were so young and had no idea that we were playing right into the feelings that life was a game. It felt like in those moments and at that time that we were inseparable. You couldn't pry the phones out of our hand when we called each other. We longed to talk to each other and to plan our next get together for the weekend. Red was losing her mind. She had to wait til the weekend to see if we were still going to go to the dance club to work out all our stress and so she could get a man. Yes, on some level we were still trying to get hand picked by some rich young thing who just wanted a good soon to be woman working through her troubling twenties. Red and Luis never liked each other to begin with. They both wanted my undivided time and money and car and sober driving. Geesh. You would have thought I was a good looking uber driver back then. I tried to give Red some clarity by explaining to her that there was no way they had to be jealous or worry about losing me because the love I had for both of them was different. She was my best friend and I could tell her anything, and I needed her to be there for me during the relationship woes. Luis was my lover/boyfriend. He didn't compete with her because he was there to make sure I was at the top of my sexy game and that I could solidly slay a man. At the time it didn't sound so skeezy in my head. I didn't realize that I was using Luis as a standard of hotness for myself. I understand it now so simply. HOW COULD I?!! Easily. It seemed to be working really well for me. I'd see him on the weekends starting Saturday through Sunday. I'd go to work during the week and do whatever else I wanted like church, shopping and the gym. It was brilliant. I missed him during the week but I loved being able to live by myself and have the whole place to tinker and get ready for work. I'm so grateful for having that experience because it set the tone for the REST OF MY LIFE. You have to be so deliberate to have a budget and a handle on what life really throws at you versus what you want to have. I thought I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe I had a job I loved, a boyfriend I handpicked out of the crowd and a best friend who understood me and wanted to be around. It was as if life was perfect. It started out so intensely between Luis and I. I can remember every time I saw him I was taken back as if I had never met him before. He was so striking that when he looked at me I shivered. I knew I lusted after him but the truth is I liked it. I loved that uncomfortable feeling every time he got close to me for a kiss because I thought "oh he really likes me and finds me attractive". For someone like me who didn't have that kind of feedback at home I longed for it. I was in the beauty industry to try and give that feeling to people all day long. I knew how wonderful it was to receive it. No one's family can be bad all the time, it's just it wasn't a "thing" in our house to try to be our best self every second of every day. I knew when I got into the industry it was going to be hard to break through the barriers that had nothing to do with relying on God for our issues, it's just this was my time and I needed to learn the cold hard lessons of it isn't your looks that make a relationship last. Even if you are an attractive female it doesn't mean he realllly loves you or that he will stick around just because you're beautiful. SO ARE A LOT OF FEMALES, AND WHY NOT?! WHY CAN'T WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT US THAT MAKES US ATTRACTIVE? My mind was capable of asking it, but hadn't fully comprehended how important self love was to making these fears go away that lived inside of my head. Right now Luis was that for me and he was going to give me a new perspective on life I could just feel it. When he looked at me I felt different, I felt seen, I felt alive and I loved it. Every second I had with him gave me more and more of a high that I longed for him to be with me everyday. I could start to see why puppy love was so dangerous and why young people think they need to get married. Why not right? I mean you're in love and young, why not live the rest of your lives together??????????? GOOD GOLLY LORD ALMIGHTY help these young people understand that is NOT how love works. I'll show you what happens when you underestimate the Devil........